Sunday, April 01, 2007

Katie Couric Thinks Cotton Candy Is Mined In W. Virginia

New York, New York - Katie Couric may be the anchor of CBS Evening News and she may even think that her long stint as a chatty morning personality on NBC's Today Show made her a journalist but she will always be closer to Gracie Allen than Edward R. Murrow or Walter Cronkite.

In Couric's latest attempt to prove her worth as a real reporter she filed a story about terrorists infiltrating America disguised as circus clowns. On location with a traveling circus in Upstate New York, Couric began her story on live television smoothly and with no apparent mishaps. She talked about the ease with which terrorists can easily mask their identities by simply purchasing a big red nose, floppy shoes and baggy pants. She continued by saying that sources inside the Justice Department had told her that confessions from detainees in Guantanamo had supplied evidence that Al-Qaeda had infiltrated the United States with an army of circus clowns who can be activated at any given moment to inflict great harm on the country.

At this point, Katie should have left well enough alone. Instead, she deviated to talk about the American love affair with circuses and how we shouldn't let a few hundred terrorist clowns ruin that enjoyment, even though they do pose a serious risk and that the Constitution may have to be suspended while the nation fights this new menace. Then, she continued by saying that even though America no longer leads the world in manufacturing, technology, textiles or moral leadership, the country will always have enough cotton candy for our own domestic needs as well as those of the entire world.

In closing her story Couric said, "When I was little, my daddy used to take me to the circus. Every time he bought me a cotton candy cone he would tell me how all of the cotton candy in the world came from one source and one source only, a small cotton candy mine outside of Wheeling, West Virginia where they worked day and night to excavate enough cotton candy to meet the world's demand. That is as true today as it was then and it is why America will always be the greatest nation on the face of the earth."

On a related note, polls taken after the broadcast showed that 78 percent of the American public now believe that cotton candy comes from a mine in West Virginia.


Blogger Stephen Smoliar said...

I guess it was about time that someone come up with an American version of the great (and now classic, at least according to AFP) spaghetti tree hoax perpetrated by the BBC!

9:05 AM  
Blogger Lilith said...

I'll have you know spaghetti does grow on trees. Although only trees found in the UK. And that is why America is the greatest country in the world.

11:37 AM  
Anonymous masala said...

Ironically, Gracie Allen "acted" at being a ditzy person when in fact she was quite intelligent. In contrast, Couric is a ditz acting the part of an intelligent news anchor.

4:59 PM  

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