Supreme Court OKs Express Line For Republican Voters

Washington, D.C. - In a long anticipated decision, the Supreme Court ruled that states could implement express lines for Republican voters who are overwhelmingly white while Democrats, minorities and older Americans will be forced to wait in long lines, produce three different forms of identification, pledge allegiance to the country and swear on a Christian bible that they are Americans and not illegal immigrants before being allowed to cast their ballots.

In announcing this decision Chief Justice Roberts, who was joined in the decision by Justices Scalia, Alito, Thomas and Kennedy, said, "We were put here by the Republican Party to protect the interests of the Republican Party and their corporate sponsors and that's what we're going to do. I'll be damned if I am going to allow Democrats, coloreds and wetbacks to have the same rights as God-fearing white Christian Republicans."

This Court Will Live In Infamy

Boston Legal takes apart the Supreme Court

Sidney Says

The GOP on the verge of imploding

McCain Selects Jack Bauer For Running Mate

Washington, D.C. - Senator John McCain today officially selected Jack Bauer from the FOX television program 24 to be on his ticket as the Republican vice presidential candidate.

In choosing Jack Bauer to be his running mate, McCain said, "Jack Bauer and I share the same policies and are both willing to do what it takes to make the Fatherland safe from enemies both foreign and domestic. Also, like Jack, I am a man of action and I will not let silly things like the Constitution and Geneva Convention get in the way as I continue the policies of George W. Bush, Dick Cheney and John Yoo into the next administration."

McCain's decision was immediately heralded as a bold, courageous and brilliant choice by media pundits. Chris Matthews of MSNBC said, "Does this guy McCain have balls or does he have balls? I love this guy. I mean, I really, really love this guy. Hell, I would leave my wife in a minute if I could shack up with a maverick like McCain."

David Broder of the Washington Post said, "By choosing Jack Bauer to be his running mate McCain has shown the world he is the only grownup in the race and the only one deserving of the White House."

In response to several queries, McCain said that Jack Bauer's status as a fictional character would not make him any less suitable for public office.

You Talkin' To Me?

"You talkin' to me? You talkin' to me? Then who the hell else are you talkin' to? You talkin' to me? Well I'm the only one here. Who the fuck do you think you're talking to?"

Kiefer Sutherland & Britney Spears Tie The Knot

Malibu, California - Shortly after being released from the Malibu Haliburton Luxury Spa & Resort where he was being treated for exhaustion and inappropriate public behavior, Kiefer Sutherland appeared with Britney Spears at the grand opening of Malibu's first Jack Bauer 24 Torture Salon.

Sutherland and Spears passed out coupons for a free "get acquainted" visit to the salon and demonstrated some of its state of the art US government surplus equipment such as racks, whips, hanging hooks, deprivation chambers, ice baths and other assorted delights for sadomasochists who are anxious to expand their recreational endeavors while learning the latest techniques used by the Bush administration.

In a crowd pleasing climax to the opening event, Kiefer Sutherland tied Britney Spears to a wooden plank and poured water over her face until she promised that she would never release another CD or sing in public again.

ABC = Awful, Banal & Corrupt

In Pa. Debate, The Clear Loser Is ABC

This is why Mickey Mouse is the most hated corporate symbol in the world.

FOX News Salutes Joseph Goebbels

New York, New York - In a large rally at Madison Square Garden, News Corporation (NWS) hosted what it called A Salute to Joseph Goebbels in order to to celebrate and acknowledge the contributions that Goebbels made to the science of propaganda, contributions which have been faithfully followed by FOX News and its on-air personalities who are referred to internally at the network as Ministers of Propaganda.

Speaking to the assembled crowd, News Corp. Chairman and CEO Rupert Murdoch said, "You know, over the years Joseph Goebbels has gotten a bad rap, but we shouldn't let that take away from his many achievements in creating popular opinion and controlling the population of a large industrial nation. He had it down to a science and that is why we at News Corp and FOX News are proud to call ourselves disciples of Goebbels, for he has shown us the way forward, a way which we have fervently followed, a way that has led to enormous wealth and boundless political power, and for that, Joseph Goebbels, we salute you."

At the end of the ceremony, Ministers of Propaganda Bill O'Reilly, Brit Hume and Sean Hannity were each awarded the newly reissued Iron Cross for their achievements in promoting endless war, torture and the redistribution of wealth from the poor and middle class to the richest one-percent of the population.

What's Wrong With Bill and Hillary?

Bill and Hillary's 'Stockholm Syndrome'

Kiefer Sutherland Tearfully Apologizes For Jack Bauer

Los Angeles, California - Actor Kiefer Sutherland, speaking at a gathering of FOX affiliate stations, broke down and sobbingly apologized to the American people for the damage his television persona, Jack Bauer, has done to the nation and world.

As tears flowed down his face, Sutherland said, "I am so sorry, so very sorry for the harm that the television program 24 and my character Jack Bauer have brought to this nation. I had no idea that my actions on this television series would be used by President Bush and those around him to justify and romanticize torture. Sure, we glorify cruelty, humiliation and human debasement on the show, but we thought we were doing it for a good cause, ratings. Please forgive me. Please forgive me."

Shortly after making his remarks, representatives from FOX came on stage and led him into a large black SUV with no windows. Several hours later, a spokesperson for Rupert Murdoch said that "Mr. Sutherland has retracted all of his comments from earlier in the day and that he would now be taking a vacation of undetermined length at a Halliburton Luxury Resort & Spa before returning to his busy schedule shooting new episodes of 24."

Alberto's Only Hope For A Job

Gonzales, Yoo & Ashcroft

Superdelegates Out Supermodels In

New York, New York - In a decision that will have far reaching implications, the Democratic National Committee today announced that the superdelegates will no longer have any say on the selection of the Democratic presidential nominee. Instead a blue ribbon panel of supermodels will make the final selection on who will represent the Democratic Party in November.

Howard Dean, head of the Democratic National Committee said, "Obama and Clinton are out there savaging each other daily while McCain gets a free ride from the media and the superdelegates dither. This is no way to win an election. That is why we made the decision to turn this whole matter over to the supermodels who are, after all, more trusted by the American people than the superdelegates and the media combined."

Speaking on behalf of the supermodels, Kate Moss said, "I want all Americans to know that we take this responsibility very seriously. Even though many of us are not American citizens, we do share a basic belief in 'Life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness', especially the pursuit of happiness. Furthermore, we shall make sure that the next president of the United States is not only knowledgeable about haute couture but will also be able to appear in public without being a national embarrassment like George W. Bush."

Republican Family Values

The Real McCain.

George W. Bush Becomes Synonym For Shit

Oxford, England - In a move that surprised few lexicographers, the Oxford English Dictionary today announced that the phrase "George W. Bush" has now become synonymous with the word "shit."

Professor Elliot Trendwick, president of the International Association of Lexicographers, said "We have been expecting this decision from the experts at Oxford English Dictionary for several years now and we think it is long overdue. It is common knowledge that the name of the 43rd president of the United States has become synonymous with human and animal excrement. In fact, one often hears in daily usage phrases such as 'I have to take a George W. Bush' and 'What a George W. Bushy thing to do' as well as the very popular 'Oh, George W. Bush' and that's just the tip of the iceberg."

It is still not known if the FCC will ban the use of the phrase "George W. Bush" because of its long stated policy of prohibiting words that refer to excrement.

McCain Says Women Should Have Right To Vote

Sedona, Arizona - Senator John McCain, speaking from his wife's sprawling multimillion dollar estate in picturesque Sedona that reporters sometimes refer to as his "cabin", today came out strongly in favor of allowing women to vote in federal and state elections.

Said McCain, "Black people have been able to vote for almost forty years now and I see no reason why we shouldn't give that right to women, provided of course that they are able to provide three different official IDs and are able to complete a competency test given by a poll supervisor the same way they do it for the Black folk."

When McCain was politely informed by Terry Moran of ABC News that women already have the right to vote and that poll tests were ruled unconstitutional, he replied, "No, I'm sure I'm right about this, Terry. You better check your facts."

A shaken and chastised Terry Moran then apologized to McCain for his inappropriate behavior in questioning the senator's grasp of the issues and said it would never happen again. Moran then asked McCain if he could have a second helping of barbecue ribs and another Margarita.

Yoo And The Law

San Francisco - John Yoo now teaches at Berkeley Law School. If you haven't read Professor Yoo's most recently-unearthed memo please do. It is a classic.

With Abbott and Costello reasoning it lays out a legal argument that runs "The president says you are an enemy combatant. Enemy combatants are guilty because the president says so; therefore you are guilty because the president says you are an enemy combatant."

This is the same sort of reasoning as "Socrates is mortal; all men are mortal; therefore Socrates is a man." Except that, based on this same reasoning, Socrates could also be a parakeet because parakeets are mortal too.

Oh, and "the president says you are an enemy combatant" part? It applies to American citizens on American soil.

Yoo goes on to construct an elaborate legal scaffolding that claims there is a pressing need to torture anyone unlucky enough to fall into American hands.

Yoo's memo is more than a twisted apology for torture. Yoo's memo is a blueprint for running a systematic program of institutionalized torture.

Himmler would be proud.

And now, Yoo, at a prestigious law school, teaches other people how to be lawyers, having been offered this position of honor and influence being based on his sterling accomplishments in subverting the law.

Yoo teaching law at Berkeley is like Himmler teaching marketing at Harvard.

Here is some contact info, just in case you feel like making your displeasure known:

Christopher Edley, Jr
Dean of Law
edley@law.berkeley.edu
University of California,
Berkeley School of Law
215 Boalt Hall
Berkeley, CA 94720
Phone: 510-642-6483
Fax: 510-642-9893

John Choon Yoo
Professor of Law
Office: 890 Simon Hall
Berkeley, CA 94720
Tel: 510-643-5089
Fax: 510-642-3728
jyoo@law.berkeley.edu
John C. Yoo's Website

A Uniter, Not A Divider

New York - President Bush has finally acheived his campaign goal of being "a uniter, not a divider." Over 81% of Americans now say the country is seriously off-track.

Professor Martin Ostrowsky, dean of sociology at Betterin U, is enthusiastic about President Bush's acheivement. "It's just amazing," said Dr. Ostrowsky, "I can't remember a time when the country was practically unanimous about a political leader before. Bush has managed to do what no one has. He's brought all Americans of all political persuasions, ages, and economic class together as one, united in our belief that Bush really, really stinks. Big time. Is this a great country or what?"

Great Quote

Timothy Garton Ash wrote in yesterday's Guardian: "Future historians will record that Europe owes much to George Bush. With patient, accomplished statecraft, they will note, he played midwife to a historic unification of eastern and western Europe. His handling of Russia was little short of masterly. At the same time, he built an impressive international coalition to defeat Saddam Hussein. I refer, of course, to Bush the father - George HW Bush. Pity about the son."

Bush Regrets Not Being Able To Fight In Iraq

Washington, D.C. - In a long remorseful soliloquy during an interview given to Brit Hume of Fox News, President George W. Bush said that he regretted that he was too old to fight alongside the troops in Iraq, "You know, I wish I was young enough to be with our brave American soldiers as they do their mission thing in Iraq and kill all those evil-doers. It's very romantic. Chicks love that kind of thing."

As the interview progressed, Bush also said he regretted missing his opportunity to "nail the head cheerleader" at Andover when he had the chance and he also regrets not having had the time to finish reading his favorite book My Pet Goat but that he hopes to finish it one day.

In a related development, the Pentagon today awarded President Bush the Congressional Medal of Honor for his service during the Vietnam War in which he successfully kept the North Vietnamese from invading Alabama while helping the local economy with his whole-hearted support of the liquor industry.

Don't Tase Me to ABBA Bro!

New York - Taser International has unveiled its Taser MPH, a combination Taser and MP3 player. Tucker Yap, spokesman for Taser International explained, "Non-police/non-military consumers wanted a multi-function taser that is compatible with their lifestyles. We thought of a taser-cellphone but a taser-MP3 just seemed right."

For those who say "why not a Taser-camera?", sorry, too late; there already is a taser/video combo which allows the user to relive those wonderful moments watching someone twitch helplessly on the ground. With Tasers now coming in zebra stripes and shocking pink as well as a variety of other designs and colors, Taser International expects that tasers will soon become the hottest new must-have fashion accessory for the well-heeled vigilante.

Other manufacturers in the protective device field are scrambling to catch up to Taser's lead. Uzi plans to offer the Uzi Boy, a combination Uzi-Game Boy allowing users to combine business with pleasure while racking up Casualty Credits for evey kill. Flame-throwers will have a Cool Ray setting for blow-drying and hairstyling, handheld grenade-launchers will come with a popcorn popper option, and Civil War bayonets are being retrofitted with vegetable peelers.

R Presdint Kant Rite Oar Reed Neether

Is Our Children Learning?

John Yoo Endorses John McCain

Washington, D.C. - Former Justice Department attorney John Yoo, notorious for being one of the primary authors of the policy which resulted in the institutionalization of torture during the Bush administration, has formally endorsed Senator John McCain in his bid to become the next president of the United States.

Speaking at a special gathering of the Heritage Foundation, John Yoo said, "Today, I am announcing my strong endorsement of John McCain. Why am I doing this? Well, the answer is simple. When push came to shove, McCain was willing to drop his long stated opposition to torture and instead became one of its greatest proponents. He even voted against a bill he previously supported that would outlaw the use of waterboarding. I say this with complete sincerity, torture and torturers have no better friend than Senator John McCain. Vote for McCain in 2008 and we will torture our way to a better world of freedom and democracy."

How Repressive Regimes Operate

Texas Prosecutes Little Old Ladies for Voter Fraud