Christmas Canceled For 2006
Washington, D.C. - In a move that is sure to disappoint millions of children everywhere, perennial gift giver and suspected socialist, Santa Clause, has been placed on the no-fly list and will not be allowed to use American air space. This action has the immediate effect of canceling Christmas for 2006.
The official reason being given by Homeland Security is that Santa is carrying too many packages of a suspicious nature. However, the real reason many people believe Santa has been banned from his yearly aerial mission is his suspected ties to left-leaning groups that believe toys should be freely distributed to children. In fact, recent memos leaked to Assimilated Press show that toy industry lobbyists have been putting pressure on the Bush administration for years to end Santa's yearly toy giveaway. Morgan T Fairweather of the Toy Industry Trade Association said, "Santa has gone too far with this crazy yearly give away of toys. What is he, some kind of socialist nut? We've got toys to sell and Santa is making us look bad."
White House press secretary Tony Snow admitted that President Bush has met repeatedly with top executives of the toy industry. However, Snow said, "the decision to ban Santa from the skies of America was based on security needs alone and has nothing to do with the millions of dollars given to George W. Bush and the Republican party by the powerful toy associations and their lobbyists."
Assimilated Press has also learned that the US Air Force has been given orders to take Santa out if he tries to violate the no-fly ban. As of press time, there has been no comment from the North Pole.
posted by Virt at 9:32 AM
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Homeland Security has given warning that this November and December it intends to take "storefront Santas" into protective custody. "We can't have people walking around wearing disguises in America. They could be anybody under that beard. Could even be it's a real beard. There's people out there who want to hurt us, just like Iraq and 9/11. Whoever doesn't understand that doesn't understand the world we live in," said President Bush.
In other news tonight, George W. Bush was just struck by a piece of shit that fell out of the sky. We're told that he's just fine but doesn't remember how that piece of coal got in his pocket. Yes Virginia, there is a Santa Claus!
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