Newspapers Go To Forever News Format

New York, New York - The American Association of Newspaper Editors announced today that all daily newspapers will soon follow a forever news format. "The US Postal Service is going to a 'forever' stamp that will be good forever, even if the price goes up years from now," said "Stet" Tucker, president of the association. "We felt a similar idea could be used in the print media to bolster current sales and give the industry a much-need infusion of ready capital."

A forever news daily paper would cost more, but this increased cost would be offset by the consumer rereading the same issue on a daily basis. "I feel that we, as print professionals, can distill our daily coverage into a durable, standardized product," explained Mr. Tucker. “It’s just a matter of using sturdier paper stock and indelible ink.”

Under the new forever guidelines national coverage will consist of the ever-widening administration scandal, multimillion military cost overruns, continuing calls for increased Congressional bipartisanship, and a feature article with photos on the plight of the nation's poor. International forever news will concentrate on conflict in the Middle East, the economic growth of Asia, European attitudes towards the pervasiveness of American pop culture, and starvation in Africa.

Forever weather news will have a few lines about the cold snap in southern California, the unseasonably warm temperatures in Minnesota, and the hurricane forming offshore in the Gulf Coast. There will be a photo of an adorable three-year old in San Diego wearing mittens while looking wide-eyed at an icicle, a photo of an adorable three year old in St. Cloud wearing a swimsuit while happily running through a lawn sprinkler, and a weather map showing heavy rains headed towards Florida.

In the forever sports section, a football player is accused of rape, a baseball player admits to using drugs, and the Knicks still stink. There is a photo of Tiger Woods. Forever comics will include “Nancy,” a strip that has existed since the invention of papyrus and in all that time still hasn’t figured out how to be funny. The forever advice column will consist of “Heartbroken” being reminded that honesty is important in any relationship, and “Outraged” being told that in-laws are a fact of married life so deal with it. And, of course, the celebrity section will feature the many on and off again relationships of Brad Pitt.

For the opinion columns, the conservatives will bemoan the lack of patriotism and family values. The liberal columnists will fume about being called unpatriotic and explain that families are not all the same. All columnists of all political persuasions will contribute a column about the first petals of Spring and/or the opening of the baseball season in which each columnist dwells briefly on the deeper, mystical cycle of life while recalling a vanished America that never existed outside of Norman Rockwell paintings.

The forever editorial page will call for much-needed bipartisanship (see “national news”). The forever Letters to the Editor will have two letters criticizing the president, two letters supporting the president, and one letter complaining that people don’t return their shopping carts to the correct place in the parking lot, and that this laziness and lack of civic responsibility creates dangerous driving conditions that the letter writer experienced on a personal basis just this past Thursday.

Forever local news will vary by newspaper but the concept will remain the same. The Miami Herald will have an interview with community leaders discussing Cuba. The Cincinnati Enquirer will have a photo retrospective on Pete Rose. The Boston Globe will highlight state office political shenanigans. The San Francisco Chronicle will devote a page to housing in the Bay Area. Each newspaper will have a photograph of somebody presenting somebody else with a plaque, while other people look on. There will be a banquet table in the background.

"I guarantee that if you were to read a 'regular' newspaper and then read a 'forever' newspaper, you'd never know the difference," said Mr. Tucker. "We are fully confident that reading the same stories every day in the forever news will keep you just as informed as you've always been."

Written for Assimilated Press by roving reporter pinko