Supreme Court Says Cheney Within Rights To Shoot Santa
Washington, D.C. - In a five to four decision with the majority opinion written by Justice Antonin Scalia, the Supreme Court ruled today that Vice President Dick Cheney was within his rights to shoot Santa Claus dead for trespassing on his property. This decision means that the civil suit brought against the vice president by Mrs. Claus, Santa's widow, is now officially over and that Cheney is not liable in any way for his actions on that cold December night. To make matters worse for Mrs. Claus, the Supreme Court declared that Santa's estate would be required to pay Vice President Dick Cheney 2.2 million dollars in punitive damages for the emotional distress he had to endure over the incident.
In announcing the court's decision, Justice Scalia, a close friend and hunting buddy of the vice president, said "Santa was not only trespassing on private property, which is a very serious offense, he did not even have proper identification and it appears that he was entering the country illegally. Personally, if I had seen a heavy set man dressed in a red robe and leading a team of reindeer on my front lawn in the middle of the night, I would have shot him too."
As he walked out of the Supreme Court, Cheney turned to Mrs. Claus and triumphantly said to the grieving woman, "I had five justices in the bag before I even walked into the building, bitch. You never had a chance. And by the way, Rudolph was delicious."