Friday, November 17, 2006

Republican Politicians Selling At Bargain Prices

Washington, D.C. - With the Democratic takeover of Congress, Republican politicians are discovering that their cash value has been substantially reduced along with their power. Before the election it took a minimum of two million dollars to purchase a Republican senator, with some going as high as seven million if they chaired an important committee. Now, these same senators can be had for less than a million dollars each.

The news is even worse for Republican members of the House of Representatives where prices for Republican congressmen have plummeted to the point where special discount packages are being offered. However, even the buy one get one free deal has failed to generate much enthusiasm. Veteran analysts say that prices at the Congressional Commodities Exchange are at their lowest level in twelve years and could still drop further.

While this has reduced capital expenditures for current congressional acquisitions for a number of companies, major investors such as Exxon Mobil and Halliburton are not happy to see the value of their political investment portfolio decline so precipitously. With Republican congressional currency being so devalued, sources inside Exxon Mobil have told Assimilated Press that most of their political acquisitions will now be concentrated in the federal judiciary where life time appointments provide a more favorable climate for their return on investment.


Anonymous enemy of the people said...

Well, one man's trash is another man's treasure

I don't know much about them rascally Federal Judiciaries but I want three or four of those nice tender, juicy Repug Congressments. Throw in two of them Fascist Se nut urs too.

Why, you ask?

Simple. The GEICO cavemen are having a Thanksgiving bar-b-cue next Thursday and these guys will be the centerpiece of their table after they are spit-roasted starting bright and early Monday morning. They ought to be really pretty alongside the candied yams and sparrowgrass tips marinated in swamp water and pearl onyons. Man-o-man, I might have to have a snack before they are really done in.

So, I am sending along to my bank an order to transfer the grand sum of $19.37, a fine amount for used goods - yard sale prices, if you get my drift (nod, nod, wink, wink).

Please provide directions to where I can pick up these fellers so I can deliver them to the cavemen. They are drooling all over themselves at the thought of such succulent delights for their feast next week and I am drooling all over myself at the prospect of the vast sums these hairy vestiges of a simpler life are promising to pay me for their Thursday sustenance.

Merry Thanksgiving and Happy Holidays to all and to all a goodnight.

8:34 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Care for a laugh? Read it...

If the video would not be there to confirm it, this could be regarded as the best of Vick's satire piece.

1:54 PM  
Anonymous pinko said...

From The Motley Fool:

Undervalued Growth Congressmen

Now's the time to be daring and scoop up the currently undervalued US Congressmen who have great payoff potential.

While Republican Congressmen have traditionally been blue-chip commodities for big-business investors, recent events have lowered their value. Don't let that fool you, there's still lots of potential for beneficial legislation, especially in the Senate where the balance of power is not as solid. You may have to hold on to these Republicans for at least 2 years until the 2008 elections, but if you're willing to take the gamble now you may be looking at a big reward down the road.

And don't overlook the Democrats. Although normally not as lucrative as Republicans, the Democrats are poised to become leaders in corruption as soon as their almost-absolute power gets its chance to corrupt almost-absolutely.

Study the track records carefully and choose wisely. A current smart bet is Alan B. Mollohan (D-W.Va) and depending on December's runoff results, William J. Jefferson (D-LA) could provide solid earnings for those who invest in payola.

For earmarks, look no further than anti-war spokesman John P. Murtha (D-PA), and for corporate favoritism, it would be hard for big money to find a better friend than incoming Majority Leader, Steny H. Hoyer (D-MD).

They are all of 'em politicians, folks, and none of them are in line for sainthood.

Yer pays yer money, and yer takes yer choice.


4:33 PM  
Blogger jurassicpork said...

And those liberal whackjobs complain about inflation! Hah! This proves the Bush economy is stronger than ever.

6:36 PM  

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