If Rove Testifies In A Forest And No One Hears Him...

Washington, D.C. - Fred Fielding sent a letter to Congress today outlining the terms under which the White House agrees Karl Rove, the President's top aide, will testify regarding the recent firing of eight US federal attorneys. In the letter, Mr. Fielding proposes that Mr. Rove's testimony be restricted to e-mails potentially involving the White House in the US attorney firing matter, in a closed door session, with government legal representation and Mr. Rove's personal representation if desired. The session would be conducted without administering an oath, no transcripts will be allowed, and this testimony will be in exchange for a Congressional promise of no subpoenas for Mr. Rove in the future.

In addition, Mr. Rove will only testify in front of people suffering severe short-term memory loss due to long term abuse of OxyContin. These drug addicts will not be released from confinement for a minimum of two weeks following the testimony. Mr. Fielding also insisted that all witnesses to the testimony must be legally deaf, blind, and unable to understand English in either written or spoken form. OxyContin addicts who meet these requirements and who also have a rapidly progressing fatal disease will be acceptable to the White House.

"Of course," wrote Mr. Fielding, "no questions will be put to Mr. Rove by any of the panelists. The location, date and time of the testimony will be classified and sealed for perpetuity, and the White House will neither confirm or deny the testimony itself has taken place."

Mr. Fielding closed the letter to Congressional members by saying he trusts these terms are adequate.

A senior Administration official said that there is some room for negotiation as Mr. Rove would also be amenable to testifying at an unspecified time in an undisclosed location to an assortment of small woodland creatures that had been cleared by White House security.

Written for Assimilated Press by roving reporter pinko