Scalia Says To American Women "Your Womb Is Mine"

Washington, D.C. - Antonin Scalia and his four fellow male justices went to Hooters yesterday to celebrate the first big step in accomplishing their long held dream of overturning the right of women to make their own medical decisions in consultation with their doctors. Said Scalia after his fourth rusty nail, "It's a scientific fact that women have a much smaller brain than men. They are simply incapable of making such an important decision. You wouldn't let a dog off of its leash if you thought it might run into the street. Well, my colleagues and I are not going to let women casually sin against the Bible...I mean, we are not going to let them violate the Constitution as we see it."

The usually silent Clarence Thomas jubilantly chimed in, "When we stopped the votes of Black people from being counted in Florida and appointed Bush president, this is what we had in mind. Once we found out we could get away with that we knew we could get away with anything."

The court's newest member Justice Alito then remarked with a mischievous grin, "Today, it's one medical procedure. Next year it will be ten. The year after that it will be all of them. Then, we will stop the evil of contraceptives, end heresy and throw evolution out of the schools so we can put prayer back in. America, get ready. The Republican Party, George W. Bush, and we five mighty men of the Supreme Court are just getting started."