Neocons Prepared For Iraq War By Reading Chicken Entrails

Washington, D.C. - In a shocking development that is sure to fuel more debate and recriminations over the invasion of Iraq, Assimilated Press has learned that a small cabal of extremely powerful neocons, from both inside and outside of the Bush administration, held previously undisclosed meetings at the Vice President's mansion in Washington. These meetings started several months before the invasion of Iraq and were only recently discontinued. Among the participants were Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld, Richard Perle of the American Enterprise Institute, Paul Gigot of the Wall Street Journal, and Roger Ailes of Fox News.

At these gatherings, this small group of men conducted secret rituals where they would slaughter a live chicken and spill its entrails into a crystal goblet. These fresh chicken entrails were then read by the high priest of the neocons, Dick Cheney, who they believed possessed the power to divine the future from these bloody mounds of poultry organs.

After these ceremonies, the information derived from the chicken entrails was packaged to look like official documents from the Department of Defense. These documents were then passed on to the White House where they were used as the casus belli for the invasion and subsequent war in Iraq.

When asked to comment for this report, Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld said, "Goodness gracious, that is a matter of national security. I can't comment on our secret meetings at the Vice President's mansion. They're top secret. Even the President doesn't know about them."