Tuesday, October 10, 2006

Bush Throws Tantrum & Lashes Out At Assimilated Press

Washington, D.C. - Today, in an explosive news conference, President Bush directed his full rage at the Assimilated Press news organization for a series of investigative pieces that have shocked official Washington and deeply embarrassed the White House. The main target of Bush's tirade were two stories that showed an administration filled with betrayal, sexual intrigue, and incontinence.

The first story detailed the President's life-long problem with bed wetting and the effect it has had on his relationship with the First Lady. The second story raised the shocking specter of an adulterous affair between the First Lady and the Vice President.

These stories were clearly on the President's mind today when he pounded the podium with his fists and shouted out, "Who the hell do these people at Assimilated Press think they are? Nobody talks about me that way. Nobody! And this Virt fella, always investigating, always probing, always digging. He never stops. Why can't he behave himself like the rest of you in the press core. Where does he get off, thinking he can write anything he damn well pleases?" Bush then kicked the podium and stormed out of the room.

A few hours later, White House Press Secretary Tony Snow attempted to clarify the matter by insisting that Bush hasn't wet his bed in years and that Cheney wasn't having sex with Laura but was giving her a deep body massage.

Publisher's note: The publisher and executive editor of Assimilated Press both stand solidly behind their experienced reporter, Virt, and pledge their full support as Virt continues to pursue the stories people care about with the skill and tenacity of an Airedale on the scent of a river rat.


Anonymous Masala said...

This site's the best. Love your work, Virt!

10:39 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

This helps explain why insiders are reporting that Bush is coming unglued. His failures are mounting up to the point were even his sycophants can't continue to ignore them.

3:47 PM  
Blogger SadButTrue said...

Show your concern for a nation in distress. Alter your template with the following URL in the line beginning #wrap2 ;

6:06 PM  
Anonymous pinko said...

Rev. James Dobson, of Focus on the Family, claims "The Assimilated Press is no different from the rest of the liberal media in this country. It's all made up. That Foley story about those boys and the e-mails, or the idea that Iraq wasn't connected to 9/11; all made up. It's all a great big practical joke. That Virt feller may be able to fool some of the people all the time, and all of the people some of the time, but if you put your trust in Jesus and the GOP, ye shall know the truth."

7:29 PM  
Blogger Gourney DetoureĀ© said...

Again the progressive media just emphasizes what it wants to. If Bill Clinton had implimented the National Bedwetting Strategy that he should have, Dubya wouldn't have inherited this messy bed and wouldn't have to deal with his unfortunate problem now....he'd be cured. But no, Clinton 'ummed and ahhed' and was indecisive and showed a lack of resolve. That's Democrats for ya.
Anyways everyone also knows that Cheney never nailed Laura Bush....even Dennis Hastert knows it. Everyone knows it was Clinton who nailed her, so there you go again blaming this administration for the folly of pussywhipped Democrats.


9:36 PM  
Anonymous enemy of the people said...

It is a genuine pleasure to finally read some unbiased, objective reporting. What a refreshing breath of air.

6:58 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I salute you for stating the truth we all are too afraid to voice. The emperor is naked.

10:09 AM  

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