DNA Tests Confirm Senator Lieberman Is A Pod Person

Washington, D.C. - Using a toe nail clipping secretly removed from Senator Joe Lieberman while he slept, scientists at MIT were able to conduct a full range of tests and a thorough analysis of Lieberman's genetic makeup. What they found was both shocking and deeply disturbing. Senator Joe Lieberman is not from Connecticut. He is not an American. And, most shocking of all, he is not even a human being but a pod person of alien origin.

As far as can be determined through a comprehensive study of the available evidence, the real Joe Lieberman was replaced by a pod planted by political operative Karl Rove during the 2000 election when Lieberman was running as the Democratic vice presidential candidate. Though Karl Rove has denied this, witnesses place Rove and Lieberman at the Holiday Inn in Tempe on the same weekend when it is thought that the pod was planted.

As word of Lieberman's extraterrestrial nature spread throughout Washington, many of the senator's colleagues commented off the record that they weren't surprised and that it is the only practical explanation for his bizarre and irrational behavior over the last eight years. When questioned whether this would effect his chairmanship of the Senate Committee on Homeland Security and Governmental Affairs, Majority Leader Harry Reid said, "Of course not. Joe is my friend and even though he may not be a Democrat or even a human being, I don't see how that is a hurdle to his continuing as chairman."

Scientists at MIT are continuing to run tests on a variety of other public figures and, off the record, have told Assimilated Press that preliminary samples have shown that President Bush, Vice President Cheney, Supreme Court justices Roberts, Scalia, Thomas, Alito and Kennedy, as well as media personalities Tim Russert, Brian Williams, Terry Moran, David Broder along with practically the entire White House press corps have all the primary indicators that confirm they are pod people.

Assimilated Press will continue to report on this story as more information becomes available.