Vice President Cheney Bites The Ambassador From Liechtenstein

Washington, D.C. - In a highly charged confrontation that is sending shock-waves around the world, an enraged Dick Cheney bit the ambassador of Liechtenstein on the shoulder during a state dinner at the White house. Apparently, Cheney was chewing on a prime rib bone and glanced up to see the ambassador from Liechtenstein staring at him. For some reason, this upset Cheney who bared his teeth, snarled and then lunged at the startled ambassador.

Like a possessed pit bull terrier, Cheney sank his teeth into the ambassador and refused to let go. As stunned dignitaries looked on, Cheney had to be forcibly pulled off by his secret service detail. Immediately after the incident, an aide to the vice president retrieved Cheney's false teeth from the ambassador's shoulder. The ambassador was then taken to the hospital where he received 12 stitches and a tetanus shot.

Later that same evening, Cheney's wife, Lynne, said to reporters "Two things about Dick, never look him in the eyes when he is chewing on a bone and don't ever cross him once he's made up his mind. He'll crush you like a June bug."

Epidemic Of Hearing Loss Eases Noise Pollution

Bethesda, Maryland - Scientists at the National Institutes of Health (NIH) announced today that the American people are losing their hearing at an alarming rate. They attribute this loss of hearing to several factors including extremely loud music, traffic, leaf blowers and other assorted mechanized equipment. However, they found that the greatest loss of hearing resulted from the inability of people to talk in a normal conversational level as was once the practice in America. Instead, most people talk to each other at excessively loud levels that could be mistaken for shouting.

This dramatic increase in deafness is also striking children at a very early age. Not surprisingly, the cause of child hearing loss seems directly linked to the very recent change in juvenile behavior in which screaming sporadically for no reason has become the accepted norm.

The good news, according to the NIH, is that this loss of hearing among the general public is greatly alleviating the difficult issue of noise pollution. After all, if it can't be heard, it isn't a problem.

Rush Limbaugh Causes Frightening Increase In Flatulence

Rochester, Minnesota - A study recently completed by the Mayo Clinic showed that people who listen to Rush Limbaugh are twenty times more likely to suffer from severe flatulence. However, researchers could not determine if this was the direct result of Limbaugh's radio broadcast or if the people who are drawn to Limbaugh have a predisposition for this gastrointestinal condition.

In a related study conducted by the University of Southern California (USC), researchers discovered that, after cows, Limbaugh's audience created more methane gas than any other natural source. Professor Ridgeway of USC said, "There is no doubt that Rush Limbaugh and his followers are a danger to the environment because of their excessive flatulence."

Bush Praises Global Warming

Washington, D.C. - Fighting back against critics who claim that his administration is encouraging global warming through its oil company friendly policies, President Bush stated today in an impromptu news conference, "Why is everyone treatin' global warming as a bad thing? It's not. It's a good thing. First off, global warming is good for the economy. Sales of air conditioners, fans, and suntan lotions are way up. Second, people don't have to go to Florida or Arizona for their winter vacations. Pretty soon they will be able to stay in Chicago, Minneapolis, or New Jersey all year round and still be able to enjoy the warm sunny weather. Who could possibly be against that? And most important, don't we all want a world that is a little warmer and a lot less colder?"

There was no response from critics of the president who were uncharacteristically speechless.

National Park Service Outsourced to Pacific Lumber

Scotia, California - Officials of the Pacific Lumber Company announced today that they have been given the go ahead by the Republican led congress and President Bush to take over all operations of the National Park Service which is scheduled for elimination by the end of the year. This move to completely privatize the national park system is expected to increase efficiency and restore balance to the way the nation's resources are allocated.

At today's press conference, high ranking executives of Pacific Lumber presented their master plan for the national park system. It includes a series of theme parks devoted to the lumber industry which will include names such as Two-By-Four Land and Lumberville. This change in direction for the nation's park system will serve to demonstrate the value of harvesting these bountiful resources. Furthermore, recreation will be expanded to include more tracts for snowmobiles and games for the children such as chain saw competition and can you guess which trees make the best lumber for building and which are used for paper products?

Rob Ublind, a spokesperson for Pacific Lumber, said "This is a great opportunity for Pacific Lumber which we anticipate will greatly please our shareholders. We want to thank President Bush and the Republican leaders in congress for making Pacific Lumber the guardian of this treasure on behalf of the American people. We believe the elimination of the National Park Service will result in the savings of billions of dollars for the taxpayers of this country."

White House Discovers Records Proclaims Bush War Hero

Washington, D.C. - The White House announced today that a long lost box of Bush's records, detailing his time in the Texas National Guard, has been discovered. Apparently, the box was hidden beneath his Yale cheerleading outfits and a collection of beer steins from his days at a fraternity.

Press Secretary Tony Snow said, "These records we recently found show that President Bush volunteered for duty in Vietnam and, in fact, flew over 50 missions as a fighter pilot. Furthermore, the president is credited with shooting down 7 North Vietnamese MIGs. So, I hope this finally puts to rest the rumors regarding the president's military record."

When asked for copies of the recently discovered records to review, Snow replied "For the purpose of national security these records have been declared top secret and have been sealed."

"F Word" To Be Taxed By Government

Washington, D.C. - Secretary of the Treasury Henry M. Paulson, Jr. announced today that the government was working with congress to institute a tax on the "F word." Paulson said, "While we are against taxes as a matter of principle, we are wholeheartedly in support of this new tax on one of the most profane expletives used. Furthermore, this tax will bring in desperately needed revenue while also helping to cleanse our obscenity laced society of these horrible utterances. In fact, our initial estimates predict that this new tax will bring in 14 billion dollars a year to the treasury."

When questioned how it would be possible to collect taxes on the use of a word, Paulson replied "We don't anticipate too many problems in collecting revenues from this new tax. We are coordinating our efforts with the NSA and they will let us know who is using the F word during phone conversations and on their computers for emails and messaging. We will also be instituting a special eyes and ears reward program where neighbors and friends will be financially rewarded for reporting any F word usage they come in contact with. All in all, I think we've got the bases covered pretty well."

Experts say that this new tax is expected to hit bloggers and college students especially hard since they are among the most ardent users of the F word. In fact, several well known bloggers have said they will shut down their sites if they are not allowed to use the F word. Said one top-rated blogger who wished to remain anonymous "F*** this s***! How the f*** am I supposed to f***ing communicate to my f***ing readers if I can't use f***? It's a f***ing disgrace."

In response to these criticisms and to help bloggers, college students and others who do not wish to pay the new tax on the F word, the Treasury department released a list of suitable words that can be used without taxation. They include, fudge, fiddlesticks, feck, fock and fluck.

Support in congress for this new tax is said to be bipartisan and it is expected to pass within the next two weeks.

Bacon And Beef The New Healthy Diet

Des Moines, Iowa - In a star studded announcement that featured celebrities Bruce Willis and Pat Sajak, representatives of the pork and beef industries introduced their "New healthy diet for the 21st century," a diet that relies almost exclusively on pork and beef products. This dramatic change in accepted nutritional practices follows years of lobbying by these two very powerful industries which finally convinced the Food and Drug Administration (FDA) to give its official seal of approval for this new dietary standard.

Examples of healthy meals suggested jointly by the pork and beef industries along with the FDA are as follows; For breakfast, Portuguese sausages and chopped beef liver, for lunch, a bacon cheeseburger with a side of ribs, for dinner, a sirloin steak topped with grilled ground pork and two slices of Canadian bacon.

When questioned about the possible impact of this diet on the health of the average American, representatives of the pork and beef industries did not attempt to refute charges that diets rich in animal fat lead to higher levels of heart disease, stroke and cancer. But, they did say in reply, "wouldn't you rather die with a bacon cheeseburger in your hand and a smile on your face?"

Summing up the day's message, Pork and Beef spokesperson Derrick Dunwell said "Fruit and vegetables are out. Meat is in. Our motto is, you can never get enough meat."

Secretary Of Defense Rumsfeld Guided By Talking Loaf Of Velveeta

Washington, D.C. - Inside sources have revealed to Assimilated Press that Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld relies almost exclusively on a talking loaf of Velveeta for guidance on some of the most important and sensitive decisions he makes. This shocking revelation of a highly unusual relationship between a man in the uppermost levels of government and a cheese byproduct has official Washington buzzing and is causing foreign allies to question a whole range of policies, such as the decision to invade Iraq and the lack of a plan for occupation after the initial phase of the war was completed.

Rumors of the secretary's strange alliance have been swirling for some time but have never been confirmed before today. Apparently, Rumsfeld warmly refers to his cherished loaf of Velveeta by the name Sally and it is never far from his side.

Sally was given to Rumsfeld by Dick Cheney 35 years ago when they were both members of the Nixon administration. What was intended as a gift from one friend to another soon turned into an obsession. Rumsfeld would spend long hours in his office alone with Sally during some of the darkest days of the Vietnam war and Watergate, emerging only sporadically when he was called on by Nixon to join the president in prayer.

As the years have dragged on, Sally has become discolored and moldy but that has not diminished Rumsfeld's love for his constant companion and confidant. It is said that when Rumsfeld is not asking Sally for guidance she is locked in the safe in his office in order to keep her existence hidden and the rancid odor under control.

President Bush, when questioned about this controversy, stood by his beleaguered secretary of defense and said "Rummy is doin' a heck of a job and he has my complete confidence."

Evolution Banned In Kansas

Topeka, Kansas - Today, the Kansas State legislature banned evolution, and not just the teaching of evolution, but evolution itself. The new law proclaims that "All Kansans are descendants of Adam and Eve and were created by the hand of God without the help of Charles Darwin." It then goes on to state unequivocally that "Evolution has not and never will occur in Kansas."

Shortly after the vote, jubilant legislators held a victory party on the steps of the capital building. Speaker of the House Doug Mays, raising his fists into the air, shouted out "Evolution will not take place in Kansas as long as we have God fearing legislators like the ones here today."

This is the first time any state in the country has voted to criminalize the process of evolution and it is expected to be a model for others to follow. Already, state senators and representatives in Alabama, Mississippi and South Dakota have vowed to introduce similar legislation.

Many scientists, however, voiced doubts and said it remains to be seen whether this new law would prove effective in preventing the process of evolution from occurring within the state boundaries of Kansas.

Vice President Cheney Kills Innocent Man In Fit Of Rage

Lynchburg, Virginia - Dick Cheney was at the center of a confrontation at a local steakhouse late Wednesday evening that resulted in the death of one man. Eyewitnesses and employees of the restaurant report that the vice president was enjoying a quiet night out with his close friend Jerry falwell when he overheard a diner at a nearby table remark that "Cocker Spaniels were not as smart as Irish Setters."

For some reason this infuriated Cheney who rose to his feet while unleashing a torrent of obscene comments which seemed mostly to pertain to the superiority of Cocker Spaniels over any other breed, especially Irish Setters. He then grabbed a bottle of 1961 Chateau Latour Pauillac from the table and threw it at the startled diner. Unfortunately, the vice president had finished most of the bottle and his aim was off. The 1961 Chateau Latour Pauillac flew wide of its target and struck another restaurant patron in the head, splitting his skull and instantly killing him.

Seeing what he had done, Cheney muttered "Oh, shit!" He then reached into his coat pocket and pulled out a piece of paper that appeared to have the presidential insignia on it. Waving the paper in front of Falwell, he said, "Lucky I've got this, all purpose past, present and future pardon. My get out of jail card. Don't know what I'd do without it."

Cheney then calmly sat down, ordered another bottle of wine and proceeded to finish his meal, a medium rare porterhouse steak with cottage fries.

Attorney General Gonzalez To Reinstate Ancient Gladiator Games

Washington, D.C. - In a bid to decrease the budget deficit while providing entertainment for the American people, Attorney General Alberto Gonzalez, acting on orders from President Bush, today announced that the ancient Roman tradition of Gladiator Games is to be revived. Said Gonzalez, "We are going to give the American people exactly what they want, exciting sporting events where the stakes are high. And, at the same time, bring in much needed revenue for the nation's coffers."

Details are sketchy but this much is known. The games are to take place on Capital Mall where President Bush will preside over the festivities in a special viewing platform accompanied by his wife, the vice president and his general staff. Prisoners from Guantanamo and those currently awaiting execution in the nation's prison system will be given the option of fighting for their possible freedom in these games.

Traditional gladiator weapons will be used. These include swords, lances, harpoons, scimitars and nets. Individual competitions will last until one man is left standing. And, in the tradition of American Idol, wounded gladiators left on the playing field will be spared or put to death based on the crowd's reaction. However, unlike American Idol, the final decision will rest with President Bush who will also decide whether or not the winner of the competition will be given his freedom or be forced to fight another day.

Revenue from these games is expected to reach as high as 4 billion dollars the first year. Most of this cash influx into the general treasury will come from an agreement reached with Fox Sports which will have exclusive broadcasting rights to all gladiator games. Additional income will come from ticket sales. Special seating tickets will cost as much as $140 while general admission seating will be an economically priced $18.

Wal-Mart To Offer Outpatient Surgery In New Superstores

Bentonville, Arkansas - Wal-Mart, the world's leading retailer, today said it was expanding into the field of health care. As of August 1, customers can elect to have outpatient surgery as part of their shopping experience. At first, simple to moderate procedures such as appendectomies, orthopedic reconstruction and child birth will be performed. However, by the start of next year, Wal-Mart plans to move into more complex surgical procedures as they add heart and neurosurgery to the selection available to shoppers.

Wal-Mart spokesperson Rupert Roberts said, "We feel that by offering this new expansion into health care we will be providing an essential service at a substantial discount, and with the usual Wal-Mart quality that customers have come to expect."

All surgery will be performed by qualified physicians who will be assisted by the courteous Wal-Mart staff. As always, you get the guaranteed lowest prices at Wal-Mart.

Bush Orders Closure Of American Border With Venezuela

Washington, D.C. - President Bush, citing recent incendiary statements by Venezuelan President Hugo Chávez, today ordered a total closure of America's border with Venezuela. Said President Bush, "Our neighbor to the south is unrespecting us and that is something that no Commander-in-Chief can tolerate. Therefore, I have instructed the army and national guard to immediately seal the border with Venezuela."

Reaction on Capital Hill was swift with Bush receiving strong bipartisan support for this policy decision. Senator Bill Frist said, "This is a bold move by a forceful and decisive leader. Venezuela must be made to pay a price for their harsh and reckless rhetoric." Senator Lieberman added, "I agree completely with my colleague from Tennessee. All Americans stand united behind our president as he protects us from this verbal abuse."

Later in the day, Acting Assistant Attorney General Steven Bradbury was asked if the president was aware that the United States did not share a border with Venezuela. Bradbury replied, "The president is always right. If he says that the United States has a border with Venezuela, then the United States has a border with Venezuela."

Fox News, in support of the president, prominently featured a map that showed Venezuela sharing a common border with Arizona and New Mexico.

Panic Spreads As Gay Sharks Attack Missing White Women

Fort Lauderdale, Florida - Governor Jeb Bush today declared a state of emergency in Florida after rumors persisted of vicious attacks on missing white women by schools of gay sharks. Said the governor, "Some of you may say that I am acting precipitously in declaring this emergency even though there is no hard evidence that these attacks are taking place. Well, I say to those skeptics, if that attitude had prevailed in the war on terror my older brother would not have invaded Iraq and it would not be the free and peaceful nation that we see today." Bush then continued with this ominous warning, "These sharks are very well organized and extremely fastidious. I would caution all missing white women to stay as far away from the beach as possible."

As news of these rumored attacks spread across the country, fearful citizens as far away as Kansas stayed indoors and prayed for the welfare of their missing white women. In one town in Nebraska an effigy of a gay shark was burned as a cheering crowd watched approvingly. Efforts by some community leaders to restore calm were met with shouts of "gay shark lover" and "traitor."

Fox News, MSNBC and CNN have all rented studio facilities along the coastline for on-scene continuous saturation coverage of this major story.

Cheney Sets Up Shadow Government In Area 51

Lincoln County, Nevada - Through carefully cultivated sources, Assimilated Press has learned that Vice President Dick Cheney has established a government-in-waiting that is located in super secret Area 51 in Nevada. This shadow government, which goes by the name Project 51, was set up only days after Bush and Cheney were inaugurated in 2001. Its sole purpose, as envisioned by Cheney, is to provide a smooth transition to a more efficient system of government than the one created by America's Founding Fathers.

Functioning in a total media blackout and completely without any congressional or judicial oversight, Cheney and a small cadre of aids have been able to transfer vast amounts of resources and people to this desert location. Furthermore, large luxury quarters featuring an 18 hole golf course have been constructed by Halliburton and the best chiefs from around the world have been recruited, at significant expense, to cater to the culinary whims of the assembled officials and functionaries.

In addition, several entertainers, who have been provided security clearances and sworn to secrecy, such as Lee Greenwood, Toby Keith and Tony Orlando, have been flown in from their usual venue of Branson, Missouri for special command performances for Cheney who has awarded them with gold medals printed from the Area 51 treasury and promises of land grants when the government-in-waiting emerges from the shadows and takes full control.

The new American government will be structured along the lines of a corporation. Dick Cheney will be the Chairman of the Board and Chief Executive Officer. The board itself will be composed of people specially selected by Cheney and will contain many familiar names such as John Yoo, Antonin Scalia, David Addington and Karl Rove. All decisions made by the Chairman will be considered law and not subject to question or appeal.

No special office or responsibilities are planned for George W. Bush. However, he will be given an honorary title and a lifelong pension for services rendered during the transition process.

Bush Orders Execution Of First Dog Barney

Washington, D.C. - In an unusual display of public anger, President George W. Bush today ordered the summary execution of his pet Scottish Terrier and First Dog, Barney. This unexpected and tragic turn of events took place as Bush was returning to the White House from a trip to Camp David.

Apparently, Barney's fall from grace occurred when he ruined a well-orchestrated photo opportunity by neglecting to warmly greet the President as he stepped from the helicopter. Barney has faithfully performed this rehearsed routine many times in the past and it is believed that on this occasion he was distracted by a nearby squirrel.

President Bush, however, was not in a forgiving mood. Clearly upset by this canine misbehavior, Bush turned to the marine guard standing at attention and ordered him to shoot Barney. The marine guard at first appeared startled by the command but quickly regained his composure and obeyed the president by discharging his sidearm into Barney's chest. Barney stumbled backward and then collapsed dead.

Reaction from the media was generally supportive of the president as typified by Tim Russert of NBC who said, "No one can doubt that this president is a take charge guy who isn't afraid to make the tough decisions. You have to believe that the next First Dog will think twice before making such a big mistake." Brit Hume of Fox News also weighed in by saying "Barney had it coming to him. I think this will give Bush a 10 point boost in the polls."

Presidential aids later removed Barney's head which will be mounted for display in the Oval Office.

It's Official: God Is A White Male Heterosexual Christian

Dallas, Texas - In a vote on their party platform for the 2006 congressional elections, Republican representatives overwhelmingly approved, as their first plank and central tenet, the statement that "God is a white male heterosexual Christian."

Senator Rick Santorum, speaking on behalf of the assembled representatives, said "Of course, this statement is indisputably true. All of the pictures of God that I have seen show him to be a white male surrounded by crosses. What other conclusion can you possibly reach? As for his sexuality, when you are God you can have any woman you want. Need I say more?"

When questioned whether God was a Catholic or a Protestant, Santorum appeared shaken and could not provide an answer. Although, in response to another question, he did say that God not only had a penis but that he was very well endowed and that this was common knowledge among religious authorities.

Karl Rove, who attended the event as an unofficial delegate and was thought to have engineered the inclusion of this statement, said "Forget Iraq. Forget record budget deficits. Forget all of the lies and failures. We Republicans will run as the white male heterosexual Christian party that has God on its side. As for the Democrats, everyone knows that they are against white male Christian heterosexuals and that they hate God."

Rove concluded his remarks by saying, "With God and Diebold on our side, victory is ours."

Homeland Security Develops Human Flypaper For Illegal Immigrants

Washington, D.C. - The Department of Homeland Security today announced that they have financed the development of a new technology to drastically stem the flow of illegal immigrants from Mexico. This cutting edge solution was made possible by a grant of 2.7 billion dollars to the research laboratories of Monsanto Company and follows months of exhaustive clinical trials that were conducted in complete secrecy.

Dr. Gene Havoc, head of the Monsanto development team, in presenting this invention to the assembled reporters and government officials said, "We are delighted to introduce to you the latest in high tech border security and our answer to the problem of illegal immigration, the Random Probability Contact Adhesive for Unauthorized Homo Sapiens, or as it is more commonly referred to, human flypaper."

Dr. Havoc then explained how the human flypaper functions, "Essentially, it works the same way with humans as it does with flies. As unauthorized individuals cross the border and come into America there is a certain mathematical probability that they will come in contact with one of the sheets of human flypaper that will be positioned in high traffic zones. Once they come into contact with this super adhesive paper they will be unable to escape and will remain there until they are collected by agents of the Border Patrol."

Representatives from the Department of Homeland Security said that implementation of this solution would begin immediately with the placement of lengthy sheets of human flypaper in strategic locations along the entire Mexican-American border .

KKK Disbands Claiming GOP Has Co-opted All Of Their Ideas

Pulaski, Tennessee - The Ku Klux Klan officially disbanded today claiming that the Republican Party has co-opted all of their ideas concerning race, immigration and religion and that there was no longer any need for their existence.

In a jubilant and sometimes rowdy ceremony, Grand Wizard Floyd T-Bone Perkins said, "We consider it a measure of our success that the Republicans have picked up our torch and carried it across the entire country. We were especially pleased with what the Republicans did in Florida in the elections of 2000. The way they kept the coloreds from voting was awe inspiring. And then they did the same thing in Ohio in 2004. Hell, their techniques were a whole lot better than ours. You might say, they learned from us and did us one better. But, that said, the most important thing is that the Republican Party has restored the country to what it is meant to be, a white Christian nation."

Most Klan members present supported the move to disband the KKK and said that they had felt welcome in the Republican Party for a long time. White House spokesperson Tony Snow was unavailable for comment.

Harvard Business School Loses Accreditation

Cambridge, Massachusetts - In an embarrassing disclosure, the Harvard Business School was forced to admit that their accreditation has been withdrawn due to lack of standards and favoritism to legacy students. This punitive action is expected to have an extremely adverse impact on Harvard's once stellar reputation and will make it much more difficult for the school to recruit the best students and most qualified staff.

In a hastily arranged announcement today, Dean Bill Ofurdew informed the assembled faculty that the International Academic Review Board has meted out its harshest discipline to the prestigious university because of past and present practices but that one incident in particular led to the present situation. He refused to elaborate. However, according to sources within the university, Harvard Business School fell afoul of the accreditation board because of its acceptance of George W. Bush who was so grossly unqualified, even for a legacy student, that it brought disgrace to Harvard's admission process.

Furthermore, evidence was produced that showed that the young Bush received his degree even though he did not attend classes or meet basic academic requirements. Representatives of the International Academic Review Board speaking anonymously said that the favoritism showed to George W. Bush made a mockery of the Harvard Business School and rendered their diplomas valueless.

An obviously penitent Dean Ofurdew said, "I am deeply ashamed of the behavior of the admissions board and the entire Harvard Business School. I hope that one day we will be able to regain our reputation."

The International Academic Review Board guidelines say that Harvard can reapply for accreditation after two years have passed. If their accreditation is approved it will be on a provisional basis until the end of a three year probationary period.

Diebold Bought By Exxon Mobil

Houston, Texas - Exxon Mobil today announced the purchase of Diebold Incorporated. The new company will be known as Exxon Mobil Diebold.

Considered a shrewd move by seasoned investors, Exxon Mobil Diebold will now be able to have greater control over fluctuations in the political market. This will ensure that Exxon Mobil Diebold will be able to invest wisely in congressional, presidential and judicial futures and will also be able to protect equity on Capital Hill in which they have placed substantial resources and planning.

In an afternoon news conference that featured generous amounts of caviar, shrimp, lobster and champagne for the assembled media, spokesperson Paul Loot said, "This is a great day for Exxon Mobil Diebold. Not only will we see the future, we will control it."

Bush Becomes America's First 6 Star General

Washington, D.C. - President Bush, declaring that the title of Commander in Chief was no longer sufficient to match his responsibilities as a war president, today awarded himself six stars and proclaimed that he would now be known as General Bush, Supreme Commander in the War on Terror. General Bush also unveiled the special uniform he had commissioned to reflect his new rank. It included a coat covered with medals earned during his many years of hard work protecting the American people from evil doers and a long purple robe with the Bush family insignia.

After the announcement, members of congress and the media surrounded General Bush for a chance to congratulate him on his new position. Many kissed his robe as a sign of respect and subjugation. Said Senator Lieberman, "Doesn't he look wonderful in that new uniform. Now is the time for all Americans to get behind General Bush, our Supreme Commander."

White House spokesperson Tony Snow said after the ceremony that "although five stars are considered the highest rank in the military, General Bush felt that he was deserving of the special honor to be America's first six star general because of the many sacrifices he has made for the people of this country."

A few hours later, General Bush, Supreme Commander in the War on Terror, flew to Crawford, Texas for the start of his two month long summer vacation.

Blogging Increases Frequency Of Sex And Lowers Cholesterol

Cambridge, Massachusetts - A recent study by Harvard University found that people who blog have sex more often than their nonblogging counterparts. Furthermore, bloggers find sex more satisfying and are better equipped to please their partners both emotionally and physically. However, there was one exception. the Harvard study showed that conservative bloggers have less sex than the general public and that they also suffer from shockingly high levels of impotence and frigidity.

Dr. Mona Moore, who led the study, said "We were very surprised to find such a wide disparity between liberal and conservative bloggers. We don't know what to attribute it to but it is strikingly apparent that liberal bloggers, as a group, are happier and have much more gratifying sex lives. On the other hand, conservative bloggers seem very unhappy. They were rude to our research assistants and lacked many basic social skills."

Researchers also discovered that blogging led to dramatically reduced levels of cholesterol. Unfortunately, like the previous finding, these results did not apply to conservative bloggers who were found to suffer from heightened levels of hypertension and blocked arteries.

The full study will be published in the next issue of The Journal of the American Medical Association.

Dennis Miller Found Hiding In Spider Hole

Anaheim, California - Right-wing commentator and one-time comic, Dennis Miller, today was found hiding in a small hole that he dug in a friend's backyard. Miller had been living in the hole for the last six months, surviving on saltine crackers and crunchy peanut butter. Apparently, Miller was distraught over recent career failures and his shame in giving President George W. Bush his complete and unquestioning support over the war in Iraq. Said Miller, "I was duped. What more can I say? I'm an idiot. I supported Bush because I thought he was good for the country and my career. I was wrong on both counts."

Miller was given a brief medical checkup, clean clothes and a bus ticket.

Lieberman Stock Trading At Record Lows

Hartford, Connecticut - Shares of Joe Lieberman Incorporated fell to record lows yesterday in trading at the Congressional Commodities Exchange shortly after the senator's announcement that he would begin to gather signatures for an independent run should he lose the Democratic primary. Market brokers interpreted this move as a sign of desperation in the Lieberman camp which caused investors to lose confidence in the long term futures of Joe Lieberman.

In a second setback to the junior senator from Connecticut, independent auditors downgraded Lieberman stock to junk bond status. Said McMillan T. Morgan of Morgan, Stevens & Tiffany Brokerage, "Joe used to be a blue-chip commodity, a steady return for investors and a favorite of the insurance and banking industries. Now, it looks like the outlook for Lieberman has collapsed and people want to get out before they get burned. We have advised our clients to move from hold to sell."

As of press time, our calls to Senators Chuck Schumer and Chris Dodd seeking comment were not returned.

Bush Vetoes Recent Supreme Court Decision

Washington, D.C. - In an elaborately staged ceremony in the White House Rose Garden, George W. Bush vetoed the recent Supreme Court decision requiring the President to follow the United States Constitution and Geneva Conventions regarding the right of prisoners to due process and a fair and impartial trial. In issuing this first veto of his administration, Bush said the decision hampered his ability to fight terrorism and further declared "This veto of the Supreme Court decision is the right thing for America and the war against terror. Now that the Supreme Court's decision has been vetoed, I hope they get back to work and present me with a better decision that I can accept."

Scholars immediately began debating whether or not the president has the right to veto a Supreme Court decision. John Yoo, speaking on Fox News, said "Yes, of course he has the right to veto a Supreme Court decision. In fact, I would say that it is clearly the Supreme Court that is wrong here." Vice President Cheney's Chief of Staff David Addington and Attorney General Alberto Gonzales agreed saying it is well within the president's power to issue such a veto.

Members of the Supreme Court who were in the majority for this decision could not be reached for comment.

Chris Matthews Swallows Tongue While Bloviating

New York, New York - Chris Matthews narrowly averted death today while interviewing Al Gore about his recently released movie "An Inconvenient Truth." Matthews' brush with mortality occurred seven minutes into the interview when he was just finishing his question for Gore who had not yet spoken. Matthews had spent the preceding minutes leading up to his question berating Gore for supposedly claiming he "invented the environment" and for "trying to steal the election from Bush in 2000."

Matthews also vehemently attacked Gore for his opposition to global warming. Said Matthews, "I'm originally from Philadelphia where it is damn cold in the winter. I'm not an elitist like you. I want the people of Philadelphia to save on their heating bills. It seems to me that global warming is good for the people of Philadelphia. Hell, it's good for the entire Northeast as well. Why should the southern states have all that warm weather in the winter? Why can't us northerners have some of that extra sunshine? I don't know about you, but I would like to lay out in the sun in January and I'm sure that every patriotic American agrees with me. Al Gore, why do you want to punish good Americans who want to be warmer? Clearly, you are on the wrong side of this issue and President Bush is on the right side, fighting for more warmth and less cold."

At this point, Matthews suddenly started choking and began to turn blue. Gesturing wildly, he stood up and then collapsed on the floor unconscious. Gore, realizing that Matthews had just swallowed his tongue and was dying from asphyxiation, quickly went to his aid. He reached down into Matthews' mouth and pulled the swallowed tongue from Matthews' throat thus clearing his air channel. Gore then performed mouth-to-mouth resuscitation on Matthews until he regained consciousness.

Moments later, both men returned to their seats and Matthews, continuing as if nothing had happened, said "So, answer my question. Why do you want to deny warmth to the American people? That seems cold-hearted and cruel to me. Tell me why I'm wrong?"

As Gore began to answer, Matthews cut him off and said "Sorry, we're out of time. Folks, join us tomorrow when we have Ann Coulter and Melanie Morgan on telling us why liberalism should be treated like a disease and eradicated."