America Unsurprised by New Republican Scandal

Washington, D.C.-- Alaska Senator Ted Stevens was indicted today on seven counts for not publicly disclosing hundreds of thousands of dollars he spent improving his home. The money was obtained through gifts from a private oil company. Senator Stevens claims he has never misled the American public and is innocent of all charges.

The American public, meanwhile, could not care less. “I woke up this morning and heard that there was a new scandal in the Repubican Party,” Alaskan citizen Barry Yates said. “When I found out it had nothing to do with firing people or gay sex, I just didn’t find it all that interesting.”

Fox News also saw a decline their viewership over the scandal story. “It’s a boring story,” said one Fox News executive. “The public just isn’t shocked anymore to hear about how politicians are using funds for their own expenses. A public official would have to shoot someone to make a headline now... wait, no, that’s been done already.”

Bush To Place Democrats Under House Arrest On Election Day

Washington, D.C. - Assimilated Press has learned, through high-level sources in the White House, that President George W. Bush has signed an executive order that will place all registered Democratic voters under house arrest for a twenty-four hour period beginning on election day, November 4, 2008.

This highly charged move and unique political strategy was proposed to the president during a closed and highly secret meeting in the Oval Office which was attended by Vice President Dick Cheney, Cheney's Chief of Staff David Addington, law professor John Yoo, Karl Rove and Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia.

The stated purpose of the executive order is to protect the American people from external and internal threats by ensuring that a Republican president is elected and that Republicans regain both houses of congress. Both Scalia and Yoo addressed the legal issues involved as they voiced their support of this radical move to detain millions of people in their homes while depriving them of their right to vote.

John Yoo spoke first and said, "Der Leader ist clearly empowered to protect Das Vaterland by any and all means as long as he is a faithful member of Die Partei Republican."

Antonin Scalia added, "We are in a time of war and this decision falls well within the president's power to do what is necessary to protect us. Sieg Heil...er, I mean, have a nice day."

George W. Bush, Buffoon & Psychopath

The Incredible Shrinking Bush

Repubs, Dems & Greens, A Brief Analysis

Republican Party = evil and corrupt

Democratic Party = cowardly and corrupt

Green Party = self-righteous and delusional

American People = screwed

Why Is There A Democratic Party?

The Democratic Party for the last 7 years has given George W. Bush virtually everything he has wanted and as a result the country is in shambles, and now this Democratic congress has eviscerated the 4th Amendment with its shameless cave-in on FISA. So, why on earth is there a Democratic Party? They are obviously part of the problem and not part of the solution.

As kb said in a previous post's comments, there is only one reason to vote for Democrats and that is because they are not Republicans. That is not a winning proposition for voter enthusiasm and winning elections.

The lesser of two evils is still evil.

Obama Misleads Supporters & Betrays Constitution

After dissing supporters and spitting on the 4th Amendment the question is, what principles will Obama betray next?

Federal Government to Give Away Prize with Title V Funding

After 21 states have declined Title V funding for abstinence-only programming and declared the abstinence-only initiative to be ineffective, the federal government has announced a new plan to entice states to accept the funding: prizes.

"Remember how excited you used to be as a kid when a box of cereal came with a prize?" said Mike Leavitt, Secretary of the U.S. Administration for Children, Youth and Families. "Well it's just like that but with funding. Every $50,000 of accepted funds comes with a free gift." When pressed for questions about what the gift was, Mr. Leavitt only responded by saying, "It's a surprise."

Meanwhile the 21 states who have declined the funding are unimpressed with the federal government's response. As one state health official explained, "The free prize is tempting, but so is lowering the rate of chlamydia transmission. We just can't risk the health of our youths for what's inside the mystery box."

President Bush expressed his outrage at the states who are continuing to refuse the abstinence-only funding. "I don't understand why the states can't get on board with the program's message. It's simple-- sex is a horrible, dirty thing-- save it for the person you love and marry. Once you are married, you will never have an unplanned pregnancy, become infected with an STD or have any other sexual problem." During his statement, President Bush was seen trying to hold back a giggle, especially when he said the words "sex" and "sexual".

The remaining states who have already applied to renew their abstinence-only funding are hoping they can receive the prize retroactively. Mississippi has not only asked for their portion of the prizes, but has also inquired about whether or not they could receive the prizes allocated to states who continue to refuse the funding.

"We're hoping the prize is bibles. You can never have enough bibles," said one Mississippi Title V sub-grantee.

In related news, a survey by the CDC showed that 80% of teens believed they were already educated about sexual health because they watched the movie American Pie and remember the part where Jim's dad told Jim to use a condom. The remaining 20% of teens said that they would have seen the movie, but they couldn't find a babysitter to watch their kid.

McCain Praised By Media After Killing Puppy & Slapping Baby Girl

Centerville, Ohio - It was just another day on the campaign trail for Senator John McCain who was giving his standard stump speech in front of members of the local chamber of commerce and their families when he was suddenly interrupted by a barking puppy and a crying baby girl in the audience.

Thrown off-stride by this disturbance, McCain visibly became increasingly agitated as the veins in his forehead bulged and his face turned beet red. After a few more seconds he reached his boiling point and exploded in anger as he shouted out "Somebody shut that fuckin' baby up and give that god damn dog a swift kick in the ribs to stop its yappin'."

Unfortunately, McCain's outburst had the opposite effect than the one he intended. Instead of ending the interruptions, his words frightened the baby girl causing her to cry more and they also upset the puppy making it bark louder and more frequently.

At his wit's end, the Republican nominee stopped his speech and angrily left the podium as he pushed his way into the crowd until he reached the crying baby girl and her mother who was holding her. With his eyes glaring and his lips trembling, McCain spit into the mother's face and slapped the baby girl. Then, he grabbed a gun from a secret service agent and shot the puppy repeatedly until it dropped to the ground dead.

McCain then waved the gun at the audience and said, "This is what happens when you fuck with John McCain. You got that. Don't fuck with John McCain!"

The senator was then hustled into a black SUV and driven back to his hotel.

Reporters who accompany McCain were quick to point out that this is the McCain they know and love. Liz Sidoti of the Associated Press said, "He is such a kind and gentle man. I have to say, he showed enormous restraint and compassion. That baby girl was asking for it and don't even get me started on the puppy."

Adding her comments on the occurrence was Jennifer Loven also of Associated Press who said, "This whole episode clearly demonstrates without any doubt that John McCain is not only a straight-shooter but that he is strong and willing to do whatever is necessary to restore order and protect the American people. Barack Obama doesn't have the guts to slap babies or shoot puppies and that's why we can't trust him to protect us from whatever it is we need to be afraid of."

Adding his always thoughtful analysis, David Broder of the Washington Post said, "What happened in Centerville today shows that John McCain has the temperament, patience and wisdom to be America's next president. In McCain's America babies won't cry and puppies won't bark. That's the kind of country I want to live in."

On a related note, shortly after McCain left the premises, the baby girl, Nancy, was arrested for creating a disturbance. She was released after her distraught mother posted bail and a court date was set.

Bush Publicly Defecates On Constitution

Washington, D.C. - Today, in a brazen display of his absolute power, President Bush instructed his aides to place the original copy of the Constitution on the lawn of the Rose Garden. Then, in front of the entire White House press core, Bush pulled down his pants, squatted and proceeded to defecate on America's most precious document. When the president finished, he pulled up his pants and proclaimed, "Our form of government is over 200 years old. We need something new."

Reaction from members of Congress was swift and overwhelmingly favorable. Senator McCain, speaking for most Republicans, said "President Bush is my kind of leader. What he says makes sense. 200 years is a long time. Besides, what is the Constitution anyway? It's just a piece paper."

The initial response from the media was also very positive. Brit Hume of Fox News said, "It takes a bold leader to point out the fact that the Founding Fathers were radicals who created a flawed document that is more fitting for a hippie commune than a great country." Chris Matthews of MSNBC said, "I applaud the president for this grand gesture of reform. Bush is a manly man who is sure of himself. I can't see John Kerry or Al Gore acting this decisively."

A few hours later, the president's aides gathered up the soiled Constitution and returned it to the National Archives.

This story was originally published at Assimilated Press on October 4, 2006 and is being republished on this July 4th in memory of the constitutional rights that have been lost over the last seven years.

McCain's Whores Rush To His Rescue

Does McCain send flowers to "journalists" after they are done servicing him or does he just autograph their kneepads?

Election 2008 coverage, brought to you by the same corporate media that sponsored George W. Bush and the war in Iraq.

Is Obama Just Another Political Hack?

Does Obama have any beliefs he's not willing to sacrifice in order to get elected? Apparently not.

Obama throws Wesley Clark under the bus because of Media frenzy of outright lies as the major corporate news organizations continue to whore for McCain while sacrificing all journalistic integrity.

What is worse, the outright pro-McCain propaganda of the media or Obama's failure to stand up to it while he betrays his friends and allies? First it was his flip-flop on FISA, then repudiating Wesley Clark on the basis of lies, then attacking Move-on and the 60's counter-culture movement. Maybe Obama forgot that the 60's was an era of great social progress and that Move-on has done a lot of work getting many individuals involved in the political process.

Update: The Audacity to Pander