Cigarettes Now Fortified With Zinc

Raleigh, North Carolina - PepsiCo and Coca Cola, in an effort to regain some of the fizz in their market shares lost to bottled waters, have both announced that they will soon be selling sodas with vitamins and minerals. "This is a wonderful way for consumers to incorporate health into their routine without any sacrifices," claims Dr. Milton Ostrowsky of the Center For Misleading Consumer Advertising, a division of the Cavity, Cancer and Cholesterol Association, "What's better than eating junk food with vitamins?"

In keeping with this new trend, Virginia Slims cigarettes will soon be available fortified with zinc and other trace elements as Virginia Slims, Fit and Healthy. Kandy Korn, that Halloween staple of pure sugar, starch, unpronounceable chemicals and food coloring, will appear on the shelves this October as Kandy Korn with Kumquats, offering 0.005 pct of the daily requirements for Vitamin C. Various brands of deep fried pork rinds will contain all sorts of newly injected goodness with niacin, iron, potassium and a trace of copper. Twinkies and Little Debby Snack Cakes will have generous helpings of anticoagulants to prevent heart attacks and strokes. Miller Lite beer will contain folic acid to aid in healthy fetal development, while Budweiser goes herbal with rose hips, "Putting the 'bud' in Budweiser!" And, crack cocaine will soon come in broccoli, tomato and tofu, fortified with thiamine, calcium and just a touch of plutonium.

"Eat! Drink! Enjoy!" said Dr. Ostrowsky, "It's good for you!"

Written for Assimilated Press by roving reporter pinko