Bush Prevented From Leaving Iraq

Anbar Province, Iraq - In a surprise visit at the end of the Labor Day weekend, President Bush, Secretary of Defense Robert Gates and Secretary of State Condoleeza Rice flew to Al-Asad airbase in Iraq's Anbar Province. While at the airbase the President met with several generals and field commanders. Later, the President travelled to a second location where he met privately with Iraq's Prime Minister Al-Maliki.

When the President returned to Al-Asad Airbase for his flight home he was informed that due to stop-loss orders preventing military personnel from leaving their units, he would have to remain in Iraq for an additional 90 days. The President replied that he is not in the military, he is a civilian and he should be going home.

The National Guard base commander was not sympathetic. "I'm a parts manager for a Toyota dealership in Cincinnati. I signed up for the fucking NATional Guard, not the fucking INTERnational Guard, asshole. But the stop-loss applies to me. I can't go home, and when I do go home I get called up and sent right back. You say you're Commander in Chief of the whole goddamn military and prance around on battleships dressed like Top Gun. I figure if the stop-loss order applies to me, it certainly applies to you, fly-boy. So suck it up and stop feeling so fucking special."

The President's Secret Service detail attempted to fight their way to the President's plane to get the President aboard. Vastly outnumbered and facing superior fire power from the National Guard, the Secret Service surrendered. Under the terms of the surrender, all surviving Secret Service agents, Secretary Gates and Secretary Rice were allowed to board Air Force One and take off for home.

President Bush remains on active duty at the airbase. He has been assigned to IED patrol in a volatile section of the province. The base commander assured President Bush that when the unit receives the armored Humvees it was promised in 2006 the President will be re-assigned to a newer vehicle.

Written for Assimilated Press by roving reporter pinko