Stay Tuned!

Improvements to Assimilated Press coming soon!

Clinton, Obama Hire Whirling Dervishes

San Francisco, California - Immediately after tallying the delegates won during the Super Tuesday, mega-primaries, both the campaigns of Senators Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama announced separately today they had each hired a whirling dervish as a consultant. Whirling dervishes, noted for their ability to twirl for hours in one spot without stopping or getting dizzy, are thought to bring vast expertise and experience to the art of the spin.

“We need someone who can put forth the idea that although Sen. Clinton won a smaller number of overall states, the states she did win were huge and muscular. Those few great big states are better than all those itty-bitty teensy-tiny wimpy little states put together,” said a spokesman for the Clinton campaign. Sen. Barack Obama, speaking of his decision to hire a consulting whirling dervish, said, “We have more states, even if they are smaller states. We need to get the message out that more is more and size doesn’t matter.”

In a related story, Republican Mitt Romney, in a last ditch attempt to keep his campaign hopes alive, was rumored to be speaking with spin consultants from The Gyroscope Corporation but alas, even the Gyroscope Corporation couldn't keep Mitt's hopes alive.

Written for Assimilated Press by roving reporter pinko

Tax Cuts Cure Cancer

Washington, D.C. - Data was released yesterday by researchers at Regent University claiming tax cuts cure cancer. Professor O'Reilly Limbaugh Smith, holder of the Jerry Falwell Chair in Evolutionary Mythology, said "We knew tax cuts were powerful, but even we didn't know they were this good."

Tax cuts, long considered an alternative to traditional measures, have enjoyed wider acceptance in mainstream practice in the past few years. Tax cuts are now used routinely in areas where, in the past, using tax cuts would have been considered far too risky.

For proponents of tax cut use, the increasing application of tax cuts to the ills of society only confirms what they have believed for years. Marcia Funebre, author of the book, 365 Ways to Use Tax Cuts! said "I'm happy tax cuts are finally getting the recognition they deserve. Tax cuts are good for everything. For example, most people wouldn't dream of using tax cuts if they had war. But, they would be wrong because tax cuts would fix that war right up! And, don't forget about tax cuts later on when you need to get those pesky bloodstains out of the budget."

Ms. Funebre continued in her praise of tax cuts by saying, "I'm not at all surprised to find out tax cuts cure cancer. I knew tax cuts could cure what ails you. I always tell people that if I were stranded on a desert island, as long as I had an adequate supply of tax cuts, I'd be just fine."

Written for Assimilated Press by roving reporter pinko

Today's Daily Quiz: February 4, 2008

This qualifies as one of those "truth is stranger than fiction" moments. The new head of the Louisiana Recovery Authority is (wait for it, wait for it) - Paul Rainwater.

What would be some other apt, interesting (and clean) names for governmental officials? (Judge Lynch? Sheriff Lawless?)

Today's DQ courtesy of pinko

Click here to see the previous Daily Quiz with answers

A Vote For Me Is A Vote For Change

Citizens of Cyberland, my good friends, I've come here tonight to ask you to vote for me, because a vote for me is a vote for change. Vote for me and together we can make that change happen.

On a personal note, I just want to share with you my commitment to change. For example, when driving my fuel-efficient hybrid car made out of 100% post-consumer use recycled toilet paper I always, and I mean always, change lanes. When taking public transportation often I change buses. When I watch t.v. I constantly change channels.

At home we've tried to teach our children the importance of change and I am very proud to say they now change their underwear on a routine basis. When they want money they don't ask for stock options, instead they say "Oh, please, can't we just have some change?"

Tonight I've had the pleasure of meeting many of you. I've heard you, I've listened, and I know how very much you want change; that's why tonight I am rededicating my campaign to repeating the word "change" at every opportunity.

This then is my promise to you: vote for me and everything you want changed will be changed. Our foes will change into friends. Mexico will change into Canada. The deficit will change into surplus right after we change straw into gold. Vote for me and together we'll change the law of gravity so that each and every American is able to fly.

And, friends, I know that voting for me is the right thing to do because Jesus is in my prayers. Jesus is in my heart, and Jesus is in my bones and in my blood and in my parathyroid gland.

Thank you. God bless.

Written for Assimilated Press by roving reporter pinko

Why I Don't Know Who To Vote For On February 5th

I need your help; I don't know who to vote for on February 5th. Okay, I'm not talking about should I vote for a Republican or vote for a Democrat, I'm talking about should I vote for Hillary or should I vote for Obama?

My feeling is that the next president should be a strong administrator. We need someone who can undo, as best possible, the damage done to our system of government. Yes, of course I'm concerned about the war in Iraq, and yes, of course I'm concerned about the economy, Afghanistan, global warming, healthcare, education, poverty, national defense and personal freedom, as well as an array of other issues. However, to me, as incredibly important as all those issues are, they are not as important as preserving what's left of our system of government and restoring our democracy. To me, if we don't get back our democracy, anything else is a temporary victory, winning the battle but losing the war.

Logically then, I should choose the person I think will be the best administrator. Of the two remaining choices available, I think Hillary would be a better administrator than Obama. She has a better organization, she has a better chance of forming a good cabinet of experienced, known and acceptable people, and it's a pretty safe bet that the majority of her cabinet would have a personal interest in restoring their prior legacy. And considering she knows better than anyone all about the vast, right-wing conspiracy I would trust Hillary to do her best to root out all the non-political appointee career position "sleepers" who are now salted through government departments.

Well, that's simple then; I'll vote for Hillary. Except.....except that it doesn't matter how good an administrator she might be if she can't win the White House. So, okay, then I'll vote for Obama.

Obama has a more positive image and he won't elicit the same frothing at the mouth that happens at the mere mention of the name "Clinton." Except....except to me, Obama's a blank screen and I keep getting the feeling that his supporters are projecting onto him what they want to see rather than looking at what's really there, which as far as I can tell isn't all that much.

In my job (my day job, which pays the rent) I interview a lot of people. After the interview I fill out a form to rate the candidate. The form has rating columns ranging from "Very strongly displays skill or attribute is present" to "Very strongly displays skill or attribute is not present." Over on the side of the form is a separate column; this column is "Insufficient evidence to determine." The more I "interview" Obama, the more I keep running into "Insufficient evidence to determine."

Okay, well that's easy - do not vote for Obama. That leaves Hillary, so I'll vote for her. Except...... except will Obama be more appealing to those people who would also consider voting for someone like McCain? Would Obama pull in the undecided or on the fence votes? Would Obama even pull in disaffected Republican votes, something Hillary definitely will not be able to do?

But, suppose Obama does pull in those votes, but then he doesn't clean up the mess as effectively as Hillary could have? Then I'm left with the fleeting victory and the long-term defeat. If I vote for Obama am I voting for him because a lot of other people think "hope" is something more than "wishful thinking" in a fancy wrapper? If I vote for Obama am I voting for a speech and a smile? If I vote for Obama am I creating a self-fulfilling prophesy, thinking that I had better vote for Obama because other people won't vote for Hillary, without knowing if my voting for Obama feeds into that very perception? If I do not vote for Hillary even though I think she'd be better in what I consider the job's core competency, is it simply because I'm trying to second-guess what other people think about Obama? Except......except......

I'm open to reasoned argument. My vote is up for grabs so, please, let me hear from you. I really don't know who to vote for on February 5th.

Written for Assimilated Press by roving reporter pinko