Supreme Court To Put Another Dick In White House

Washington, D.C. - At the behest of Antonin Scalia, Chief Justice John Roberts has scheduled a meeting of the five most conservative justices for early next week in which they will select the next president of the United States.

Sources inside the Supreme Court have told Assimilated Press that the decision will surprise the public as none of the currently announced candidates are held in high esteem by the justices. Rudy Giuliani is seen as not being sufficiently anti-choice although Clarence Thomas did say that the former mayor of New York is better looking than Ann Coulter when dressed in drag and that he wouldn't toss him out of bed on a lonely night. For his part, John McCain is considered by the justices to be a politician without any core principles who couldn't even sell manure to barn full of hungry flies. And, it is a strongly held view that Mitt Romney simply can't be trusted because he doesn't believe in the same Jesus as the five most conservative members of the court.

Of course, all of the Democratic candidates are out of the question as the majority of the court has already made it clear in their Bush versus Gore decision that America is a Republican nation that relies on the literal interpretation of biblical law for guidance. As Justice Antonin Scalia is found of saying, "When I speak of the concept of Original Intent, I do not refer to the original intent of the Founding Fathers but rather the original intent of God as written in the Bible and interpreted by us five holy men in robes."

So, don't be shocked, when early next week, Justices Roberts, Scalia, Alito, Thomas and Kennedy select their favorite Republican, Dick Cheney, as the next President of the United States. In following recent precedent, Cheney will take the oath of office after the next presidential election but before all of the votes are counted