Saturday, October 28, 2006

Cheney Says Pulling Out Fingernails Is Manicure Not Torture

Washington, D.C. - Today Vice President Dick Cheney attempted to clarify his position on torture after his recent comments concerning waterboarding caused a stir among human rights groups and supporters of the Geneva Conventions. In trying to minimize the controversy that erupted when he said that waterboarding was not torture and is something that the United States does as a matter of policy, Cheney said "Waterboarding is not so bad. They just place the prisoners under water and make them believe they are drowning until they beg for mercy and tell us what we want to know. That's not torture. It's just a good old fashioned interrogation technique that has been used since the middle ages."

Cheney then went on to say that other techniques used by American interrogators are not torture either, "Look, making prisoners stand for 28 straight hours in subfreezing weather while hanging from the ceilings of their cells is really a form of fitness therapy that is good for the prisoners overall health and mental conditioning. This is something they would pay for in a health club."

Cheney concluded his remarks by talking about an interrogation technique used by Americans that had not previously been disclosed, "You know, one of the best methods we use in Guantanamo and other places is not waterboarding, it is pulling out the fingernails of prisoners one by one. You would be surprised just how effective this is. Only three or four detainees have been able to withstand the pain, all of the others have broken like little toy ceramic dolls under the wheels of a dump truck." Cheney then added while laughing, "Of course, this isn't torture either. If fact, the President and I like to refer to it as a little courtesy manicure for the prisoners."

There was no comment from Senators John McCain, Lindsey Graham or John Warner whose legislation to overrule the Geneva Conventions made this treatment of prisoners acceptable under American law.


Anonymous pinko said...

Last of The Wild Mustangs to Be Shipped To Guantanamo

The Administration today announced that it has found a way to save the last of America's wild mustangs. Press secretary Tony Snow, in today's address to The Heritage Foundation, explained that the administration was saddened by the necessity of eradicating the last of the wild mustangs.

Mr. Snow explained that the wild mustangs were not gainfully employed and that despite the wild herds having been self-sustaining since the times of the Spanish conquistadors, "everything changed after 9/11" and concern was that they would turn into "welfare horses". This concern, according to Mr. Snow, not the pressure of the oil and gas lobby, was what turned the Bureau of Land Management into an instrument for rounding up and slaughtering the horses under the auspices of the 1971 federal act established for the specific purpose of protecting them.

Now, however, the administration has advanced a program to save the wild mustangs by employing them during prisoner interrogations at Guantanamo. Each prisoner who refuses to cooperate with interrogators, will be tied by his limbs to four separate horses. Each horse will be facing a different direction. If the prisoner refuses to divulge the crucial and timely information that his interrogators are convinced he knows, despite being in their custody without outside contact for over three years, the horses will be set free. As each horse gallops off in a different direction, the prisoner will be torn apart, in a technique known as "drawing and quartering."

"It's a time-honored method of handling criminals, plus it finds a better use for the horses than selling them for dogmeat." said Mr.Snow, "Everybody's happy. It's a win-win situation."

7:48 PM  
Anonymous radmod said...

You will probably find this funny. Some conservative idiot thought you were serious on He said:

Do you realize just how stupid you are. You post this story about VP Cheney and pulling out fingernails.

Did you happen to check out any of the other stories from Assimilated Press?

7:50 PM  
Anonymous radmod said...

Virt, you and pinko are wonderfully whack. Enough so that I have bookmarked your site. (Like you really care, I know)

7:59 PM  
Anonymous radmod said...

"despite being in their custody without outside contact for over three years"

This is what makes good humor so, well, good. The absurdity of reality that is mixed in with the absurdity of humor.

8:36 PM  

Post a Comment

<< Home