Bush Throws Tantrum & Lashes Out At Assimilated Press
Washington, D.C. - Today, in an explosive news conference, President Bush directed his full rage at the Assimilated Press news organization for a series of investigative pieces that have shocked official Washington and deeply embarrassed the White House. The main target of Bush's tirade were two stories that showed an administration filled with betrayal, sexual intrigue, and incontinence.
The first story detailed the President's life-long problem with bed wetting and the effect it has had on his relationship with the First Lady. The second story raised the shocking specter of an adulterous affair between the First Lady and the Vice President.
These stories were clearly on the President's mind today when he pounded the podium with his fists and shouted out, "Who the hell do these people at Assimilated Press think they are? Nobody talks about me that way. Nobody! And this Virt fella, always investigating, always probing, always digging. He never stops. Why can't he behave himself like the rest of you in the press core. Where does he get off, thinking he can write anything he damn well pleases?" Bush then kicked the podium and stormed out of the room.
A few hours later, White House Press Secretary Tony Snow attempted to clarify the matter by insisting that Bush hasn't wet his bed in years and that Cheney wasn't having sex with Laura but was giving her a deep body massage.
Publisher's note: The publisher and executive editor of Assimilated Press both stand solidly behind their experienced reporter, Virt, and pledge their full support as Virt continues to pursue the stories people care about with the skill and tenacity of an Airedale on the scent of a river rat.