Paulie Walnuts Makes Dick Cheney His Bitch

Lodi, New Jersey - In the final season of the HBO hit series, The Sopranos, Paulie Walnuts makes Vice President Dick Cheney an offer he can't refuse as he tries to save the family's business interests.

The episode, entitled "Bad for Business", starts out with Tony telling Christopher that Karl Rove is bad for business because Tony feels Rove is responsible for all the security at Kennedy Airport which is making it difficult for Tony's crime family to smuggle goods into the country.

Tony tells Christopher that Karl Rove is "a real bulldog" who won't give up on "all this security shit" because "he has to make Bush look good for his bosses in the Halliburton family." Tony further instructs Christopher to take Paulie with him to D.C. to find Rove and take care of him.

Christopher and Paulie journey to Washington, D.C. En route, Christopher tells Paulie that "Tony wants us to take care of this bulldog named Rover who's always hanging around the bushes." Paulie expresses some reservations about the wisdom of Tony's request, but decides to obey.

At the President's press conference denouncing the Democratic war appropriations bill, Paulie sees a man lurking in the bushes. Believing this man to be Rover's owner, Paulie accosts him, yelling, "Where's the fuckin' dog, dickhead?" As Cheney begins to shout for the Secret Service, Paulie slaps him and says, "I want the fuckin' dog! Where is the fuckin' dog?" Cheney, terrified, replies "There is no dog, just me. Please don't hurt me."

"No dog! No dog!" yells Paulie. "Do you know who you're messin' with, pal. Now, I'm gonna have to get tough with you." Paulie then orders the Vice President to take off his clothes and bark while he crawls naked on his hands and knees. Fearing for his safety, Cheney follows Paulie's commands.

"You don't look like no fuckin' bulldog to me," said Paulie. "You look more like a fuckin' bald Cockapoo. Now, are you gonna tell me where Rover is?"

"Rover? You want Rover?" said Cheney. "He's over there sitting behind the President."

As Paulie turned to look at the group assembled for the press conference, Cheney quickly scurried off on all fours screaming for help. The startled White House press core and cadre of secret service agents looked at the nude man crawling in front of them and didn't know whether to go to his aid or laugh.

In the confusion, Christopher and Paulie flee to The National Mall where they wander around the Lincoln Memorial for hours looking in vain for any signs of stores and a food court.

Finally, Tony comes to DC and rescues Christopher and Paulie from a tour bus filled with senior congregants from Our Lady of Sorrows, Lodi, New Jersey, where the two had taken refuge after following the scent of the passengers' salami sandwiches.

As the episode ends, Karl Rove is seen going into the West Wing unawares that he has escaped Tony's wrath. Meanwhile, Carmella orders new drapes for the living room even though Meadow says she dislikes the color.

Written for Assimilated Press by roving reporter pinko