Wednesday, May 16, 2007

Alberto Gonzales Regains Memory

Bethesda Naval Hospital, Maryland - Attorney General Alberto Gonzales had a spontaneous recovery of memory today that his doctors term "miraculous." Dr. M. Ostrowsky, Chief of Neurology at the hospital, was cleared by the Attorney General's family and the Department of Justice to speak to the press.

In a prepared statement Dr. Ostrowsky said, "As we are all aware after watching two recent sessions of testimony before Congress, the Attorney General was suffering from a rare form of amnesia. This rare amnesia prevented him from remembering anything substantiative about the firing of any U.S. Attorneys, except for the assertion that whatever the reason the attorneys were fired for was reasonable and justified. This rare condition, 'amnesia felonious', cast a fog over his recollection of overall events but allowed Mr. Gonzales to remember in specific that the White House had absolutely, positively, incontrovertibly nothing to do with any firings of any attorneys at any step in the process at any time."

Asked to explain the mechanism of the Attorney General's recovery, Dr. Ostrowky admitted medical science was baffled. "Here we have a man who remembers close to nothing of significant events, even after repeated prompting and presentation of evidence. Nothing rang a bell. Then, one day, his Deputy Attorney General resigns, that's Mr. Paul McNulty, I believe. While we're not sure exactly what happened we theorize that the shock of Mr. McNulty's resignation was so overwhelming for Attorney General Gonzales that this cut through his mental fog and jolted his memory for a spontaneous recovery."

Amnesia felonious, while a rare condition among the general population, occasionally shows up in "clusters." Statistically significant clusters of amnesia felonious have been recently noted in the District of Columbia, Halliburton corporate offices and San Quentin. The Center for Disease Control in Atlanta emphasizes there is little chance of infection with amnesia felonious if one keeps away from government buildings, energy industry meetings and liquor store cash registers that don't belong to you.

Asked about the Attorney General's current status, Dr. Ostrowsky said, "Mr. Gonzales is resting comfortably and his family is at his side. He is aware of who he is, where he is, what day it is, and that anything that ever went wrong at the Department of Justice was all Mr. McNulty's fault."

Written for Assimilated Press by roving reporter pinko


Anonymous Erika said...

Gonzales forgot America has/used to have a constitution.

11:38 AM  

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