Thursday, November 27, 2008

Chloe The Clever Turkey Outwits President Bush

Publisher's note: In honor of Thanksgiving we are republishing the heartwarming story of President George W. Bush and Chloe The Clever Turkey. Enjoy!

Washington, D.C. - In the annals of history there have been great epic contests between the giants of the world stage. There was Alexander and Darius III, Napoleon and Wellington, Grant and Lee, Ali and Fraser, the Celtics and the Lakers, and now added to their ranks is the story of President Bush and Chloe the Turkey.

At first, it seemed an obvious mismatch. After all, how could a flightless bird with a brain the size of a pea compete with the President of the world's mightiest nation. Still, it is these events, where one of the participants comes in as a heavy underdog, that legends are made, and so it is with Chloe the Turkey.

It all began on the day of the traditional White House Thanksgiving ceremony where every year a turkey is saved from an early death by a presidential pardon. However, what isn't commonly known is that there are two turkeys sent to the White House before the ceremony, one to be pardoned and one to be eaten. On this day the two turkeys sent were named Gertrude and Chloe. As fate would have it, Gertrude was selected to be saved while Chloe was selected to be served.

Then, on Thanksgiving morning, after the pardoning of Gertrude, President Bush did what he has done every year since he left home at the age of 42. He dressed up in his old National Guard uniform and prepared to personally slaughter the hapless turkey chosen for the Bush family dinner. As the president entered the kitchen carrying a shiny butcher knife, Chloe caught the glimmer of the sharp steel blade and instinctively knew that the end was close at hand unless decisive action was taken. Seizing the moment, Chloe slipped out of tethered rope keeping her captive and lunged at the startled president who turned and tried to escape from the brave turkey as she fought for her life. As President Bush ran from the kitchen and down the hallway, Chloe was in close pursuit and constantly pecked at his now bloody and raw backside.

Responding to the President's screams for help, secret service agents converged on the scene and began firing their weapons at the ferocious fowl causing White House visitors and employees to flee in panic. In the confusion that followed, Chloe spotted an open window and made her move. In two swift motions, she jumped onto a chair and then out of the window. Running as fast has any turkey has ever run before, Chloe headed towards the sun and was never seen again.

With the Bush family Thanksgiving dinner in jeopardy and no turkey to be found at this late date, Chef Jacques Blovel resorted to a drastic measure he had not used since his early days as a cook in a café in Marseilles. He butchered a stray cat found earlier in the day on the White House grounds and stuffed it with the President's favorite sausage dressing. Served with candied yams and healthy portions of mashed potatoes and gravy, the meal turned into a surprising success.

Said Barbara Bush, the President's mother and matriarch of the Bush clan, "Cat tastes better than I thought it would. I think next year we should try one deep fried."

And so ends the story of Chloe the Clever Turkey. The bravest and smartest turkey the world has ever seen.

Monday, November 24, 2008

Bill O'Reilly Renounces American Citizenship

New York, New York - Bill O'Reilly stunned his Fox News Channel audience today with an announcement that he would immediately renounce his American citizenship and move to Paraguay with his soul mate, conservative pundit Ann Coulter.

Saying he could not live in a country run by godless Democrats, O'Reilly pledged to retire from broadcasting so that he could devote all of his time to his true passions, growing loofahs and watching pornography involving sex with female employees in subordinate positions.

Executives at Fox News, in a cost cutting measure, decided to broadcast reruns of The O'Reilly Factor for the next 8 years after several focus groups confirmed what had been common knowledge in the industry, that Fox viewers were unable to tell the difference between new shows and those that were previously broadcast. The focus groups also showed that Fox viewers could not tell left from right, and that they did not know who is buried in Grant's Tomb.

Saturday, November 15, 2008

Sarah Palin Shoots Giraffe In Cincinnati Zoo

Cincinnati, Ohio - Today, while taking a break from an End of Times convention in Cincinnati, Governor Sarah Palin went for a short walk with her aides and ended up in the city zoo. Marveling at the variety of animals all around her, the Governor mistakenly thought she had accidentally stumbled into a hunters' paradise.

Taking advantage of the situation she quickly pulled her trusty 9mm Glock 17 out of her Hermès Birkin bag and shot dead the zoo's prize Reticulated Giraffe in front of a large group of horrified school children. Governor Palin then ordered her aides to cut off its head and ship it back to Alaska for her trophy room.

Remarking to reporters later in the day, Palin said, "I had no idea Ohio had such a wide variety of native species. I'm comin' back next week with Todd and were gonna get us some more funny looking creatures."

Thursday, November 13, 2008

Supreme Court Ponders "Gumby or Pokey?"

Pleasant Grove City, Utah – The Pokey Pals Society thought that their gift of a 40-foot Pokey statue for Pioneer Park would be welcomed by their neighbors in Pleasant Grove City; they were wrong.

“It was quite a surprise to us,” said Pokey Pals President Marcia Funebre. “Pioneer Park already has a 40-foot statue of Gumby. We thought that a Pokey would be a good addition.”

The case involves both mainstream Gumbyism and its established Church of The Imaginary Friend and the more exotic sect of Equusism (the worship of large rubber orange horses).

"This is clearly a matter of religious freedom and the Establishment Clause," said Tucker Yap, attorney for The Giddyup Group, a consortium of Equustrians. "Either all monuments to imaginary friends are accepted in a public park or none are. This city cannot chose to prefer one imaginary friend over another."

Attorneys for Pleasant Grove City have countered that the giant statue of Gumby in the public space represents the city's history and that it has no link to establishment of religion.

The Supreme Court heard the case Wednesday, and a verdict is expected by summer.

Satirists Mourn Passing of Palin Candidacy

New York – Columnists, stand-up comics and political cartoonists gathered today to mourn the passing of the McCain-Palin candidacy of 2008. Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin provided bountiful material to satirize from her gosh-darn speaking style to her television interviews, public statements and press conferences. Although Gov Palin still offers herself as a target, for example during the recent Republican Governor’s Convention it is just not the same as when she was clearly at the center of a national media-storm.

“It was like shooting fish in a barrel,” said a somber Andy Borowitz, “It was like getting paid to fall off a log, or to wake up in the morning. Now I’ll have to think up jokes about Obama’s ears.

“All I had to do was put my hair up,” said Tina Fey, a bit wistfully. “We didn’t write anything, we just took it straight from the [Katie] Couric interview. How sweet is that?”

Political cartoonists were subdued. Tom Toles noted that "Sarah Palin jokes were like taking a vacation." Don Asmussen agreed, "Palin jokes just worked on so many levels."

“Well,” replied Jon Stewart, “we’ll still have Biden.”

Monday, November 10, 2008

NRA Worried Obama Will Ban Backyard Nuclear Missile Silos

Denver – National Rifle Association spokesmen are worried that President-elect Obama will curb Second Amendment rights and ban backyard nuclear missile silos. Congressional House Rep. Paul Broun (Georgia-R) has deep fears that Senator Obama will turn the USA into a military dictatorship upon assuming the Presidency.

Rep. Broun said, “We’re Americans. It is our God-given right to kill things with large, phallic-shaped objects.”

Reagan Offers Obama Advice

Washington, DC - Former President Reagan offered his advice on the preparation needed for the Presidency today in a séance held at The Heritage Foundation by former Senator Rick Santorum.

Ronald Reagan, who died in 2004, was president from 1981-1989 and had a wealth of advice to offer President –elect Barack Obama, according to séance participants.

Obama, in his first news conference, took exception to consulting Reagan and made a point of saying he had consulted former presidents, stipulating “all of them that are living.”

When asked for a comment on Sen. Obama’s specific exclusion of dead presidents, Mr. Reagan replied, “Well, there you go again.”

Did Cheney Shred Dry Cleaning Tickets By Mistake?

Washington, DC – Beltway insiders are saying that the missing dry cleaning tickets needed to claim Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin’s clothing may have been shredded by Vice President Cheney in error.

“You know how it is when there’s a transition of administrations,” said a senior administration official who preferred to remain anonymous, “there’s so much shredding to be done and e-mails to be deleted and phone records destroyed and people to send to Antarctica. We think Dick just got a little carried away. He saw something that looked like documentation so naturally he wanted to get rid of it.”

The Vice President was not available for comment. The Vice President’s office released a statement to the press that said, in part, “Vice President Cheney is doing his best to tidy up so everything is nice and clean for Sen. Biden.”

RNC Loses Dry Cleaning Ticket For Palin's Clothes

Juneau – The Republican National Committee frantically searched today for the dry cleaning receipts for clothes worn by Alaska Governor Sarah Palin and her family. The clothes, bought by a wealthy Republican donor, were to be returned to the RNC for donation to charity. Governor Palin brought the clothes to A-1 Dry Cleaning located at 250 Ted Stevens Blvd, received the tickets for the clothing and gave the tickets to the RNC. However, the RNC misplaced the tickets and A-1 Dry Cleaning owner Tucker Yap refuses to release the clothes without the tickets.

“You can’t just waltz on in here and say ‘that’s my suit’,” said Mr. Yap, “I need some proof. No ticket, no clothes. I don’t know how they do it in fancy places, but that’s the way we do it here in Alaska.”

RNC members searched their wallets, the car and their hotel room. Hotel employees denied seeing the dry cleaning tickets. Marcia Funebre, of the RNC, said that other evidence would be supplied to A-1 Dry Cleaning to document ownership, but Mr. Yap was unmoved.

“You need the ticket,” Mr. Yap explained to Ms Funebre. “All you got here is a picture of Sarah Palin wearing a suit. As far as I’m concerned if she’s wearing it, it’s hers – do you wear other peoples’ clothes?”

The RNC insists that it will continue to search for the dry cleaning tickets.

Palin's Clothing Being Returned

Juneau – During the presidential campaign Alaska Governor Sarah Palin stated repeatedly that all clothing bought for herself and her family on a wealthy donors’ charge card belonged to the Republican Party. The clothing, worth over $150,000, is being returned to the RNC for other use.

Marcia Funebre, representing the RNC, said that certain items will be auctioned off on eBay with the proceeds going to the RNC’s favorite charity “Elect GOP 2012.” Those items of clothing that do not sell will be “put to good use.”

One person waiting to receive his share of the clothing is Joe the Plumber. “I never tried silk jockey shorts. You just never know, I might like them. Stranger things have happened, like folks in North Carolina voting for a black guy. And if I don’t like those silk shorts they’ll be good for cleaning the windshield or something.”

Sunday, November 09, 2008

Reid Places Lieberman On Permanent Probation

Washington, D.C. - Today, Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid announced that he would let Senator Joe Lieberman keep his chairmanship of the Homeland Security and Governmental Affairs Committee but that Lieberman would now be on permanent probation that would subject him to being removed from the prestigious committee chair at a moment's notice.

In a brief press conference Reid said, "The problem with Senator Lieberman is that he is disloyal, dishonest and completely untrustworthy. That said, we may need him from time to time to override a filibuster and quite frankly, that's is about all he is good for. So, I am going to let him keep his chairmanship of the Homeland Security and Governmental Affairs Committee for the moment, but if he goes against us and supports a Republican filibuster or if he uses his committee to harass President Obama, he will immediately be stripped of his chairmanship."

Senator Lieberman was said to be pleased with this decision by Reid but that he was still weighing his options and waiting for the Republican counter-offer.

Friday, November 07, 2008

Add This To Your "Favorites"

For the next 74 days add this site to your "Favorites" . It is the new website of the President-elect, set up 11/06.

The Obama campaign was digitally savvy, using everything from cellphones to networking sites to YouTube for their advantage in getting donations, reaching voters and getting out the vote.

We can expect that the communications from the new incoming administration will capitalize on that success.

Thursday, November 06, 2008

Joe the Plumber Holds Joe Camel and Joe Sixpack Hostage

Wasilla - Police responding to a domestic disturbance Wednesday night in downtown Wasilla Alaska discovered Joe the Plumber had barricaded himself in his new home and was holding Joe Camel and Joe Sixpack hostage.

According to former neighbor Average Joe in Ohio, Joe the Plumber, aka Samuel Joseph Wurzelbacher, had vowed to flee to Alaska if Ohio turned “blue” Tuesday night and the majority of state voters voted for Obama over the Republican slate.

“He was very upset Tuesday night,” said Average Joe, “He kept yelling something about ‘My 15 minutes of fame aren’t up yet! A black man was elected! It’s The End Times! Run to Alaska! Run! Run!”

Wasilla police spent 6 hours in tense negotiations with Joe the Plumber, finally securing the release of Joe Sixpack and Joe Camel only after Sean Hannity promised Joe the Plumber a guest spot on Fox television.

Per the police, Joe the Plumber indicated that he felt betrayed that both Joe Sixpack and Joe Camel had voted for Obama. A shaken Joe Sixpack told police, “Yeah, of course I voted for Obama. Just because I enjoy a beer doesn’t make me an idiot.” Joe Camel was treated at Wasilla General Hospital for minor injuries and released.

Monday, November 03, 2008

Republicans Are Afraid Of Voters

Get out and vote. Get your friends and neighbors to vote. Make the margin so large that it will be impossible to steal.

Saturday, November 01, 2008

Alaska Separates From U.S. & Makes Palin President

Juneau, Alaska - A large group a people from the Alaskan Independence Party surrounded the Alaska Capital Building with hundreds of snowmobiles this weekend and then seized control of the Alaska legislature in a predawn attack. Todd Palin, a leader of the Alaska Independence Party, then removed the American flag from the Capital Building and threw it in a dumpster before replacing it with the new flag of the independent country of Alaska showing a polar bear being shot from a helicopter.

Todd Palin then proclaimed that his wife, Sarah Palin, was no longer governor but was now President of Alaska. In accepting her ascendance to the leadership of the country of Alaska, President Sarah Palin thanked her husband Todd and all of the patriots who rescued Alaska from the "non-patriotic non-believing devil worshippers of the Lower 48."

In her first official act as president of Alaska, Sarah Palin revoked all of the treaties and obligations binding Alaska to the United States of America and declared that "Alaska would no longer honor any extradition agreements between the independent country of Alaska and the United States."

In reaction, a visibly pleased Senator Ted Stevens said, "Long live the sovereign nation of Alaska!"