Wednesday, October 11, 2006

McCain Blames Clinton For Influenza Epidemic Of 1919

Washington, D.C. - Senator John McCain said today that he agreed with Fox News personality Bill O'Reilly when he claimed that former President Bill Clinton was responsible for the influenza epidemic of 1919. He also agreed with O'Reilly that Hillary Clinton was to blame for women's suffrage, Al Gore was at fault for cholesterol, and that Keith Olbermann had precipitated the end of Western civilization.

Said McCain, "When I am elected president there will be no more influenza outbreaks, women will lose the vote along with their reproductive rights, cholesterol will be eradicated, and Keith Olbermann will be sent to Guantanamo in order to preserve Western civilization."

In an related story, inside sources have told Assimilated Press that McCain has been guaranteed by highly placed officials from Halliburton and Exxon Mobil that he will be the Republican nominee for President in 2008.


Blogger Gourney DetoureĀ© said...

Well credit where credit's due...(but I wouldn't think even Bill O'Reilly's parents would want to take credit for Bill O'Reilly)

for the record:

6:43 PM  
Anonymous pinko said...

Nope, you have it all wrong.
First, W. will declare a State of Emergency due to some vague terrorist threat and suspend term limits because "The Constitution is not a suicide pact" and "America can't swtich horses in mid-stream as our great President. Abraham Lincoln said". Then, after a few more years when Cheney's valves finally give out, after 30 days of national mourning, W. officially will appoint Jeb as Vice because "it is important for the Vice President to share the President's vision and to have the President's trust; and there's no one I trust more than my brother Jeb".
Then, after a couple of years, Jeb will stand up so that W can stand down and enjoy a well-earned vacation. W will then have a chance to go to Crawford for months every year, cutting brush, riding his bike, going to bed at 8 PM - all things a busy President hasn't had time to do during the crises of his reign, such as during Hurricane Katrina.

THEN, If McCain is a very, very good boy he might get to be Vice for Jeb. But by that point McCain will be old and neuteured. So come the next "election" for "Commander in Chief and President of the United Staes of America" (the old, quaint title having gone the way of the Geneva Conventions) the GOP will want a younger face, someone who will appeal to a broad spectrum of voters.
Rick Santorum, perhaps?

9:13 PM  
Anonymous KnickKnack said...

Gourney, I don't think O'Reilly was born. I think he crawled out of a hole in the ground after an earthquake.

Pinko, great scenario but don't you think that the Bush twins, Barb and Jen, would get the job before Santorum?

9:20 PM  

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