Bush Orders NASA To Mine Cheese From Moon
Washington, D.C. - Hoping to bolster his legacy as a visionary leader, President George W. Bush today announced a major new initiative in space exploitation. Surrounded by Vice President Dick Cheney and NASA Administrator Michael Griffin, Bush said that NASA's new mission would be to extract cheese from the moon and transport it back to the United States.
Framing this as a national security issue, Bush said "It is important that we close the cheese gap with Europe. Right now, there is an imbalance. Countries like France and Holland possess far greater stockpiles than we do in the United States. This is an intolerable situation. America should be self-sufficient and not have to rely on the Dutch for cheese."
When reporters asked the president if he really believed that the moon was made of cheese, Bush said that he has been assured by Dick Cheney and the CIA that the moon is indeed made of cheese. In fact, he said a top secret document given to him by the White House Moon Group stated that the moon is 45 percent Gouda, 35 percent cheddar, 10 percent Monterey Jack, and 5 percent rock which is mostly scattered on the surface.
NASA Administrator Michael Griffin, a Bush appointee, said he did have some doubts about the scientific basis behind the belief that the moon was made of cheese but that Vice President Cheney had successfully convinced him that when God created the moon on the fourth day as described in the book of Genesis he used cheese as his building material.
Assimilated Press has learned that planning for the mission has already advanced beyond the initial stages. Halliburton has been given a no-bid multi-billion dollar contract to construct mining facilities on the moon and once basic living quarters are built, hundreds of enemy combatants and other undesirables will be transported from American prisons and holding facilities to work as cheese miners in the rugged lunar terrain.
Though there will be a substantial outlay of two trillion dollars in the first five years of this endeavor, President Bush has assured the nation that the mission will eventually pay for itself as the cheese deficit turns into a cheese surplus.