Friday, April 27, 2007

Bush Saves Puppy By Stopping Runaway Truck With Bare Hands

Washington, D.C. - In a story that is sure to boost his sagging political fortunes and rock bottom poll numbers, White House press secretary Dana Perino today released news of the President's heroic actions earlier this morning that averted a heart-wrenching tragedy on the streets of the Capital.

Confirming reports that were first brought to the attention of the public by Fox News and the Washington Post, Perino informed the assembled press corps that "while the President was jogging this morning he noticed a little brown and white puppy dog stuck in the middle of Pennsylvania Avenue. Because the President is a kind man who loves puppies and small children he went to help the little fella but as he got closer he saw that an out-of-control truck was quickly heading toward the hapless canine. Reacting decisively and with the courage we have all come to expect of the President, he jumped in front of the truck and with his tremendous power was able to bring it to a complete stop just inches from the harmless and adorable puppy."

Media reaction to the story was swift. Brit Hume of Fox News declared that "With this simple act of bravery the President has won back the American people."

Terry Moran of ABC said, "People love puppies and they love people who save puppies even more. This is a glorious day for President Bush and the United States of America."

David Broder of the Washington Post remarked, "Tonight, one little puppy is safe and an entire nation rejoices. Thank you, President Bush."

Also weighing in was Chris Matthews of MSNBC who said "This act of courage and strength by President Bush is reminiscent of the time he swam across the Yangtze River."

In a statement released later in the day, the White House said that the little puppy has been named Victory and would soon be sent to Iraq where he would serve as a mascot in the Green Zone.

2 Comments:

Anonymous Rance Fazzo said...

OMG, I forgot all about when the he swam the Yangtze! With so much MSM spin, it's easy to forget the heroics
performed by president Bush. His hokey blokey Aw-Sheeit-T'warn't-Nuthin' Texas-born humility which is legendary in parlors across America doesn't help much, either. Folks think he is real cornpone when in fact he is America's greatest, most exhilarating asset.

Thank you Assimilated Press for holding our faces to the fire and forcing us to study on how great President Bush really is and always will be.

And God Bless General Petraeus.

6:01 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

[laugh] Bush is NOT Texas-born unless you consider Connecticut extreme East Texas. He's Yankee born, bred, and educated although 'educated' is a bit of a stretch. He went to Texas on the coattails of his Yankee daddy to reap big profits in oil. That 'aw shucks' cornpone crap is just that... along with just about everything wlse that comes out of his mouth and brain.

11:07 PM  

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