A 2nd Rate Burglary Happens A 2nd, 3rd & 4th Time Around

Minneapolis, Minnesota - American thieves declared themselves extremely embarrassed by the recent string of burglaries at three Democratic Party headquarters in three different states over the course of a few days. During the weekend of March 17-18, both the Minnesota and the New Hampshire Democratic Party headquarters were forcibly entered and robbed. The Ohio headquarters had been burglarized a few days prior.

In each robbery only selected items used by ranking personnel were taken. In Minnesota the laptop of the communications director was the only thing stolen although other laptops and equipment were in the same area. In Ohio only the laptop and a communications device used by the state party chairman was missing while other laptops and devices were left untouched. While the New Hampshire headquarters did not release particulars of the burglary, initial reports indicate only specific items were missing, seemingly consistent with the burglaries in Minnesota and Ohio.

Jesse J. Tucker, head of Felons R Us, has issued a statement disavowing any knowledge or connection to the break-ins, saying the burglaries were not the work of regular thieves. Asked how he knew the thieves weren't habitual burglars Mr. Tucker said "In each case only one laptop or some communications gadget was taken. I mean, what self-respecting thief would go to the trouble of breaking into a building to take just one laptop when there are so many other laptops sitting there in plain sight practically begging to be scooped up?"

Mr. Tucker further explained, "It's not like laptops are big and heavy. If you can take one, you can take ten. And why take just one BlackBerry or cell phone when you can fit a whole bunch in your pockets? The whole point of a smash-and-grab is to grab as much as you can."

"These guys who break into a place and then take just one lousy laptop are impostors. They're not real, genuine guys on the street," complained Mr. Tucker. "But some people are going to say 'Just a routine burglary, folks, nothing to see here, move along' and blame it on us. That's downright humiliating."

Mr. Tucker admitted he was somewhat discouraged about the robberies. "Amateurs," he sighed, shaking his head. "Forget about checking the pawnshops and fences," he advised. "Follow the money."

Written for Assimilated Press by roving reporter pinko