Bush's EPA Says Not Enough Mercury & Lead In Air

Washington, D.C. - Political appointees in charge of the Environmental Protection Agency (EPA) have eliminated all regulations restricting the quantity of mercury and lead that is allowed into the air through industrial pollution. This significant departure from the EPA's accepted charter of protecting the environment was adapted at the behest of several industrial giants such as Exxon Mobil and their lobbyists who have been working out of an annex to the White House built just outside of the Oval Office.

In announcing this decision, EPA Administrator Stephen L. Johnson said, "We have made the calculation that 410 thousand Americans will die prematurely because of the increased amounts of mercury and lead in the air and that many millions more will suffer debilitating diseases such as emphysema and asthma. However, we, in the Bush administration, believe that this is a small price to pay for increased profits and greater shareholder return."

In a related development, the Food and Drug Administration (FDA) announced that all restrictions on the maximum allowable amount of rat feces permitted in cereal products has been eliminated. This decision was based on a highly classified and top secret evaluation by the FDA that determined that rat feces could be considered a valuable nutritional supplement for growing children.