Cheney Says Pulling Out Fingernails Is Manicure Not Torture

Washington, D.C. - Today Vice President Dick Cheney attempted to clarify his position on torture after his recent comments concerning waterboarding caused a stir among human rights groups and supporters of the Geneva Conventions. In trying to minimize the controversy that erupted when he said that waterboarding was not torture and is something that the United States does as a matter of policy, Cheney said "Waterboarding is not so bad. They just place the prisoners under water and make them believe they are drowning until they beg for mercy and tell us what we want to know. That's not torture. It's just a good old fashioned interrogation technique that has been used since the middle ages."

Cheney then went on to say that other techniques used by American interrogators are not torture either, "Look, making prisoners stand for 28 straight hours in subfreezing weather while hanging from the ceilings of their cells is really a form of fitness therapy that is good for the prisoners overall health and mental conditioning. This is something they would pay for in a health club."

Cheney concluded his remarks by talking about an interrogation technique used by Americans that had not previously been disclosed, "You know, one of the best methods we use in Guantanamo and other places is not waterboarding, it is pulling out the fingernails of prisoners one by one. You would be surprised just how effective this is. Only three or four detainees have been able to withstand the pain, all of the others have broken like little toy ceramic dolls under the wheels of a dump truck." Cheney then added while laughing, "Of course, this isn't torture either. If fact, the President and I like to refer to it as a little courtesy manicure for the prisoners."

There was no comment from Senators John McCain, Lindsey Graham or John Warner whose legislation to overrule the Geneva Conventions made this treatment of prisoners acceptable under American law.