Guantanamo Confession Clears Gonzales In US Attorney Purge

Washington, D.C. - The Justice Department, in a surprise announcement, today stated that Khalid Shaikh Mohammed had confessed to firing the 8 US Attorneys who are at the crux of the latest scandal to plague the Bush administration. Khalid Shaikh Mohammed also said that he was responsible for replacing them with inexperienced cronies culled from Pat Robertson's fourth tier Regent University. In addition, he said that he acted alone and did not consult with Alberto Gonzales, Karl Rove or anyone else in the administration.

Shortly after the confession was released by the Justice Department, White House spokesperson Dana Perino said, "Now that Khalid Shaikh Mohammed has confessed to firing the US Attorneys, we consider the matter closed. There is no need for any further testimony or documents from officials in the Justice Department or White House."

When Perino was asked whether or not Khalid Shaikh Mohammed would be allowed to testify before Congress, she replied, "I'm afraid that is no longer possible. It seems that Khalid Shaikh Mohammed accidentally bit off his tongue while brushing his teeth shortly after he made his confession. He won't be talking to anyone anymore."