Senator Rockefeller Offers Amnesty To Himself

Washington, D.C. - In a highly unusual move for a sitting member of congress, Senator John D. Rockefeller of West Virginia today offered himself and his entire staff amnesty which he included in the newly revised FISA bill. This amnesty is meant to cover any and all criminal activities he and his staff may have engaged in such as the taking of bribes and the violation of his oath of office to protect the Constitution.

In response to criticism over this action, Rockefeller stated, "Hell, I was thinking why shouldn't I give myself and my staff amnesty. I mean, I'm doing it for the telecommunications companies and they've violated way more laws than I have. Anyway, let's get real here. This is America, the law isn't meant to apply to people like me and our benefactors. Laws are only for ordinary people who are like little children who need to be spanked now and then."

Excerpt From Bush Bunker Interview (coming soon)

Virt: Mr. President, what do you feel your greatest accomplishment will be when your term finally comes to an end in January of 2009?

Bush: Who said anything about my term ending? Dick says I can stay as long as I like.

Virt: Mr. President, the Twenty-Second Amendment to the Constitution limits you to two terms in office.

Bush: Like that's a problem.

Virt: But there is going to be an election in 2008 to select the next president.

Bush: Maybe and maybe not. We haven't decided yet. Anyway, it's not like elections matter. We proved that in Florida and Ohio. What matters is who you got sitting on the Supreme Court, and we're covered there.

Today's Daily Quiz: October 28, 2007

Has the Bush/Cheney regime, with the help of corporate media, turned America into a banana republic?

Previous DQ: Is the Democratic Party of Harry Reid and Nancy Pelosi so cowardly and corrupt that it is beyond redemption?
Answer: Many fine answers. Check them out here.

Publisher's note: There was some disagreement as to whether or not the Pelosi/Reid Democratic congress was truly cowardly and corrupt. America Jones and joe think that this congress is aggressively pursuing the war policies of the Bush administration and is not acting cowardly on that score. I would simply reply that, in the case of this congress, being cowardly and corrupt go hand in hand. Many Democratic senators are taking bribes from major transnational corporations and members of the military industrial complex in exchange for their votes and for letting their lobbyists write the legislation. This is not brave. It is corrupt, albeit legal. At the same time, most Democrats in congress are afraid of taking any principled stand lest they be called weak or treasonous by the pundit class and corporate media. That is cowardice. Being brave is standing up to bullies, even when you are by yourself. Lately, Chris Dodd has shown some bravery but that is just a drop of rain in the middle of a severe draught.

Coming Soon: An Interview With President Bush From Inside The Bunker

Undisclosed Location - Virt is on a very important assignment and has been incommunicado for several days due to the severe restrictions he is operating under. Hopefully, he will soon be providing a no holds barred in-depth interview with George W. Bush from inside the presidential bunker.

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Today's Daily Quiz: October 24, 2007

Is the Democratic Party of Harry Reid and Nancy Pelosi so cowardly and corrupt that it is beyond redemption?

Previous DQ: If you could say one thing to Nancy Pelosi and Harry Reid what would it be?
Answer (thanks to Lilith): I'm afraid the time for words is past. Time for pitchforks.

Publisher's note: Take a look at the other answers here. GeorgiaBlue and Steaming Pile have some practical advice.

Speaker Pelosi Carrying Bush's Love Child

Washington, D.C. - Rumors about Speaker Nancy Pelosi and President George W. Bush engaging in a passionate love affair have been circulating around Washington ever since she became speaker of the house and used her position to enable the President to continue the war in Iraq as well as his assault on the rule of law and civil liberties. This gossip reached a crescendo today when Pelosi harshly reprimanded Representative Pete Stark for his comments on the floor of the house in which he criticized President Bush for denying health care to needy children while sending troops to die in a war based on lies for his vain glory.

Political observers have surmised that no honest speaker of the house would attack their own party member for speaking the truth against the opposition unless that speaker was fundamentally compromised in some way. That is why most people are assuming that the rumors of a Bush Pelosi dalliance are true.

Now, Assimilated Press has learned through carefully cultivated sources within the White House that not only is this rumor true but that Speaker Nancy Pelosi is pregnant with the president's child. We have also independently verified this with several of Pelosi's closest associates who have told us that the speaker has delivered an ultimatum to the president forcing him to choose between her and the First Lady or else she will take action to end the Iraq war and restore the Constitution.

Assimilated Press will bring you more details on this fast moving story as they occur.

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Dick Cheney Has Pictures Of Senator Reid & Ann Coulter

Washington, D.C. - All of Washington is abuzz with rumors that Vice President Dick Cheney is in possession of photographs showing Senator Harry Reid of Nevada and Republican columnist Ann Coulter engaging in unusual sexual acts that involve farm animals and artificial dessert toppings. People who have viewed the pictures said they were extremely graphic and that they felt personally violated and sickened by them. One reporter from Reuters said, "What Harry Reid and Ann Coulter did with that chicken I did not think was humanly possible."

Confirming the story, representatives of Ann Coulter told Assimilated Press that "although Miss Coulter has had sex with many farm animals, she has never before had sex with a Democrat. However, in the service of her country and for purposes of national security, Miss Coulter acquiesced to a request from the Vice President to seduce the Majority Leader after he was secretly given a date rape drug by an aid from Senator Mitch McConnell's office."

The actions of Vice President Cheney and Ann Coulter proved decisive. Shortly after news of the pictures broke, Senator Reid gave President Bush everything he asked for in the FISA bill when he overrode objections from members of his own party and took the highly unusual action of stating that he would allow a vote to proceed that would give major corporations amnesty for breaking the law and violating the rights of millions of Americans.

When questioned about his sudden capitulation to President Bush, Reid denied that it had anything to do with the rumored pictures as he aggressively defended his actions by saying, "Look, the telecom companies give me a lot of cash and they expect results. This is not about sex. It's about money. As my good friend Nancy Pelosi says, 'If you want to play, you've got to pay.' It's that simple."

Today's Daily Quiz: October 18, 2007

If you could say one thing to Nancy Pelosi and Harry Reid what would it be?

Previous DQ: What movie would best describe America during the Bush/Cheney occupation years?
Answer (once again, thanks to Mike Rappaport): We could be subtle, and use a movie like the Mel Gibson/Julia Roberts "Conspiracy Theory." We could go sci-fi, stretching it a little, and use "The Village of the Damned." But I think it's best to go old school, with a French classic that sums up America under occupation perfectly: "The Sorrow and the Pity."

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Telecoms successfully bribe Senator Jay Rockefeller into giving them amnesty for their criminal acts and the extraordinarily corrupt FCC gives a big wet kiss to media moguls by proposing even more consolidation of ownership. Is there any hope of cleaning up this cesspool?

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All Non-Christians Ordered To Register With Authorities

Washington, D.C. - President George W. Bush today signed an executive order instructing all non-Christian residents of the United States to report for registration at their closest Wal-Mart. There they will be given the option of accepting Jesus which will entitle them to a free order of French fries in the cafeteria followed by immediate release from custody. If they refuse to accept Jesus, they will then be forced to undergo a lengthy registration process which will include an indefinite stay at a regional Halliburton Luxury Resort & Spa.

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Today's Daily Quiz: October 16, 2007

What movie would best describe America during the Bush/Cheney occupation years?

Previous DQ: If the Democrats in Congress give amnesty to the telecom companies who are stuffing cash into their pockets for the purpose of avoiding penalties for illegally spying on Americans, should voters withhold all support and refuse to vote for Democratic candidates in the next election? In other words, if the Democratic Party reaches this level of blatant corruption, should they be abandoned and all support withdrawn?
Answer (thanks to Mike Rappaport): Trying to decide between Democrats and Republicans is like having an election where Gomer Pyle is running against Charles Manson. You just know Gomer won't get anything done, but at least he won't cut your throat while you sleep.

Publisher's note: Erika and kb also had great answers, and America Jones suggested an alternative way to vote. Check them out here.

Lobbyists See No Difference Between Dems & Repubs

Washington, D.C. - They are breaking out the champagne on K Street to celebrate nothing. Yes, that's right. The lobbyists are celebrating nothing, or to be more exact, they are celebrating the fact that, as far as they are concerned, there is no difference between Democrats and Republicans.

Speaking on behalf of the American Society of K Street Lobbyists, ex-congressman and now lobbyist Vin Weber said, "In all honesty, we were concerned when the Democrats took over both houses of Congress. Fortunately, our concern was unnecessary. Now that the Democrats are in charge we have found that nothing has changed except the names and the amounts on the checks we write to the senators and representatives. Pelosi and Reid are no different than Hastert and McConnell. As long as the money keeps coming, we write the bills and they pass them. God bless America."

Assimilated Press tried several times to contact Speaker Pelosi and Majority Leader Reid but they were unavailable for comment. However, Pelosi's office did say that for a sizable donation they would see that she returned our calls within the hour.

Today's Daily Quiz: October 14, 2007

If the Democrats in Congress give amnesty to the telecom companies who are stuffing cash into their pockets for the purpose of avoiding penalties for illegally spying on Americans, should voters withhold all support and refuse to vote for Democratic candidates in the next election? In other words, if the Democratic Party reaches this level of blatant corruption, should they be abandoned and all support withdrawn?

Previous DQ: In an angry outburst, Speaker Nancy Pelosi harshly criticized citizens for exercising their 1st Amendment rights. In view of this, Speaker no longer seems an appropriate title for Pelosi, What would be the appropriate title for Pelosi?
Answer: Looks like you have many new titles for Her Majesty Nancy Pelosi. Check them out here.

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Frank Rich in this New York Times article talks about the destruction of America and the Good Germans among us. Also, Glenn Greenwald writes about the corruption and hypocrisy of Fred Hiatt and the Washington Post. Lots to talk about.

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Lots to talk about. More crimes and high misdemeanors from the Bush administration and Al Gore wins the Nobel Peace Prize. Use the comments section below to tell everyone what's on your mind today.

Today's Daily Quiz: October 12, 2007

In an angry outburst, Speaker Nancy Pelosi harshly criticized citizens for exercising their 1st Amendment rights. In view of this, Speaker no longer seems an appropriate title for Pelosi. What would be an appropriate title for Pelosi?

Previous DQ: We all know the music, but what are the words? Write some lyrics for "Hail to the Chief."
Answer: Wow, really fantastic answers. Read them here.

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Coming Soon: "I Was A Teenage Republican"

The sad but uplifting story of a young man who tragically lost his humanity as a naive recruit in the American Republican Party and how he was able to eventually find redemption once he overcame the shame and horror of his wasted youth.

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Today's Daily Quiz: October 9, 2007

We all know the music, but what are the words? Write some lyrics for "Hail to the Chief."

Today's DQ courtesy of pinko

Previous DQ: Is Speaker Nancy Pelosi actually a Republican who is wearing a Democratic disguise?
Answer: Check out these excellent answers here.

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David Broder Says End Is Near For Democrats

Washington, D.C. - In his latest column in the Washington Post, David Broder, the so-called dean of the White House press corps, declares that the Democratic Party is in its final throes and will soon go the way of the Dodo bird.

Broder does offer one sign of possible salvation for the Democratic Party, especially for those currently serving in Congress. His suggestion is to immediately denounce any policy that benefits the poor and middle class and to also agree to limit the ability of Black citizens to cast their votes. In addition, Broder also thinks that Democrats should agree with President Bush and the Republican Party that the Constitution is no longer valid in these modern times and that democracy is vastly overrated. Otherwise, Broder warns, "The end is near for Democrats."

Bush Cheney Exile Deal Collapses Over Immunity

Washington, D.C. - At the very last minute, just as Air Force One was preparing to depart and 2 billion euros had been okayed for transfer, the deal to exile Bush and Cheney to Saudi Arabia fell through. It appears that the final snag, full immunity for the president and vice president, could not be agreed to by all interested parties.

Sources tell Assimilated Press that the International War Crimes Tribunal in The Hague adamantly refused to go along with any deal that would allow President Bush and Vice President Cheney to avoid prosecution.

Chief Prosecutor Jurgen Laenen of the International Court in The Hague said, "For the sake of history and future generations, there must be a full accounting of all criminal activities that Mr. Bush and Mr. Cheney engaged in and the only way to do this is through a fair trial. Unlike the kangaroo courts that were set up in Guantanamo, Both Bush and Cheney will have access to counsel and they will not be subject to any torture. Once the truth has come out, we will finally be able to get this dark chapter behind us."

In a related development, the Bush administration has added The Netherlands to its list of nations that comprise the Axis of Evil and has also outlawed the importation of Gouda cheese into America.

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Today's Daily Quiz: October 5, 2007

Is Speaker Nancy Pelosi actually a Republican who is wearing a Democratic disguise?

Previous DQ: What would George Washington say to George W. Bush if given the opportunity?
Answer (Thanks to joe): "Mr. Bush, in concurrence with all of the dead presidents here in the afterlife, I'd like to tell you two things: 1) Much to the relief of Misters Pierce, Buchanan, Harding, Coolidge and Nixon who were locked in a five way tie for the worst president ever, you are, with out a doubt, after your veto of expanding health insurance coverage for children and your comments about how joyous it was to be president, now the worst. 2) God doesn't really care who becomes president."

Breaking: Bush & Cheney May Accept Exile To Saudi Arabia

Washington, D.C. - Assimilated Press has learned that President Bush and Vice President Cheney are currently negotiating terms for their exile to Saudi Arabia. It is believed that each man is demanding a minimum of one billion euros and immunity from prosecution. More details to follow.

Today's Daily Quiz: October 4, 2007

What would George Washington say to George W. Bush if given the opportunity?

Previous DQ:MoveOn was recently condemned by the Senate, including the Democratic majority. Barak Obama was in the Senate that same day and participated in agenda items prior to the vote on the condemnation resolution, and he was there later in the day after the MoveOn vote was over. But Obama did not vote either "yes", "no" or "abstain" on the MoveOn condemnation resolution because during this particular vote he suddenly became invisible: what are Barak Obama's other super-powers?
Answer: Apparently Obama is possessed of extraordinary powers. Steaming Pile says "he has super logic-laser vision" and joe says he is a Shape-shifter. Click here to read all of the details.

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Today's Daily Quiz: October 3, 2007

MoveOn was recently condemned by the Senate, including the Democratic majority. Barak Obama was in the Senate that same day and participated in agenda items prior to the vote on the condemnation resolution, and he was there later in the day after the MoveOn vote was over. But Obama did not vote either "yes", "no" or "abstain" on the MoveOn condemnation resolution because during this particular vote he suddenly became invisible: what are Barak Obama's other super-powers?

Today's DQ courtesy of pinko

Previous DQ: It's just about impossible nowadays to distinguish a Democrat from a Republican. What would be a simple way to tell them apart at a glance?
Answer (Thanks to kb and joe): kb said "The Republicans are the ones wearing top hats, spats, and monocles." And joe said "...the same way you can tell worms from snakes. Though still slippery and slimy when wet, Republicans, at least, have a backbone."

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Fox News Given Award By al Qaeda

Karachi, Pakistan - Today, in a festive black tie gala attended by the world's leading terrorists and their state-sponsored supporters, al Qaeda gave its highest honor, the Golden Snake Award, to the Fox News Channel for their "extraordinary contribution in promoting unending war and helping to fuel hatred against America." Speaking on behalf of al Qaeda was Harry Bin Laden, half-brother to his more famous sibling, Osama.

Harry Bin Laden said, "We are forever indebted to Fox News and Rupert Murdoch for their unwavering support. We could not have asked for a better ally. In just a few short years they have done more for our cause than we could have ever expected. They promoted the silly and wasteful war in Iraq which allowed us to grow stronger in Afghanistan and Pakistan while also providing us with a training base and powerful recruitment tool. Quite simply, Fox News has aided al Qaeda every step of the way and for that we are profoundly grateful. Without Fox News and the other media organizations who followed their lead, there would not have been a war in Iraq and we most certainly would have been defeated in Afghanistan. That is why I am proud to present Fox News with the Golden Snake Award, our greatest and most prestigious honor."

Representatives of Fox News were unavailable for comment following the awards ceremony.