Bubonic Plague More Popular Than George W. Bush

Washington, D.C. - For the first time in the history of the Gallup organization, a deadly disease has received a higher favorability rating from the American people than the president of the United States. Specifically, the dreaded Bubonic Plague which has brought death and devastation since the Dark Ages is now preferred over President George W. Bush by a margin of more than two to one.

In making this startling announcement, Jonathan Figby, president of Gallup, said "Never, never ever have we seen these kind of poll results. We've been shaking our heads at Gallup all day long, checking and rechecking, and to our astonishment all of the figures are correct. The only interpretation we can offer is that the American people have come to the conclusion that a vicious life threatening bacteria is now considered less threatening and more likable than the man who currently resides in the White House."

Still, President Bush can take some comfort in the fact that he remains more popular than Dick Cheney who the American people view less favorably than dog shit.

Thumb War to Declare Presidential Candidate

As the number of primaries dwindle and the ongoing battle between Sen. Hillary Clinton and Sen. Barak Obama continues, the Democratic Party announced they will have a thumb war to decide who wins the candidacy for the 2008 Presidential Election. As one Party official stated, "We thought about having a good ol' fashioned game of rock, paper, scissors, but it just seemed too arbitrary."

The Party has yet to announce when the Thumb War will occur, but the candidates are already beginning to train for the event. Hillary Clinton has posed for many pictures with her thumbs up, both an effort to strengthen her thumb muscles and intimidate Obama; meanwhile, Obama is working on his thumb endurance as he sits with his hands clasped with his thumbs propping up his chin. As predicted, the nation is divided over who will win the contest.

In other matters, the Party is now debating over whether or not to begin the Thumb War with the chant "One, two, three, four, I Declare a Thumb War" or "Five, Six, Seven, Eight, Try to Keep Your Thumb Straight," as either saying could possible anger voters who identify as gay and lesbian or anti-war.

DNA Tests Confirm Senator Lieberman Is A Pod Person

Washington, D.C. - Using a toe nail clipping secretly removed from Senator Joe Lieberman while he slept, scientists at MIT were able to conduct a full range of tests and a thorough analysis of Lieberman's genetic makeup. What they found was both shocking and deeply disturbing. Senator Joe Lieberman is not from Connecticut. He is not an American. And, most shocking of all, he is not even a human being but a pod person of alien origin.

As far as can be determined through a comprehensive study of the available evidence, the real Joe Lieberman was replaced by a pod planted by political operative Karl Rove during the 2000 election when Lieberman was running as the Democratic vice presidential candidate. Though Karl Rove has denied this, witnesses place Rove and Lieberman at the Holiday Inn in Tempe on the same weekend when it is thought that the pod was planted.

As word of Lieberman's extraterrestrial nature spread throughout Washington, many of the senator's colleagues commented off the record that they weren't surprised and that it is the only practical explanation for his bizarre and irrational behavior over the last eight years. When questioned whether this would effect his chairmanship of the Senate Committee on Homeland Security and Governmental Affairs, Majority Leader Harry Reid said, "Of course not. Joe is my friend and even though he may not be a Democrat or even a human being, I don't see how that is a hurdle to his continuing as chairman."

Scientists at MIT are continuing to run tests on a variety of other public figures and, off the record, have told Assimilated Press that preliminary samples have shown that President Bush, Vice President Cheney, Supreme Court justices Roberts, Scalia, Thomas, Alito and Kennedy, as well as media personalities Tim Russert, Brian Williams, Terry Moran, David Broder along with practically the entire White House press corps have all the primary indicators that confirm they are pod people.

Assimilated Press will continue to report on this story as more information becomes available.

McCain Chews Off Arm To Escape Bush's Embrace

Washington, D.C. - John McCain, who was participating in a photo-op in front of the White House to be used for the Fall campaign, was clearly surprised when President George W. Bush popped out of the Oval Office and warmly embraced him. The mortified senator, who was obviously uncomfortable being seen so closely entwined with the enormously unpopular president, had a terrified look in his eyes as a group of photographers approached.

While trying to maintain an air of dignity, McCain pulled, pushed, poked and pleaded with Bush to release him, all to no avail as the president continued to keep a firm grip on the senator's right arm. Finally, with cameras closing in and seeing no other choice for his political survival, John McCain chewed off his arm just above the elbow and ran to a nearby SUV to complete his escape.

Shortly after the incident, aides to the senator reclaimed McCain's right arm which was then reattached during successful surgery. The photo-op was rescheduled for next week when aides to McCain were assured that the president would be in Crawford, Texas clearing brush.

Chief Justice Roberts In Drunken Brawl

Washington, D.C. - Assimilated Press has just learned that Chief Justice John Roberts, Justice Anton Scalia and Justice Clarence Thomas went on a drunken debauched spree to celebrate their recent Indiana voter registration ruling that effectively serves to disenfranchise millions of Democratic voters in time to help the Republican Party for the 2008 presidential election.

Witnesses to the spectacle, which occurred at the exclusive Morton's Steakhouse in the capital, say that lobbyists from Exxon Mobil and General Electric provided the three supreme court justices with a steady stream of champagne, scotch, filet mignon and call girls. As the night wore on, the three men grew increasingly boisterous and began shouting at the other patrons in the restaurant. Finally, all civility and control seemed to break down when two scantily clad women hired by Exxon Mobil did a lap dance for the Justices and then hung a banner from their table that read, "MISSION ACCOMPLISHED-ELECTION 2008."

When asked to comment on the meaning of this message by an older female customer at a nearby table, Roberts angrily said, "What do you think it means, you stupid bitch? After Indiana and Gore v. Bush, it should be obvious now. If you're Black, poor or even look like you might be a Democrat, you better not even try to fuckin' vote or we'll put your stinkin' ass in jail and throw away the God damn key."

Chief Justice Roberts then jumped up from his seat and pummeled the older woman until she was unconscious. He then vomited on a nearby table while Justices Scalia and Thomas requested something off the menu from their call girls.