Friday, May 29, 2009

Spielberg to direct Rush Limbaugh biopic

Academy award winning director Steven Spielberg has taken on the difficult task of turning the life of conservative icon Rush Limbaugh into a feature length film. On the surface this would appear to be an unusual choice for the famous director, however, Spielberg is rumored to have said in the past that he is fascinated by the Republican talk show host and the near total control he has over his followers known as dittoheads. 

Taking a psychological approach, the movie will explore the blind obedience of Rush's listeners and their apparent willingness to surrender their free will and reason to some multimillionaire broadcasting from a studio near his mansion in Palm Beach. It will also ask the questions many Americans are anxious to have answered. Who are these dittoheads? Why are they so willing to sacrifice their most sacred possession, their minds, to a talk show jockey who is not an expert on anything? And, finally, are dittoheads a potent political force or just an army of sponges soaking up swill all day long?

Insiders who have viewed the first draft of the script said that it will be a hard hitting picture that will combine the best of Vaudeville with the deepest emotional trauma of Greek Tragedy. Production is expected to start in January with Roseanne Barr playing the role of Rush Limbaugh.

Friday, May 15, 2009

Arlen Specter switches to Vegetarian Party

Senator Arlen Specter continued to confound the political establishment with his latest seismic shift in party loyalty. The shocking event occurred Friday night at the Whole Earth Festival in Davis, California when a shirtless and barefoot Specter approached a group of stunned onlookers and announced his decision to leave the Democratic Party so that he could join the Vegetarian Party.

With the hauntingly beautiful voice of Ursula Knudson from the band Fishtank Ensemble in the near-distance and the smell of garlic fries seemingly everywhere, the senator loudly proclaimed that his "views are more closely aligned with the Vegetarians than with either the Democrats or Republicans."

True to his contrarian nature, Specter then stated that "this doesn't mean that I will always adhere to the party line. I will still have an occasional cheeseburger or a big juicy steak because that is the kind of independent minded person I am."

Senator Specter then joined hands with a lithesome raven haired girl and began dancing in the drum circle.

There has been no comment from Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid or any of Specter's senate colleagues concerning this latest development.

Monday, May 11, 2009

Miss California to run for US senate

In a move that is sure to make California politics more entertaining than usual, anti-gay rights activist, breast implant charity recipient and current Miss California, Carrie Prejean, is making a bid to extend her 15 minutes of fame by challenging Barbara Boxer for her senate seat in the 2010 election. Miss California said she would be running as the Republican nominee since it is the party that most closely reflects her views on gays, god and breast implants.

Calling herself a simple girl with simple-minded values, the Miss America runner-up said she would go to Washington to work tirelessly to restore America to its Christian roots but that nonbelievers should not be afraid of her because she is a compassionate person who will "tolerate those who are going to burn in hell for eternity."

Miss California also made it clear that the severe economic problems facing the country will be near the top of her agenda when she stated that "any stimulus package that passes while I am in Congress will include free breast implants for every girl over the age of 17 and if that doesn't arouse the economy out of its limp state then I don't know what a stimulus package is."

Concerning the recent uproar over her nude photos, Miss California showed her political acumen by cleverly attempting to turn the controversy into an advantage by saying, "Who would the public rather see nude, me or Barbara Boxer?"

Interest in the election is expected to be high and talks are already underway to offer the Miss California/Barbara Boxer debates on Pay Per View.

Friday, May 01, 2009

Rush Limbaugh Responsible for Swine Flu Pandemic

Atlanta, GA - The Center for Disease Control (CDC) today declared that inflammatory radio talk show personality Rush Limbaugh was responsible for the spread of swine flu in the United States.

"Let's face it," said Tammy Flew, spokesperson for the CDC, "the man is a pig. Really. That's not a metaphor. We've checked his DNA; ol' Rush is a porker. That's all, folks!"

Public Relations executives for Mr. Limbaugh did not return repeated calls for comment.