August 25: The Week In Review

DEMOCRATS NOMINATE BLACK MAN FOR PRESIDENT** REPUBLICANS NOMINATE WHITE WOMAN FOR VEEP**GREEN PARTY RECYCLES, NOMINATES CARTER/GORE

NEW ORLEANS CELEBRATES THIRD ANNIVERSARY OF KATRINA BY HOSTING "HURRICANE REUNION TOUR" WITH GUSTAV AS OPENING ACT

RUSSIA OFFICIALLY RECOGNIZES SOUTH OSSETIA; COLD WAR TO RERUN ON FALL PRIME TIME SCHEDULES

SUMMER DRAWS TO CLOSE AS CHRISTMAS CATALOGS MIGRATE TO MAILBOXES

I Believe; Help Thou My Unbelief

I want to believe every single word Barack Obama said tonight. I want to believe that America's wounds will heal, that we'll regain our moral standing, that our economy will grow strong, that our children will be well-educated.

I want to believe that people across all spectrums of political thought will put aside their differences. For example, I want to believe that while as Americans we may differ on gay marriage we can all agree that no one should be prevented from visiting a loved one in the hospital: that while we may differ on abortion we can all agree on preventing unwanted teen pregnancies; that the gun owner in rural Ohio and the resident of urban Cleveland can both agree about keeping AK-47's out of criminals' hands.

I want to believe all of this; help me with my unbelief.

Help me to believe that America can once again claim the moral high ground, that America can once again be the last, best hope. Help me to believe that when we have authorized torture and unending detention for those neither innocent nor guilty but in perpetual limbo we can now wipe away the past eight years as if they'd never happened; help me to believe you can unring a bell.

Help me to believe that the sleeper cells, the embedded members of the DOJ and the EPA and the FDA, will deactivate themselves. Help me to believe that a change in administration can undo a putsch, this takeover from within whereby the Civil Rights division now works to disenfranchise voters and the Department of Education promotes "intelligent design" and our Forest Service strives to open public lands for taxpayer-subsidized corporate exploitation.

Help me to believe that those who tried to drown government in the bathtub will suddenly jump in to save it, that they'll perform CPR.

There is no going back, there is only forward. Obama's words were good ones and I heard them with tears in my eyes, the roar in my ears, jumping from my chair shouting "Yes! Yes! Yes!"

I want so very, very much to believe; help me with my unbelief.

A Summary of Today's Headlines

IRAQ SURGE WORKING; CASUALTY RATES LOWER FROM UNBELIEVABLE TO UNACCEPTABLE

OLYMPIC GAMES CLOSE; USA TAKES FINAL GOLD MEDAL AS DOLLAR WINS RACE TO BOTTOM OF INTERNATIONAL MONETARY EXCHANGE RATES

NATION IN SUSPENSE AS DEMOCRATS PREPARE TO SELECT PRESIDENTIAL NOMINEE

"WE WANT PEACE" SAYS PUTIN AS RUSSIAN TROOPS RETREAT WEST TOWARDS EUROPE

ENTIRE BUSH ADMINISTRATION HAPPENED IN DREAM WHILE BILL CLINTON IN SHOWER

Endangered Species To Solve Energy Crisis

Washington, DC

Seizing on the recent proposed revisions to the Endangered Species Act
presumptive presidential nominee Sen. John McCain (R-AZ) today unveiled a
new and ambitious energy plan.

"Prices at the pump are just outrageous but the Democrats will tell you
that we can't do anything about it. Democrats will tell you we have an oil
shortage and that there is an energy crisis, "said Sen. McCain. "My friends,
fossil fuels are made from fossils. We don't have an oil shortage, we have a
fossil shortage. We need to make more fossils. We need to take all these
so-called endangered species and get some use out of them. Let's turn them
into fossils. We need to approve these minor little revisions to the
Endangered Species Act immediately. Burying those animals will lower gas
prices by tomorrow morning. Dig here! Dig now!"

The proposed revisions to the Endangered Species Act mentioned by Sen.
McCain would, for the first time ever, give federal agencies authority to
make decisions affecting endangered species without needing to consult
scientific experts. For example, if chickens were an endangered species and
there were a federal agency of foxes, this same agency would evaluate
whether they, as foxes, felt there was any need for henhouse protection; if
the agency foxes decided there was no appreciable danger to hens, the agency
would then proceed with its plans without need for outside input.

The Bush Administration evidently not only sees no problem with this, but
their eleventh hour "minor revision" to the Act also breaks new ground in
having an unprecedentedly short 30-day window for public comment. The
administration refuses to accept e-mail comments on the proposed revision or
to hold any public hearing on the matter. The Administration will accept
comments through snail mail (no doubt to demonstrate their abiding
commitment to the health and safety of the endangered snail darter).

Another way to comment on the proposed revisions is on a special government
website. Under Public Availability of Comments
http://www.nmfs.noaa.gov/pr/pdfs/fr/fr73-47868.pdf it is stated that the
commentator's personal information (such as name, address, phone number and
e-mail address) may be made "publicly available at any time," and that while
the citizen can ask, in the comment itself, that this personal information
be withheld from public view, "we cannot guarantee that we will be able to
do this."

"In other words, even though your home-town newspaper can deal with 'Name
Withheld By Request,' and a mail-order company run from someone's dining
room table provides certain privacy safeguards, such measures are way beyond
the capabilities of the U.S. Government. Besides, the Bush Administration
feels it is a good thing if people worry that their personal info might be
put on the Internet if they comment on these revisions. From where we sit,
it's the very best way to promote our kind of democracy," said an
unidentified senior administration spokesman.

McCain: "The Russians Are Burning Atlanta, Georgia"

Pueblo, Colorado - Today, in a hotly worded statement, Senator John McCain said that "We are all Georgians now and we must do all we can to stop the Russians from burning and pillaging Atlanta, Georgia."

McCain then went on to say that, "Not since the War of Northern Aggression have we seen such savagery and destruction on a Southern city from barbarian invaders. My friends, I assure you that we will take back Atlanta from the Russians and chase them completely out of Georgia."

Intent on keeping his promise to restore sovereignty to the city of Atlanta and the state of Georgia, McCain announced that he was sending two envoys to the troubled region, Senators Joe Lieberman and Lindsay Graham, so that they could report back to him and keep him informed on the status of the Russian invasion of the great peach state. Also, in an effort to boost his foreign policy credentials and status as a leader, McCain assured his comrades in the Washington press corps that he had been talking with the leader of Georgia, Governor Sonny Perdue, on a daily basis.

Reaction from the major news outlets has been swift and supportive of Senator McCain.

Cokie Roberts of ABC News said, "McCain is a real American who we can count on to defend our way of life from exotic outsiders. That's why I am voting for him."

David Broder of the Washington Post said, "There is only one man who can kick the Russians out of Atlanta, Georgia and that man is John McCain."

And, Chris Matthews of MSNBC said, "I love it! I love it! That's the John McCain I know. That's why I have a picture of the senator on my bedroom wall. He makes me feel secure and warm all over. Man, when he talks that way I feel all tingly."

When told of McCain's comments, Russian Prime Minister Vladimir Putin looked puzzled and then laughed while saying, "You Americans are so funny."

Knock, Knock, Not

Because of recent events such as this one, Assimilated Press is republishing this set of helpful guidelines from June 16, 2006

Instructions on how to act when the police crash unannounced through your door at midnight as newly authorized by the US Supreme Court.

Don't panic. Don't run. Don't make any sudden moves. Don't look the authorities directly in the eyes. Make sure your papers are in order. Speak only when spoken to and in a respectful manner. Always end every sentence with "sir." Apologize even if you did nothing wrong. Have your entire family recite The Pledge of Allegiance without missing a word and in perfect harmony. Make sure your American flag is prominently displayed in the living room. Do not have any books, videos or CDs by known subversives such as Michael Moore, Albert Gore, The Dixie Chicks, George Clooney, Kurt Vonnegut, William Shakespeare, etc., etc. Calmly tell the authorities that you support George W. Bush, that you believe in a Christian God, that you think homosexuality is an abomination and should be outlawed along with the Democratic Party.

If you do everything on this list your chances of being tortured and held without charges will be dramatically reduced. If you do not follow these instructions prepare for a long stay at your nearest Haliburton Resort & Spa.