Saturday, July 22, 2006

Secretary Of Defense Rumsfeld Guided By Talking Loaf Of Velveeta

Washington, D.C. - Inside sources have revealed to Assimilated Press that Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld relies almost exclusively on a talking loaf of Velveeta for guidance on some of the most important and sensitive decisions he makes. This shocking revelation of a highly unusual relationship between a man in the uppermost levels of government and a cheese byproduct has official Washington buzzing and is causing foreign allies to question a whole range of policies, such as the decision to invade Iraq and the lack of a plan for occupation after the initial phase of the war was completed.

Rumors of the secretary's strange alliance have been swirling for some time but have never been confirmed before today. Apparently, Rumsfeld warmly refers to his cherished loaf of Velveeta by the name Sally and it is never far from his side.

Sally was given to Rumsfeld by Dick Cheney 35 years ago when they were both members of the Nixon administration. What was intended as a gift from one friend to another soon turned into an obsession. Rumsfeld would spend long hours in his office alone with Sally during some of the darkest days of the Vietnam war and Watergate, emerging only sporadically when he was called on by Nixon to join the president in prayer.

As the years have dragged on, Sally has become discolored and moldy but that has not diminished Rumsfeld's love for his constant companion and confidant. It is said that when Rumsfeld is not asking Sally for guidance she is locked in the safe in his office in order to keep her existence hidden and the rancid odor under control.

President Bush, when questioned about this controversy, stood by his beleaguered secretary of defense and said "Rummy is doin' a heck of a job and he has my complete confidence."


Blogger VinylVenus said...

Should we be relieved he's not consulting a can of Spam? With such a macho advisor, he would have put twice as many soldiers in Iraq, mopped up and moved on by Thanksgiving 2003 and in Teheran by Christmas. In 2004, Syria and Jordan would have been under his belt. And in 2005, he would have burned his way across Georgia, heading for Moscow!

What a man! Alas, it was not to be--that's what comes from talking with a yellow-bellied softie like Velveeta...


1:18 AM  
Blogger FaulknA said...

A cheesy story to say the least. I believe that the Velveeta is symbolic of the ideas used to support the criminal acts of our current administration. After all, Velveeta is not really cheese at all, but rather a substitute for real cheese.

3:40 PM  
Anonymous Pinko said...

N.Y. Times:

Halliburton Denies Link With Cheese

Halliburton spokeman Bruce Wilcott today denied that the awarding of a $385 million contract by the US Army Corps of Engineers to Halliburton subsidiary KBR, formerly Kellogg, Brown and Root, was in any way connected to Velveeta cheese. The KBR contract is to provide trailers in the event of an immigration crisis at the border with Mexico. Recent news stories have detailed the gift of a box of Velveeta cheese from Vice President Dick Cheney to Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld when they were both members of the Nixon administration. Secretary Rumsfeld is known to hold the cheese, named Sally, in high esteem. Recently House Democrats have questioned whether the KBR trailers, which look extremely similar to a box of Velveeta cheese placed on cement blocks, were chosen based on this resemblance.

6:41 PM  
Blogger tokyoLON said...

Craftfudes has released a statement saying that Velveeta Sally cannot be held responsible for the decisions of the White House, Congress, Senate or Supreme Court. The statement further decried as "a viscous lie" that Velveeta Sally had turned rancid. Spokesperson Partee McDip said, "Velveeta melts better and has 1/3 less fat and calories than cheddar. You want rancid? You want a 2-week shelf life? You need to take a closer look at cheddar." McDip then broke into song ...

Velveeta Sally,
Guess you'd better slow your Velveeta down
Velveeta Sally, now baby.
Guess you'd better slow your Velveeta down

7:05 AM  
Blogger Wids said...

Today a jury in Florida accepted the a new Defense. The Attorney of Casey Anthony has proposed a 'Velveeta Defense'. Kraft would be proud

1:25 PM  

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