Monday, October 09, 2006

Neocons Prepared For Iraq War By Reading Chicken Entrails

Washington, D.C. - In a shocking development that is sure to fuel more debate and recriminations over the invasion of Iraq, Assimilated Press has learned that a small cabal of extremely powerful neocons, from both inside and outside of the Bush administration, held previously undisclosed meetings at the Vice President's mansion in Washington. These meetings started several months before the invasion of Iraq and were only recently discontinued. Among the participants were Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld, Richard Perle of the American Enterprise Institute, Paul Gigot of the Wall Street Journal, and Roger Ailes of Fox News.

At these gatherings, this small group of men conducted secret rituals where they would slaughter a live chicken and spill its entrails into a crystal goblet. These fresh chicken entrails were then read by the high priest of the neocons, Dick Cheney, who they believed possessed the power to divine the future from these bloody mounds of poultry organs.

After these ceremonies, the information derived from the chicken entrails was packaged to look like official documents from the Department of Defense. These documents were then passed on to the White House where they were used as the casus belli for the invasion and subsequent war in Iraq.

When asked to comment for this report, Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld said, "Goodness gracious, that is a matter of national security. I can't comment on our secret meetings at the Vice President's mansion. They're top secret. Even the President doesn't know about them."


Anonymous enemy of the people said...

Rummy and the Fool on the Hill reading chicken guts.

At least now we know how they did it.

Thanks, Virt.

6:55 AM  
Anonymous George in Knoxville said...

This sounds like something Bill Maher would say, especially regarding Southern Baptists.

Virt, you are a saint.

9:44 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Oh, I am such a tool. I just got it. This is another fake news/joke site.

The scary thing is how *easy* it is to confuse the two.

This is Dan Rather, checking his frequency, and signing off.

9:46 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

This is a very trubling info. Hiding info from President Bush, the best President this Country has ever had is bad. No Secretary of Defense should be allowed to hide any such info from the Cmmender-in-Chief.

12:37 PM  
Anonymous Shaman in Boise said...

This bunch is so incompetent they didn't even read the chicken entrails right. Their mistake was putting them in a crystal goblet. They needed to be spread out on the ground. No wonder things are going so badly in Iraq.

3:20 PM  
Blogger Gourney DetoureĀ© said...

Thankyou Ass. Press. You've out my mind at rest. I was beginning to think (think is perhaps too strong a term), I was beginning to suspect that the Bush Administration had no rationale whatsoever for going into Iraq.

At least they were guided by their faith.

5:14 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

That's odd. Divination by reading chicken entrails is usually more accuarate.

7:05 PM  
Anonymous pinko said...

Speculation is that prior to reading the entrails, Dick Cheney slaughtered the chicken by biting off its head and then drinking the blood from the still writhing body. There was no comment from the Vice President's office as to the truth of this rumor. Chris Wallace, in a recent interview with Bill Clinton, asked the former President "Why are you against the American farmer?"

7:45 PM  
Blogger jurassicpork said...

I have it on good authority that they read tea leaves. Republicans could never bring themseles to kill anything or anyone without contracted help.

5:59 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Oh brother, is it any different than Bill Clinton reading the inside of Monica's mouth with his,,<><>,, to decide to sponsor IFOR? Some use chicken guts, some use their dilly.

3:49 PM  

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