Rush Limbaugh & Republicans Offer Oxycontin Solution

Palm Beach, Florida - Today, in a hastily scheduled meeting of Republican senators and representatives, the assembled chieftains of the GOP, by a voice vote and without debate, unanimously adopted the economic plan of their Supreme Leader, Rush Limbaugh.

This economic plan, commonly referred to as The Oxycontin Solution, will provide no stimulus to the economy and no relief to suffering Americans struggling to survive during these extremely difficult times. Instead, Rush Limbaugh and the Republican Party will advocate more tax breaks for multinational corporations and wealthy individuals along with drastic cuts in Social Security, Medicare, child nutrition and public education.

However, the centerpiece of the plan is the free distribution of Oxycontin to every man, woman and child in the United States which is meant to show the compassionate side of the Republican Party and more importantly to help quell any embarrassing rioting and rebellion from disaffected and desperate citizens.

Speaking from experience, Rush Limbaugh told his Republican followers that "giving Oxycontin to Americans will make their financial problems and painful struggles disappear into a blissful stupefying numbness that will, as I discovered, make their soul deadening emptiness bearable. My friends, as sure as God is a member of the GOP and the Devil a Democrat, Oxycontin will bring the Republican Party back to power."

As is customary at Republican gatherings, this policy decision was voted on after the ritual slaughter of three fawns, two cockatiels and a polar bear cub which, to the delight of all, were served with a fine bernaise sauce, raw oysters and quail eggs.