Sunday, August 17, 2008

McCain: "The Russians Are Burning Atlanta, Georgia"

Pueblo, Colorado - Today, in a hotly worded statement, Senator John McCain said that "We are all Georgians now and we must do all we can to stop the Russians from burning and pillaging Atlanta, Georgia."

McCain then went on to say that, "Not since the War of Northern Aggression have we seen such savagery and destruction on a Southern city from barbarian invaders. My friends, I assure you that we will take back Atlanta from the Russians and chase them completely out of Georgia."

Intent on keeping his promise to restore sovereignty to the city of Atlanta and the state of Georgia, McCain announced that he was sending two envoys to the troubled region, Senators Joe Lieberman and Lindsay Graham, so that they could report back to him and keep him informed on the status of the Russian invasion of the great peach state. Also, in an effort to boost his foreign policy credentials and status as a leader, McCain assured his comrades in the Washington press corps that he had been talking with the leader of Georgia, Governor Sonny Perdue, on a daily basis.

Reaction from the major news outlets has been swift and supportive of Senator McCain.

Cokie Roberts of ABC News said, "McCain is a real American who we can count on to defend our way of life from exotic outsiders. That's why I am voting for him."

David Broder of the Washington Post said, "There is only one man who can kick the Russians out of Atlanta, Georgia and that man is John McCain."

And, Chris Matthews of MSNBC said, "I love it! I love it! That's the John McCain I know. That's why I have a picture of the senator on my bedroom wall. He makes me feel secure and warm all over. Man, when he talks that way I feel all tingly."

When told of McCain's comments, Russian Prime Minister Vladimir Putin looked puzzled and then laughed while saying, "You Americans are so funny."


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