Washington Rocked By Potential Lack of Scandal

Washington, D.C. - Economic indicators for April show the country is headed towards a dangerous scandal deficit. The indicators include the sale of newspapers and advertising revenues for radio and television news programs and news websites. These indicators show that most Americans are no longer consuming scandal at their previous rate. The situation is a first in the history of the country.

"There was Teapot Dome, Watergate, Monica Lewinsky, big, huge scandals," said Dr. John Tucker, history professor at the University of Cincinnati. "But, there was always room for more in any given administration. However, the Bush Administration has used up all available scandals and now is in a scandal deficit situation."

Asked to define a scandal deficit, Dr. Tucker explained "In normal administrations you have several types of scandals. There are sex scandals, alcohol and drug scandals, outright payoffs, corruption by corporate interests, cronyism and nepotism and dipping into public funds. Then there's war profiteering, real estate opportunism coupled with helpful zoning and development and things like can't-keep-a-straight-face silliness such as landlocked states getting naval bases. Every administration since Truman has had toxic waste dumping, nuclear reactor safety going to the lowest bidder without meaningful oversight and Pentagon medical experimentation on an unsuspecting populace. Finally, there is the usual racist or two, a sexist or two, diplomatic gaffes, open mic embarrassments and multi-gazillion dollar programs that produce absolutely nothing, actually make things worse. All of them are good, solid, time-tested scandals. The Bush Administration has used up all these scandals. There just simply aren't any scandals left, and as a country, we are now in a scandal deficit."

White House press secretary Tony Snow attempted to assure the country that there were still plenty of scandals left. "The Department of Justice has plenty of scandal left. The Department of Education and the student loan lender kickbacks, there's a scandal, right there. Guantanamo, New Orleans revitalization, Iraq, maybe Iran, all of these areas are rich fields for future scandals. In fact, I think that if you examine the record, not only are we not into a scandal deficit, this administration is creating a scandal surplus that will supply continuing, sustainable scandals for years to come."

Written for Assimilated Press by roving reporter pinko