Fox News Viewers Too Stupid To Switch Channels

Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania - A recent scientific study conducted by Carnegie Mellon University that probed the television habits of Fox News viewers has come to the conclusion that Fox News is first in ratings among the cable news networks for the simple reason that Fox News viewers lack the basic intelligence required to use the remote controls or off switches of their television sets.

Among the observations recorded by the researchers were the astounding facts that Fox News viewers were confused by the numerical designation of channels and that they were prone to sudden violent outbursts. Moreover, the study showed that those few Fox News viewers who had the basic intelligence to operate a television set and were capable of switching channels, refused to do so because they believe that Satan controls all of the other channels.

Said Dr. Holden K. Peterson of Carnegie Mellon University, "To say we were surprised at the results would be an understatement. In most of these homes the television sets are never off. There are pork rinds, potato chips and chicken bones all over their stained sculpted carpets. It is really a very disturbing site. Many of these people haven't left their homes in years and our researchers were the first human contact they have had in a very long time."