Justice Department Seeks Pardon From Bush

Washington, D.C. - The Justice Department today officially asked President Bush for a full and complete pardon for all criminal actions it has committed since the beginning of the Bush administration. The request covers Attorney General Alberto Gonzales and his entire staff as well as all current US Attorneys. No specific crimes are cited. However, a long list of possible violations are mentioned which include obstruction of justice, perjury, violation of civil rights, violation of several voting rights acts, fraud, battery, and murder in the first, second and third degree.

This request for a blanket pardon covering an entire department and not an individual has never before taken place and critics have questioned its constitutionality. However, an opinion in support of the pardon submitted by Attorney General Gonzales and a team that included the best legal minds at Regent University stated that the pardon request covering hundreds of employees at the Justice Department was completely within the law. As a legal basis for this opinion they quoted John 16:24 from the New Testament which says "Ask and you will receive, and your joy will be complete." Gonzales also stated that the employment of 150 Regent University graduates in the Justice Department had no influence on their opinion.

In an unrelated story, reports are coming in from the Regent University campus in Virginia Beach, Virginia, that the water in the creek that runs through the university has turned blood red, frogs are clogging the roadways, vast swarms of gnats have blocked the sun, and festering boils are appearing on the students and faculty of Regent University at an alarming rate. No explanation for these strange occurrences has been given.