President Bush Consents To Interview With Assimilated Press
Experienced journalists fearlessly reporting the truth in pursuit of the real story
Colorado Springs, Colorado - Several Minutemen battalions have been moved from the Mexican border to locations in Middle America. The move, explained James Dobson, leader of Focus on the Family, came at the request of his organization, a major group in the Christian Coalition.
Washington, D.C. - Attorney General Alberto Gonzales has confirmed reports that the Justice Department has placed all of Washington, D.C. under "Top Secret" classification effective immediately. "D.C. is now a classified area. Making D.C. classified is absolutely vital to the safety and security of the American people," said Mr. Gonzales.
Washington, D.C. - The White House announced today that the entire Iraq Study Group has been given a pardon by President Bush and that they have also been released from custody in Guantanamo. A spokesperson for James Baker, former Secretary of State and co-chair of the Iraq Study Group, said "Secretary Baker and the men and women who worked with him on the Iraq Study Group are pleased to have received a pardon and are anxiously looking forward to continuing with their daily lives."
Washington, D.C. - Taking a page from celebrities Mel Gibson, Lindsay Lohan, Isaiah Washington and the reigning Miss USA, President Bush has decided that the only way to salvage his rapidly disappearing political fortune is to voluntarily commit himself to a rehabilitation clinic from which he will emerge a week later cured of a variety of ailments which are said to include megalomania, a messianic complex and poll ratings which are at record lows.
London, England - The following interview took place Thursday morning in the Prime Minister's residence at Number 10 Downing Street over tea and scones. There were no restrictions and no ground rules for the conduct of the interview.
During its January 19 program the television show Fox and Friends revealed that presidential contender Barak Obama’s middle name is Hussein. This alerted the American public that Obama, whose last name sounds eerily similar to Osama, may actually be a terrorist.
London, England - In an upcoming interview in Assimilated Press, Prime Minister Tony Blair angrily states that he is not Bush's poodle and that his complete subservience to the American president is based on his sycophantic nature and not his canine bloodline. He also claims that he was once in a three-way telephone conversation with the American president and God in which they discussed the war in Iraq and the national health policy. Unfortunately, Blair insisted that he could not divulge the details of this extraordinary conversation because of the risk that strategic information that God shared with both leaders would fall into the hands of the insurgents as well as the Tories and Democrats.
Washington, D.C. - The following interview with First Lady Laura Bush took place in the White House late last week. There were no restrictions on the questions asked and, as you will soon discover, the First Lady was anxious to make her point of view known on some very controversial and personal subjects.
New York, New York - In a late night confrontation outside of the Carnegie Deli in Manhattan on Thursday, Fox News personality Geraldo Rivera appeared to bite off more than he could chew when he approached MSNBC journalist Keith Olbermann on the sidewalk in front of the legendary eating establishment. With a Fox News television crew in tow, Rivera ran up to Olbermann just as he was leaving the restaurant. Acting like a Cockapoo on crank, Rivera started yelling obscenities and taunts at Olbermann in an attempt to provoke him into a fight. Olbermann, who remained calm throughout the whole incident, seemed amused at the clownish antics of Rivera which only seemed to fuel the Fox News personality's anger.
Washington, D.C. - Trying to turn the latest "new and improved" Iraq war plan into a catchy phrase that can more easily be sold to the American people, White House spin masters have come up with "Viagra for Iraq-ra." While this phrase is grammatically tortured and less than coherent, top officials at both the Pentagon and the Bush administration believe it will give the public something they can rally around. Of course, this marketing strategy fits in well with the president's notorious fascination with phallic imagery which many independent psychologists have attributed to his own personal shortcomings.
Los Angeles, California - One of the most respected investigative reporters in the world, Virt of Assimilated Press, found out today that he has been banned from The Huffington Post. No reason was given and there was no warning or indication of this radical move on the part of The Huffington Post to stifle debate on the Internet. Shocked by this Soviet style behavior, Assimilated Press conducted an examination of Virt's postings to The Huffington Post which showed that he has not engaged in profanity or flaming which makes this particular move on their part both mysterious and troubling.
Baghdad, Iraq - The following interview with Saddam Hussein took place in the American secured Green Zone in Baghdad just moments before Saddam was transfered from the custody of American troops into the hands of a gang of hooded gunmen claiming to be representatives of the Iraqi government.
Assimilated Press will soon be going to locations all over the country and the world to bring you ground breaking interviews with famous politicians and celebrities that you will not get anywhere else. As always, we will fearlessly be pursuing the real stories that no one else dares to publish.
New York, New York - In an increasingly desperate attempt to appeal to an ever dwindling audience, Fox News is set to introduce its latest gambit to attract viewers and increase its ratings. Starting tomorrow, Fox News on-air personalities will forsake suits and dresses and replace them with clown outfits.
Washington, D.C. - Hoping to prevent what appears to be an inevitable devastating political and military defeat in Iraq, President Bush has decided on a last desperate attempt to win on the battlefield so that he can have one more "mission accomplished" moment before he leaves office. In announcing this strategic shift, Bush introduced the secret weapons that he believes will reverse his humiliating loss and ensure a swift victory. These secret weapons are Rambo and the Terminator who have been instructed to immediately prepare for deployment to Iraq.
Don't forget to set your calendar back to January 1, 2003.