Jerry Falwell Meets His Maker

Pearly Gates, Heaven - The Rev. Jerry Falwell died May 15. Shortly after death Rev. Falwell was received into Heaven. While an influential figure in both religious and political circles, Rev. Falwell was most famous in life for a comment made shortly after the terrorist attacks of September 11, 2001.

Rev. Falwell, on television discussing the 9/11 attacks with the Rev. Pat Robertson, stated, "I really believe that the pagans and the abortionists and the feminists and the gays and the lesbians, who are actively trying to make that an alternative lifestyle, the ACLU, People for the American Way, all of them who try to secularize America, I point the finger in their face and say 'You helped this happen.' "

Later, Rev. Falwell said he was just kidding.

Shortly after arriving in Heaven, Rev. Falwell was met by Dr. Elizabeth Blackwell the first female American doctor. Dr. Blackwell was joined in greeting Rev. Falwell by Sojourner Truth, the courageous abolitionist who also wrote and delivered the suffragette keynote address "Ain't I a Woman?" Also attending was Abigail Adams, wife and mother of presidents, who urged that voting rights and equality for women be added to the Constitution.

After these heavenly hosts had their time with Rev. Falwell, he was then greeted by Leonardo da Vinci, his partner Alexander the Great, Horatio Alger, Jr and his partner Hans Christian Andersen. They were joined by actress Marlene Dietrich, her partner Congressional Representative Barbara Jordan who so eloquently spoke during the Watergate hearings, first lady Eleanor Roosevelt and her partner the poet Sappho.

There was a brief interlude in the welcoming ceremonies while Rev. Falwell tried to hide behind a harp and improvise a tourniquet.

Finally, Rev. Falwell had his audience with the Almighty. Although the meeting itself was cordial, according to celestial insiders, Zeus was not pleased.

Written for Assimilated Press by roving reporter pinko