Secretary Of Defense Rumsfeld Guided By Talking Loaf Of Velveeta

Washington, D.C. - Inside sources have revealed to Assimilated Press that Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld relies almost exclusively on a talking loaf of Velveeta for guidance on some of the most important and sensitive decisions he makes. This shocking revelation of a highly unusual relationship between a man in the uppermost levels of government and a cheese byproduct has official Washington buzzing and is causing foreign allies to question a whole range of policies, such as the decision to invade Iraq and the lack of a plan for occupation after the initial phase of the war was completed.

Rumors of the secretary's strange alliance have been swirling for some time but have never been confirmed before today. Apparently, Rumsfeld warmly refers to his cherished loaf of Velveeta by the name Sally and it is never far from his side.

Sally was given to Rumsfeld by Dick Cheney 35 years ago when they were both members of the Nixon administration. What was intended as a gift from one friend to another soon turned into an obsession. Rumsfeld would spend long hours in his office alone with Sally during some of the darkest days of the Vietnam war and Watergate, emerging only sporadically when he was called on by Nixon to join the president in prayer.

As the years have dragged on, Sally has become discolored and moldy but that has not diminished Rumsfeld's love for his constant companion and confidant. It is said that when Rumsfeld is not asking Sally for guidance she is locked in the safe in his office in order to keep her existence hidden and the rancid odor under control.

President Bush, when questioned about this controversy, stood by his beleaguered secretary of defense and said "Rummy is doin' a heck of a job and he has my complete confidence."