Shredded Documents From White House Fill Grand Canyon

Washington, D.C. - The National Park Service today announced that Grand Canyon National Park will no longer be open to the public and is, in fact, no longer a canyon. The reason for this was explained by the director of the National Park Service Reginald Killtree, a former lobbyist for Pacific Lumber.

Said Killtree, "Seven years ago, the National Park Service reached a secret agreement with the Bush administration which allowed White House officials to use the Grand Canyon as a dumping ground for their shredded documents. We had expected this to take up one small stretch of this national treasure but to our surprise the volume of shredded documents was so great that it has completely filled the canyon and now the Grand Canyon is no longer a canyon. In addition, the sheer mass of paper filling the canyon has absorbed all of the water from the Colorado River like a giant paper towel which has led to the closure of the Boulder Dam due to the inability of its turbine engines to produce energy. This, in turn, is leaving us no choice but to order the immediate evacuation of Las Vegas which will not be able to sustain itself without power. However, things are looking up. We have found another storage facility for the administration's shredded documents which we feel will meet its needs until the end of its term. This storage facility is called North Dakota."