Friday, June 30, 2006

Bush Statue To Be Added To Lincoln Memorial

Washington, D.C. - An official decree released today from the Ministry of Exalted Figures instructs the Department of Homeland Security to begin immediate construction of a statue honoring our war time president and commander in chief, George W. Bush. Because the statue must be finished in time for the inauguration ceremonies signifying the start of President Bush's third term in 2009, the decree authorizes the use of prison labor and illegal immigrants who will be given a six month stay before being deported.

Searching for the perfect location for the presidential likeness was not easy. Washington, D.C. is filled with many monuments and the best locations have already been taken. That is why the president, himself, decided on placing his statue in the Lincoln Memorial. Bush's statue will be positioned to show him standing next to Lincoln with his hand on the sitting president's shoulder.

The Lincoln Memorial will henceforth be known as the Bush-Lincoln Memorial.

Thursday, June 29, 2006

White House: Parts Of Constitution Written In Invisible Ink

Washington, D.C. - The White House announced today that many of the controversial policies and decisions made by the Bush administration are based on sections of the United States Constitution that are written in invisible ink. This surprising statement was meant to allay fears that the President had overstepped his authority by his use of signing statements, the sanctioning of torture on prisoners and the wholesale spying on innocent Americans without probable cause.

Attorney General Alberto Gonzalez said "the authority for the President of the United States to use any power he deems necessary in his role as Commander in Chief is explicitly cited in the Constitution. The relevant paragraphs granting this authority have been overlooked for over two-hundred years because they were written in invisible ink by Thomas Jefferson who did not want them to be seen by enemies of the Republic. However, thanks to special glasses manufactured by Diebold Incorporated, members of the Justice Department who have the necessary security clearance, can now view the Constitution in its entirety which is how we reached our decision that President Bush has unlimited and unfettered power."

Gonzalez continued "However, because Diebold holds proprietary rights to these special viewing glasses their use is restricted to only President Bush, Vice President Cheney, myself and a few aids. Therefore, these sections of the Constitution will remain secret and classified."

Wednesday, June 28, 2006

Halliburton Luxury Resorts & Spas Coming To Your Community

Houston, Texas - Halliburton and the Department of Homeland Security jointly announced today that, in response to the demand created by recent immigration and security laws, funding has been approved by Congress to begin construction on forty new Halliburton Luxury Resorts & Spas throughout the United States. This will mean that Halliburton will now have fifty-two resorts scattered across the nation.

These heavily secure vacation getaways come equipped with the latest technology for personal entertainment including a camera to record your every move, twenty-four hour continuous lighting, and for those discerning music lovers, nonstop recordings of Ted Nugent playing at 120 decibels. Plus, each room is a spacious ten feet by ten feet and features a standard issue mattress and drab gray cinder block walls for that spartan look that is so in these days.

Recreational activities include water-boarding, hanging upside-down while handcuffed to a pipe, sexual humiliation and general degradation. For those who like animals, German Shepherds are on the premises and will be making nightly rounds.

Halliburton spokesperson Paul Loot said "We hope you enjoy your stay and especially the time you spend in our new improved Suite 101 that is part of every Halliburton Resort & Spa. We are confident that, by the time you check out, you will be a different person than the one that arrived."

Tuesday, June 27, 2006

Bush Declares New York Times Enemy Combatant

New York, New York - On orders from President George W. Bush, the U.S. Army early this morning set a barrier of barbed wire and concrete blocks around The New York Times Building effectively sealing off the area to prevent anyone from leaving or entering. No food, water or supplies of any kind will be allowed in. This action was taken in response to the Times publication of a story that revealed that the Bush administration was spying on the financial activities of Americans without any court order or oversight.

In announcing his decision to blockade The New York Times Building, Bush stated "I am not only the decider. I am the protector and I need a free hand to protect the American people from evil doers. You know that saying, 'You've got to break a few eggs to make bacon.' Well, that's what I'm doing. And this here New York Times is gettin' in my way. Sure, they've been good to me over the last 6 years but I need them to be fair and balanced 24/7, no gettin' off the reservation, if you get my meaning. We need reportin' like the kind Judy Miller did, not this investigative stuff that tells people what we're really doing."

Later in the day, Vice President Dick Cheney said "the blockade will continue until all reporters and executives of The New York Times unconditionally surrender. They will then be sent to Guantanamo for interrogation. Once they sign confessions they will be re-educated and released."

In a clarification released several hours later, press secretary Tony Snow said that "Elizabeth Bumiller and a few other select reporters will be allowed to come and go as they please since they have been such good friends of the administration."

Monday, June 26, 2006

Iranian President Sends Bush Flowers

Tehran, Iran - Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad today sent President George W. Bush a dozen roses, a box of Whitman's chocolates and a thank you card in appreciation for the Iraq war. Ahmadinejad said "George W. Bush is the best friend the Iranian government has ever had. For many, many years we were at war with Iraq, millions died, and yet Iraq remained out of our grasp. Now, thanks to my good friend, George, we control Iraq and will soon turn it into a fundamentalist state run from Tehran. We owe all of this to one person, President George W. Bush."

Citing national security concerns, the White House refused to comment on these gifts from the President of Iran. Press Secretary Tony Snow did say, however, that "President Bush spent a full three-hour work day protecting the American people from evil doers before departing for a month long vacation to his 'ranch' in Crawford, Texas."

Saturday, June 24, 2006

White House Reliance On Buffoons & Demagogues Causing Shortage

The Bush administration's heavy reliance on buffoons and demagogues for high positions in government has led to a serious shortage of buffoons and demagogues in the private sector. This is causing concern among industry executives. E. M. Bezzel of Amalgamated General Industries Inc. stated at a recent business conference in the Bahamas that "No other administration in modern history has employed so many people of such limited talent. This has caused us a lot of difficulties and greatly reduced our employee base. We need those people to overlook our mistakes and rubber stamp our decisions. They can't all be in government"

Although this shortage has been felt by most businesses outside of the government, Fox News and other cable organizations continue to enjoy a well-stocked inventory of buffoons and demagogues. However, even they are feeling the strain as many of their buffoons and demagogues migrate to lucrative positions in the White House. These positions in the Bush administration are highly sought after because they come with an extremely generous benefits package that includes cash payments, luxury vacations and the occasional services of high priced prostitutes.

Friday, June 23, 2006

Halliburton Given Contract to Develop Fuel From Human Remains

Houston, Texas - Representatives from Halliburton announced today that they have received a no-bid government contract to develop fuel from human remains. In presenting this to the public, Halliburton emphasized the importance of moving from oil and other fossil fuels to a new more reliable energy source in order to meet the future needs of Halliburton.

Halliburton spokesperson Paul Loot said "The world is running out of oil. We need to come up with bold new ideas that will continue to bring profits to the company and please our shareholders. Fortunately, we have a reliable partner in the Bush administration to help us meet our yearly revenue goals"

Shortly after the announcement in Houston, President George W. Bush signed an executive order transferring ownership of the bodies of the recently deceased from the immediate families to Halliburton. In addition, this executive order authorizes funeral homes to be used as collection centers for Halliburton. Of course, grieving families will be allowed to have a brief service for their loved ones before they are confiscated for processing.

In signing the executive order, President Bush said "This is a national security issue and, as your national security war president, I feel it is necessary to turn over your dead relatives to Halliburton where they can be put to good use. I mean, think about it. Would you rather have grandpa in the ground feedin' worms or in the gas tank where he could do some good?"

Epidemic Of Feral Children In America

Unsupervised gangs of screaming children have overrun suburban communities nationwide causing disruptions and disturbing the peace. These feral adolescents maraud through neighborhoods on skateboards, scooters, and bicycles. They are known to emit ear-piercing screams at regular intervals and are completely undisciplined which gives them a feeling of absolute omnipotence.

Childhood psychologists such as Dr. Boyden T. Benton of the Harvard Institute of Adolescent Bad Behavior are concerned, "These children have no grounding. They are uncivilized. All they do is scream and eat sugar. This is having very serious consequences. We are seeing children as young as five years old who are completely deaf and suffering from diabetes. Furthermore, test scores for American children are plummeting to the lowest levels ever recorded undermining the nation's lead in science and technology." Dr. Benton then said "Many of these problems stem from a lack of good role models."

When informed of this issue and the substantial negative impact to the country, President George W. Bush screamed, cried, rolled on the floor and threatened to hold his breath until America regained its dominance in the world.

Thursday, June 22, 2006

Telcos To Market Private Conversations As Reality Radio

San Antonio, Texas - A consortium of telecommunications companies led by AT&T, Verizon, and BellSouth today announced that they were combining resources to produce a new nationwide reality radio program based on the unauthorized private telephone conversations of their customers. Representatives of the consortium pointed out that this information had originally been gathered to assist the Bush administration and the NSA in its covert project to spy on ordinary Americans and that the companies involved felt that it presented a spectacular business opportunity that opened up a completely new revenue stream.

Acknowledging that this type of information had previously been considered private and off-limits, Bill M. Moore, a spokesperson for the consortium said "Hey, that's before we got the green light from Bush, Cheney and Gonzales. Anyway, this stuff is too good not to use. I mean, we're talking family arguments, gossip, backstabbing, phone sex, medical information. The deepest darkest secrets people confide to their closest friends and family. Hell, it's pure gold. How could we not use it?" Laughing, he continued "besides, what are our customers going to do, sue us?"

The name of the new reality radio program is "Privacy, Smivacy! We Know Your Secrets and Now Everybody Else Does Too."

Wednesday, June 21, 2006

Bush Pardons Himself For Crimes Past, Present & Future

Washington, D.C. - President Bush today issued a pardon to himself for all crimes he has committed in the past, for crimes he is currently committing and for crimes he intends to commit in the future. In addition, Bush issued pardons to Scooter Libby, Dick Cheney, Karl Rove, Donald Rumsfeld, Condaleeza Rice, Alberto Gonzales, Colin Powell, Jeb Bush, his wife Laura and the twins. In announcing these unusual blanket pardons Bush said "You can't be too careful. There would be hell to pay if anyone ever found out two-percent of what we've been doing for the last six years."

Tuesday, June 20, 2006

Exxon Mobil Acquires 3 Additional Senators & 1 Supreme Court Justice

Irving, Texas - Exxon Mobil today announced the successful acquisition of three US senators and one Supreme Court justice. Discussions regarding this acquisition had been held up until a price and bonus package could be agreed upon by all parties.

Commenting on the prolonged negotiations, I. M. Waistfull, a high ranking executive at Exxon Mobil said "Purchasing a senator or a judge is a lot more difficult than it used to be. A few years back all you had to do was buy them a house, give them a suitcase filled with cash and promise them a seat on the board of directors when they left office. Now, they want stock options, trusts for their children and vacation homes in Hawaii. Still, all in all, it is a great return on our investment. No doubt about that."

This latest addition of political assets means that Exxon Mobil now owns controlling interest in 58 senators and 5 Supreme Court justices.

Monday, June 19, 2006

Karl Rove Declares Victory Over Truth

Washington, D.C. - Karl Rove, in a joint appearance with President Bush and Vice President Dick Cheney on the White House lawn, today declared victory in his long war over truth. Said Rove, "There were times when I wasn't sure I would be able to pull it off but with the help of Fox News, MSNBC, CNN and all of my other team members in the media I was able to deliver a crushing blow to the truth from which it will never recover."

Rove, in an obviously jovial mood after narrowly avoiding indictment, continued "But there are others I have to thank as well, great leaders who have shown me the way. First and foremost among them is Joseph Goebbels. Without the big lie technique we would never have been able to stop the count in Florida in 2000 or keep all of those Black people from voting in Ohio in 2004. Hell, without the big lie we would've been sunk a long time ago. And, of course, I would be remiss if I didn't thank my patron saint, Senator Joseph McCarthy, one of the great pioneers of the fear and smear tactic. I want all of the young people out there to remember this important lesson, it is all about winning at any cost. Ethics, morality and the common good are just hurdles to be overcome."

Rove was then joined by Bush and Cheney as they loudly began singing "We are the Champions." When they finished the song they received a thunderous round of applause from the assembled White House press.

Sunday, June 18, 2006

Bush: Attack of Jackalopes Imminent!

Washington, D.C. - The White House announced today that an organized attack by jackalopes was imminent and that it presented an immediate threat to the safety and welfare of all Americans. George W. Bush, in an interview with Brit Hume of Fox News, said "We know for certain that the jackalopes have formed an alliance with Al Qaeda and that these jackalopes are determined to strike us. You have to remember, these are clever creatures and are very devious which is why I am declaring a state of emergency and suspending all local, state and federal elections until I, as your war president, have completely eliminated the jackalope threat to destroy America."

Senators and representatives of both parties quickly lined up to support the president. Senator Spector said "I am in favor of liberty and civil rights but in the face of this terrible threat from jackalopes, I think it is a prudent thing for the president to suspend elections and constitutional protections." This view was echoed by Senator Lieberman who said "What good are freedoms if we are all dead from a vicious jackalope attack? I say it is time to rally around our president."

Cable news outlets prominently featured this story on a 24 hour basis with special programming reflecting the grave danger Americans are under. Fox News led under the banner "Jackalopes: The Enemy Within." MSNBC's banner was "Operation Destroy Evil Jackalopes." And CNN's banner was "Ending the Tyranny of the Jackalopes."

As the Department of Homeland Security raised the threat level to Orange, President Bush's final words to Brit Hume were "Be afraid, very afraid, but go on with your daily business and for god's sake, keep shopping."

Saturday, June 17, 2006

Republicans Would Rather Eat A Vegetarian Than Be One

An Assimilated Press poll released today found that, when offered a choice, 98% of self-identified Republicans would rather eat a vegetarian than become one. This startling statistic coincides with a decision by the meat industry to launch a new Eat Vegetarian advertising campaign. The meat industry will call vegetarians the "new white meat" that is low in cholesterol and high in protein. Other advantages to a vegetarian diet are that most vegetarians are grain fed and free ranging.

Friday, June 16, 2006

Nation Stunned As Bush Tells Truth

Washington, D.C. - The Washington press core, gathered dignitaries, American citizens and people the world over were stunned yesterday when they heard President Bush say something that was true. This highly unusual event occurred at a White House party in honor of Lee Raymond, chairman of Exxon, who is receiving a 400 million dollar retirement package.

During the course of the dinner, Bush introduced the First Lady from the podium and said "This is my wife, Laura." This caused a great deal of excitement in the room and was quickly reported to the world by the Assimilated Press. It turns out that this is the first true statement that President Bush has made since he was inaugurated. Senator Harry Reid said, "I don't think I have ever been so shocked. I didn't think it was possible for anything but a lie to leave his lips." Leaders all over the world are wondering if this is the beginning of a trend or just a one time slip. However, not everyone was pleased with this development. Prime Minister Tony Blair was heard to remark, "Oh, good God, now people are going to expect me to say something that is true once in a while."

Reporters for Assimilated Press remain on the scene to report if there are any other truthful statements to emanate from the White House.

Knock, Knock, Not

Instructions on how to act when the police crash unannounced through your door at midnight as newly authorized by the US Supreme Court.

Don't panic. Don't run. Don't make any sudden moves. Don't look the authorities directly in the eyes. Make sure your papers are in order. Speak only when spoken to and in a respectful manner. Always end every sentence with "sir." Apologize even if you did nothing wrong. Have your entire family recite The Pledge of Allegiance without missing a word and in perfect harmony. Make sure your American flag is prominently displayed in the living room. Do not have any books, videos or CDs by known subversives such as Michael Moore, Albert Gore, The Dixie Chicks, George Clooney, Kurt Vonnegut, William Shakespeare, etc., etc. Calmly tell the authorities that you support George W. Bush, that you believe in a Christian God, that you think homosexuality is an abomination and should be outlawed along with the Democratic Party.

If you do everything on this list your chances of being tortured and held without charges will be dramatically reduced. If you do not follow these instructions prepare for a long stay at your nearest Haliburton Resort & Spa.

Thursday, June 15, 2006

Supreme Court: Midnight Kidnappings of US Citizens Legal

Washington, D.C. - The Supreme Court ruled today that every man, woman and child is guilty until proven innocent and therefore any action taken against any citizen of the United States by any government authority is constitutional. Chief Justice Roberts reading from the majority opinion said "Hey, you got nothing to hide than you shouldn't worry about the government breaking down your doors at midnight and kidnapping you for further interrogation. If the authorities are unable to find any evidence or exact a confession, you will be released in less than 18 months."

Cheney's Diseased Heart Removed

Washington, D.C. - Today, doctors at Georgetown University Hospital removed Vice President Dick Cheney's heart. The operation went smoothly and later in the day Cheney was released from the hospital when it was established that the absence of a heart had no effect on his condition. Said Cheney, "I feel great! If I had known that I didn't need the old ticker I would have gotten rid of it long ago." Doctors were amazed that the removal of Cheney's heart produced no noticeable change in his behavior and called it unique in medical history.

Wednesday, June 14, 2006

Constitution Declared Top Secret & Classified

Washington, D.C. - The White House announced today that, as part of its policy of classifying material that was previously available to the public, the Constitution of the United States and the Declaration of Independence have been reclassified as top secret and will no longer be available to those with less than a top security clearance. All libraries and schools must remove all copies and any references to these documents from their collections and text books. Private residences that have copies of the Constitution and Declaration of Independence must immediately destroy these documents. Failure to comply with this new reclassification directive will result in relocation to the nearest Halliburton Resort and Spa in your area.

Bush Swims the Yangtze River

Major news outlets including Fox News, MSNBC and CNN are reporting that President Bush demonstrated his great physical prowess and leadership abilities by swimming across the Yangtze River. Shortly thereafter, Bush declared himself President for Life.

Feingold Gives Bush Wedgie

Washington, D.C. - Senator Russ Feingold of Wisconsin, during a White House ceremony, surprised everyone present by walking up to President George W. Bush and giving him one of the most intense wedgies ever seen. Bush remained frozen with a pained look on his face as he muttered "mommy" over and over again in a high pitched voice. Startled onlookers and the secret service at first seemed confused and hesitant to react. Gradually, when they all realized the scope of what had just taken place, they erupted into laughter. Feingold then said, "Hell!, That was even better than a censure resolution!"

Moments later, Senator Joe Lieberman rushed to Bush's aid and undid the horrific wedgie. A clearly relieved Bush showed his gratitude by kissing the beaming Lieberman on the lips in what can only be described as an act of manly bipartisanship.

Republicans Oppose Masturbation Before Marriage

Washington, D.C. - The Republican Party announced today that opposition to masturbation before marriage will be in the party platform for the 2006 election. Rick Santorum, who introduced the measure, said "It is important to think only good pure thoughts and not to think about Ann Coulter shoving a dildo up Bill O'Reilly's ass. I mean, um, um, is this being recorded? Can we erase what I just said? Yeah, just the last part. Good." Santorum went on to say that "sex is dirty but masturbation is okay after marriage if it is done in a locked room while reading The Weekly Standard or Wall Street Journal."

To discourage masturbation before marriage, the Republican National Committee has begun distributing life size posters of Rush Limbaugh and Kate O'Beirne frolicking in the nude which when hung on bedroom walls has been shown to be 100 percent effective in stopping all sexual activity (side effects include nausea and a disrespect for humanity).

Bush Looks In Mirror, Doesn't See Reflection

The White House was thrown into a state of panic earlier this afternoon when Bush passed by a mirror and could not see his own reflection. The Secret Service, FBI and CIA were all called in a frantic attempt to locate the missing reflection. Unfortunately, they were unsuccessful. Bush was said to be in a state of emotional shock at his lack of a mirror image. Even Laura was unable to comfort him as he curled up on the floor in the fetal position and wept uncontrollably. Dick Cheney, tried to console the President by saying "I don't see what the problem is. I haven't seen my reflection in years."

Tuesday, June 13, 2006

Election Results are in for 2006

In an unusual departure from tradition, Diebold Inc. today announced the results of the 2006 congressional races months before any actual votes have been cast or tabulated. As predicted by Fox News, Republicans did surprisingly well and have not only maintained their majorities in both houses but have slightly added to their numbers. In the Senate, Republicans gained one seat with Hillary Clinton's loss to Britney Spears. In the House of Representatives Republicans gained two seats with the election of the Bush twins who eked out narrow victories over the Barbi Twins.

Ken Mehlman, a spokesperson for Diebold, said "the old way of doing elections is so archaic. This new technology from Diebold that counts the votes before they are cast saves money and time. It is the wave of the future."

Bush Switches to Democratic Party

In a brilliant political move, Karl Rove has convinced President George W. Bush and Vice President Dick Cheney to leave the Republican Party and become Democrats. According to Rove, all of the failed policies of the Bush administration can now be blamed on the Democrats.

Regarding the debacle in Iraq, Rove said, "It was authorized by a Democratic president and vice president so the blame belongs to the Democratic party." Rove continued with a long list of items such as ballooning deficits, condoning of torture, environmental poisoning, all of which he blamed on the Democratic Party. Rove said the game plan for the congressional elections of 2006 is now to run again the Democrats who lied America into an unjust and illegal war in Iraq while supporting ruinous financial policies and creating a culture of corruption. Rove expects to gain Republican seats in both the house and senate with this new turn of events. Rove was also mum about whether Bush and Cheney would switch back to the Republican Party after the 2006 elections.

Paris Hilton Named New Anchor of NBC Nightly News

In a transparent attempt to compete with the naming of Katie Couric as the new CBS Evening News anchor, NBC today announced that they were replacing Brian Williams with Paris Hilton. Excited NBC executives said that they believe "Paris has the gravitas and experience necessary to read phonetically spelled words off of a teleprompter." They also believe that this will help to encourage more viewers in the desired younger demographic. General Electric, the parent company of NBC, was said to be pleased with the decision and will look forward to many more stories on fashion, partying and sex while issues such as war, torture, corruption and the military industrial complex will be rightfully left to the fringe media commonly known as the blogs.

Bush Adds Signing Statement to US Constitution

It was revealed today that President George W. Bush offered a statement which is meant to be attached as an addendum to the United States Constitution. It reads as follows:

I, George W. Bush, President of the United States, do hereby declare that, from this point on, the Constitution of the United States shall be solely interpreted by the Unitary Executive (me) and that I shall enforce those elements and amendments as I see fit in my role as Commander-in-Chief. There will be no appeal. As Commander-in-Chief my decisions are final and cannot be reversed or overruled by either the judicial or legislative branches of government.