Administration Creates Department Of Scandal

Washington, D.C. - President Bush today unveiled an ambitious plan to supply the country with fresh scandals until 2008. "There are those who say America has run out of new scandals, that we're in scandal re-runs. The Secretary of the Department of Scandal, a full cabinet position answering to me, this Scandal Secretary will be in charge of making sure there is more than enough fresh scandal for every man, woman and child in America right through to the end of my term and even beyond."

There was no immediate announcement as to the identity of the new Scandal Secretary. Administration insiders point to the possibility of former Defense Secretary, Donald Rumsfeld, former Attorney General John Ashcroft or Rick Santorum, the former senator from Pennsylvania. A White House press release said the president would name the new Scandal Secretary within the week.

Sen. John McCain (R-AZ) was quick to praise the new department. "This is bold vision and leadership by the president," said Sen. McCain, "America is number one in scandal worldwide, a singular achievement of the Bush administration. Having a Department of Scandal will help us keep our edge."

Democrats were more guarded in their statements. "I'm not sure that you can just create good, fresh, new scandal by simply saying you're going to do so," said House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-CA), "Scandal takes some planning, greed, money, a lack of conscience, and often, full-frontal nudity. We're cautiously optimistic that the administration can supply the greed, money, lack of conscience and even nudity. It's the planning part we're not too sure about."

Written for Assimilated Press by roving reporter pinko