Apple Invents GPS To Get Us Out Of Iraq

Palo Alto, California - Steve Jobs of Apple Corp announced today that his company has invented the iMLOST, a portable Global Positioning Satellite (GPS) device. The iMLOST, the size of a cell phone, has advanced diplomatic and military capabilities which allow the user to triangulate rival Shi'a army locations, pinpoint Sunni insurgents and negotiate safe passage through the minefields of neocon denial to get American troops out of Iraq.

Sen. Majority Leader Harry Reid (D-NV) and Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi (D-CA) have expressed a cautious interest in the device. A senior spokesperson at the White House has said that due to the President's busy vacation schedule, he will not be able to look at the iMLOST until sometime in late January 2009.

Written for Assimilated Press by roving reporter pinko

Super-Delegates To Judge Swimsuit, Talent Competitions

Atlantic City, New Jersey - Democratic Party super-delegates have agreed to decide the competition for their primary presidential nominee based on the outcome of traditional contests of looks and talent. Both candidates, Sen. Barack Obama and Sen. Hillary Clinton, have agreed to compete in a swimsuit competition and a talent show.

Tucker Yap, a super-delegate from California, was enthusiastic about the prospect of judging the candidates in this way. "It's part of the American tradition to pick candidates based on attributes that have absolutely nothing to do with the qualifications for the job. After all, Bush got elected because people felt they'd rather have a beer with him in their backyards than with Kerry, but knocking back brewskis in Joe Shmo's backyard is not part of the oath to 'preserve and protect the Constitution.' Besides, lots of super-delegates are curious to see Obama in a one-piece halter swimsuit and stiletto heels. Frankly, he looks like he might have spindly- kinda legs."

For the talent competition, Sen. Clinton will perform a juggling act where she will balance the budget, juggle special interests and run circles around Sen. Obama's policy proposals. Sen. Obama will demonstrate his skill at sounding great about how everything has to change without actually saying anything about how he intends to make that change happen.

Written for Assimilated Press by roving reporter pinko

Hillary Pulls 16 Wheel Semi-Trailer With Teeth

Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania - In a move calculated to show her toughness and steely resolve as she vies for the nomination to be the Democratic presidential candidate, Hillary Clinton pulled a heavy 16 wheel semi-trailer 100 yards using only her bare teeth and a leather harness as cheering supporters applauded and threw confetti.

After completing this strenuous feat of strength Hillary issued a challenge to Barack Obama saying, "I just pulled 15 tons of dead weight 100 yards with my bare teeth and I didn't even break out in a sweat. You hear that Obama? I'm talking to you. I dare you to do the same thing. I double-dare you! You think you're man enough to take me on? Prove it! Until you do, I just showed the entire world that I am the only candidate, other than John McCain, who has passed the commander-in-chief test."

When asked to comment on the challenge issued by Hillary, a bemused Barack Obama smiled and then said, "If only she showed that same strength six years ago and voted against giving Bush the authorization for war in Iraq."

The Tears Of A Clown

Michael Mukasey's tearful lies

Obama Pressed To Renounce Nat Turner

Washington, D.C. - Tim Russert, chief Washington correspondent for NBC News, today called on Democratic presidential candidate Barack Obama to renounce Nat Turner and the slave rebellion he led in which 57 white men, women and children were killed.

Speaking to Brian Williams on NBC's Nightly News, Russert said, "If Barack Obama fails to deal with this issue head on and does not release a strong condemnation of Nat Turner and the slave rebellion of 1831 then the average American voter will assume that Obama supports the killing of white landowners and his campaign for the presidency of the United States is doomed."

When questioned about Russert's comments, Obama said, "Sure, I'll condemn Nat Turner and the slave rebellion as soon as Tim Russert condemns the Spanish Inquisition, slavery, and the massacre at Wounded Knee."

McCain Pledges Victory In Vietnam

Midland, Michigan - Today while campaigning at the Dow Chemical Company's world headquarters, Senator John McCain boldly pledged to reopen the Vietnam War so that America could have one more chance to finish it and declare victory.

Speaking to an enthusiastic gathering of Dow's shareholders, McCain tied the war in Iraq to the war in Vietnam and said, "America can not have victory in Iraq until it has victory in Vietnam. That is why my first act as President will be to send American troops to Vietnam in order to finish the job. We will retake Ho Chi Min City and change its name back to Saigon and then we will bomb Hanoi until they beg me to accept their surrender and then I will personally raise the American flag in Hanoi. This time we are going to do it right, my friends."

McCain then encouraged Dow to once again produce napalm and concluded his comments by saying, "More war is what we need to jump-start this economy."

Senator McCain's pledge was immediately praised as another example of the straight-shooting talk, foreign policy experience and downright manliness of Senator McCain that the press corps has come to know, love and admire.

Said Chris Matthews of MSNBC, "Wow! What a guy. No one but McCain is bold enough or man enough to refight the Vietnam War. Neither Obama or Clinton are this daring. Forget Hard Ball, when it comes to McCain, I've got a hard-on, and I'm not the only one, so do Broder, Russert and all of his other buddies in the press."

Aides to McCain say that he is also considering the invasion of North Korea and Quebec, Canada. When questioned why Quebec would be invaded, aides responded by saying, "They speak French, don't they?"

Announcing New Daily Campaign Coverage

Assimilated Press will be on the campaign trail with the candidates reporting every day on the stories that the Main Stream Media (aka, corporate or corrupt media) is too afraid to touch. We will faithfully report to you what the candidates are really saying and what is happening behind the scenes with that terrier determination that has become the trademark of Assimilated Press.

Thanks To Everyone!

On behalf of pinko and myself, I want to thank everyone for being patient and so understanding of this long break. kb and Lilith your kind comments were very much appreciated.

Assimilated Press is now back in action and will be introducing new features in the days ahead.