Nixon's Brain Kept In Jar On Cheney's Desk

Washington, D.C. - One of the best kept secrets in Washington has now been exposed. Sources close to Vice President Dick Cheney have confirmed to Assimilated Press that Richard Nixon, the deceased and disgraced former President of the United States, had arranged to leave his good friend, Dick Cheney, a very special and unusual memento as a token of their close relationship, his brain.

As requested in his secret last will and testament, Nixon's brain was removed shortly after his death and placed in a jar with preservatives whereupon it was given to his ideological soul mate, Dick Cheney. Deeply touched by this gesture from his old friend, Cheney has treasured this gift which now resides on his desk in the Vice President's office.

As strange as this story may seem, there is more. It appears that the brain emits a high pitched sound that only the Vice President can hear. At first, Cheney was confused and frightened by these voices in his head that originated from the jar but gradually he grew less and less afraid until he finally began to treat this bizarre apparition as a gift and not a curse.

Friends of the Vice President say he is mesmerized by the brain and spends an inordinate amount of time simply staring at it with his eyes glazed over, almost as if he is drawing inspiration and guidance from it. On several occasions, Cheney was overheard saying to the jar, "Yes, Mr. President. Yes, Mr. President. I will do as you say."

The White House has refused all requests for comments on this story.