Big Brother Thinks Those Pants Make You Look Fat

London, England - British Home Secretary John Reid announced that "talking" closed circuit television cameras soon will be installed across England. While over 4 million cameras are already in England, posted at every major intersection and every few kilometers along larger highways, the currently existing cameras only silently record license plates and the identities of passersby.

New cameras will be equipped with loudspeakers. These talking cameras will allow operators to reprimand instantly, and very publicly, those violating the Blair government's new "respect agenda." The respect agenda is meant to deter littering, vandalism and anti-social behavior.

Secretary Reid's office has been interviewing potential operators for the new interactive audiovisual surveillance system.

"Obviously," said Secretary Reid, "one looks for an operator with a sense of respect for the public. Someone shouting 'Oi, fatso! Get your bloody mitts off the shrubbery!' simply will not do. We are in need of operators with a measure of decorum, a firm grasp of civic virtue, and a good eye for acceptable behavior and appropriate attire."

Bureaucrats have devised helpful phrases to be used by the operators when issuing these public reprimands. Examples of government-approved reprimands are: "Pick that up! Were you born in a barn?", "No, no, luv, mustn't touch", "Naughty, naughty!", and "I can't believe you are wearing that ridiculous outfit. You look like a clown on crack."

In the United States, former Attorney General John Ashcroft has expressed interest in the British interactive monitoring cameras. Mr. Ashcroft is rumored to be in negotiations with the State Department, the Department of Justice, the Bureau of Land Management and the American Hospital Association to provide similar equipment for widespread American use.

Written for Assimilated Press by roving reporter pinko