McCain Blames Clinton For Influenza Epidemic Of 1919
Washington, D.C. - Senator John McCain said today that he agreed with Fox News personality Bill O'Reilly when he claimed that former President Bill Clinton was responsible for the influenza epidemic of 1919. He also agreed with O'Reilly that Hillary Clinton was to blame for women's suffrage, Al Gore was at fault for cholesterol, and that Keith Olbermann had precipitated the end of Western civilization.
Said McCain, "When I am elected president there will be no more influenza outbreaks, women will lose the vote along with their reproductive rights, cholesterol will be eradicated, and Keith Olbermann will be sent to Guantanamo in order to preserve Western civilization."
In an related story, inside sources have told Assimilated Press that McCain has been guaranteed by highly placed officials from Halliburton and Exxon Mobil that he will be the Republican nominee for President in 2008.