Friday, October 31, 2008

Cheney Evaluating Living Abroad?

Washington, D.C. - According to Administration insiders Vice President Dick Cheney was seen recently reading a tall stack of travel brochures. Per the Vice President's press office, "Vice President Cheney, having worked long and hard for the American people as a public servant, deserves a little vacation."

But, inside the Beltway, the speculation is that Cheney is planning more than a "little vacation."

"There are over 50 countries that have no extradition treaty with the United States," said Tucker Yap, international legal scholar. "It is possible that the Vice President is looking into his options."

Wednesday, October 29, 2008

All Obama, All The Time

Well, if you don't care for Obama don't watch t.v. tonight.

There will be a "infomercial"- type Obama campaign ad tonight at 8 pm Eastern, Obama will be on The Daily Show with Jon Stewart later, and in Orlando there will be a late-night rally featuring Obama and his brand-new campaign buddy Bill Clinton.

If you're a Republican, it might be a good night to read a book; may I suggest The Audacity of Hope?

Tuesday, October 28, 2008

The October, November, December, January Surprises

The Bush Administration is in office through the first 3 weeks of January. In all the excitement, the polls, the debates and that "lame duck" label it's easy to forget they are still in control.

They have almost 3 months in which to create more chaos:

The EPA, now renamed the Environmental Pollution Agency, will be lowering protections further by allowing more power plant emissions into the air.

The Endangered Species are getting even more endangered.

The White House desperately wants to sign an accord by January 1, 2009 with Iraq which states we'll be in that country an additional 3 years; this accord even has a clause that says "cancellation of this agreement requires a written notice provided one year in advance." (If we don't do that I guess we forfeit our security deposit. It didn't say whether Iraq would be required to repaint prior to the next occupation.)

Speaking of security of our homeland, the White House also doesn't want to abide by the law because following the law might allow Congress undoctored information.

Recently we've invaded the sovereign space of Syria. We've already conducted military operations in Pakistan. These actions were without the knowledge or consent of the affected countries. (Of course, America has a long history of invading one place and then oozing into another; Vietnam, Laos - whatever.)

And, it's only October. What other nasty surprises are in store? I just don't see Cheney leaving office without bombarding Iran especially since Ahmadinejad is supposedly "exhausted." (Or perhaps the CIA is carrying out another brilliant scheme)

It ain't over til it's over...

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

I Didn't Make This Up

I didn't make this up. It's for real. Those wacky Nebraskans!


LINCOLN, Neb. (AP) — A judge has thrown out a Nebraska legislator's lawsuit against God, saying the Almighty wasn't properly served due to his unlisted home address. State Sen. Ernie Chambers filed the lawsuit last year seeking a permanent injunction against God.

He said God has made terroristic threats against the senator and his constituents in Omaha, inspired fear and caused "widespread death, destruction and terrorization of millions upon millions of the Earth's inhabitants."

Chambers has said he filed the lawsuit to make the point that everyone should have access to the courts regardless of whether they are rich or poor.

On Tuesday, however, Douglas County District Court Judge Marlon Polk ruled that under state law a plaintiff must have access to the defendant for a lawsuit to move forward.

"Given that this court finds that there can never be service effectuated on the named defendant this action will be dismissed with prejudice," Polk wrote.

Chambers, who graduated from law school but never took the bar exam, thinks he's found a hole in the judge's ruling.

"The court itself acknowledges the existence of God," Chambers said Wednesday. "A consequence of that acknowledgment is a recognition of God's omniscience." Therefore, Chambers said, "Since God knows everything, God has notice of this lawsuit."

Chambers has 30 days to decide whether to appeal. He said he hasn't decided yet.

Voters Stay Home, Conservatives Win

Citing a "steady decline attributed to voter malaise, mistrust of politicians, and a feeling that the election outcome was a foregone conclusion", voters stayed home on election day.

Whoops, sorry! Wrong country.

Uh Oh....

Washington, D.C. - President Bush declared today that "the economy will come back better than ever."

Political commentator Marcia Funebre said, "Well, hey, think of how correct Bush was on terrorists attacking the US pre-9/11, or on finding WMDs in Iraq or on Katrina reconstruction, or on global warming or on any other number of important issues. I, for one, feel greatly reassured."

Monday, October 06, 2008

Belt Lines Control Stock Market

New York – Forget that old adage that womens’ hemlines control the stock market. The Dow fell below 10,000 today, crashing through the imaginary floor, going into the basement, but New York, Paris and Milan hemlines were only slightly lower than last year’s showings.

The current fashion and economic link appears to be teenage boys' belt lines.

Marcia Funebre of The Fashion Institute of Wasilla explained, “Since the George W. Bush administration teenage boys have been wearing their pants lower and lower. Most of them can hardly walk. They waddle around looking like they have full diapers. As their belt lines fell lower, the economy followed.”

Market analysts have not yet confirmed the theory that teenage boys' belt lines are controlling the stock market.

Tucker Yap, of Weir-Pore and Wurried, the former investment powerhouse, said “Hey, it’s as good a theory as any.”

Thursday, October 02, 2008

Class President Refuses to Release Homework Citing Executive Privilege

Watertown N.Y. – The Watertown High School senior class president today refused to release portions of her French homework assignment citing “executive privilege.”

“I can see Canada from the upstairs bathroom window if I stand on my tiptoes and squint,” said 2009 Senior Class President Elizabeth Picard. “This gives me foreign policy experience. And, I’m class president, so that gives me executive privilege. Plus, I was almost in the Model UN. I wasn't in the Model UN but I could have been if I hadn't had a conflict with band; we had an away game.”

Interviewed by the Yearbook Committee, Ms. Picard said, “Releasing my homework for French class could have serious destabilizing consequences for our neighbor to the north. This could affect the American economy. It could be, like, totally bad.”

Daily Quiz

What questions would you like to ask the Vice Presidential candidates?