Toyota Invents Safety Car

Susono, Japan - Toyota Motor Corporation announced recently that it has developed a safety system which will prevent drivers from running red lights and hitting pedestrians. The apparatus uses a Global Positioning System (GPS) that transmits traffic light status to an oncoming vehicle. If the driver appears to be traveling too fast to stop at the red light the system enables audio and visual warnings. If the car still fails to slow down, the system helps slow the car. For pedestrian safety, the car can detect radio signals from any approaching pedestrian who is using a transmitter device that Toyota plans to market along with the car safety system.

In America, Toyota plans to enable an automatic cell phone disabler which would block all incoming and outgoing cell phone calls while a vehicle is in motion. It also will include a makeup-mobile-alert system so that anyone attempting to apply facial cosmetics or rearrange a hairstyle in a moving vehicle will find the vehicle moving to the side and slowing to a complete stop. Another feature of the American safety system will be the McLert!, a system that detects the unwrapping of foodstuffs with one hand while driving with the other. The McLert! will be refined to include the uncapping of beverage bottles in the near future.

Further embellishments planned for the vehicle safety system include the MapQuestion?, a system that prevents anyone from trying to find out where they are on the map as an exit approaches if the car is in motion, the "I'm Turning Around and Going Home" system designed to prevent driving while distracted by bickering children, the "Cruisin' Saturday Night" system which stops drivers from focusing out the side windows at passing vehicles and pedestrians, and the Doggy Driver in which the car senses the presence of a canine head blocking the driver's side mirror. These systems are in addition to the Breathalyzer, which prevents drunk driving, the Joyrider, which detects underaged, unlicensed driving and the Old Man With A Hat, which prevents people incapable of driving on highways from entering any roadway with a speed limit higher than 15 mph.

Asked if American Toyota factories are also planning to market a device for pedestrians to alert drivers of their approach, American Toyota said they had no plans to market such a device. Tucker Wattanabe, spokesman for Toyota America, said "With all the other safety devices enabled we actually don't think there will be that many people driving."

Written for Assimilated Press by roving reporter pinko

Musharraf Changes Clothes

Islamabad, Pakistan - General Musharraf, also known as President Musharraf, is changing his clothes this week. The uniform and snappy hat, the manifold dazzling medals, the boots and colorful sash will be discarded in favor of a well-tailored suit, sober shoes and a tasteful but dull tie. This fashion switch is due to a change in Musharraf's title later this week as he relinquishes command of the armed forces to take command of the government.

It is rumored that immediately upon assuming his role as president, Musharraf will implement a presidential order awarding civilian medals to all government employees. These civilian medals will be worn on business suit lapels. Government officials with higher positions will be authorized cummerbunds, with certain extremely high officials also qualifying for boutonnieres. The office of the president will be entitled to wear full lapel medals, a cummerbund in the Pakistani national colors, a matching boutonniere, a coordinating silk pocket handkerchief, leather gloves, felt hat with feather and patent leather shoes with spats. The ivory-handled walking stick is optional and used at the president's discretion.

It is still unclear in exactly what way Musharraf's role will change once he assumes his presidential duties. As head of the military he imposed martial law, arrested political opponents, banned media coverage, jailed judges and controlled the military. As head of the government he will appoint the heads of the military, be able to fire the civilian government at will, appoint judges and decide when, or if, elections are to be held.

While it might be difficult for outsiders to understand how Musharraf's influence in Pakistan will vary with his new office, Pakistanis seem very clear on the situation. As Ali Ali Ahksenfree, exiled opposition leader, said yesterday, "Musharraf is changing his title and Musharraf is changing his clothes; that doesn't mean he's changing his spots."

Written for Assimilated Press by roving reporter pinko

Stephen King On Britney, Bush & Waterboarding

Stephen King talks about waterboarding a member of the Bush family, the media obsession with Britney, and fake news organizations like ABC and CNN in this interview.

Personal Note Regarding The Bush Bunker Interview

After my interview with President Bush in the presidential bunker, I was chained and taken blindfolded to a secret destination. After a number of days I was finally released. This is the reason why there have been so few posts recently and why the DQ and Sound Off have been missing. Hopefully, this will be corrected as I complete my recovery from the experience.

Your intrepid reporter, Virt

Statue Of Liberty To Be Fitted With Cattle Prod

New York Harbor, New York - In a move designated to reflect America's shift in priorities during the years of the Bush administration to post-democratic values, President George W. Bush has signed a government edict to replace the torch on the Statue of Liberty with an electric cattle prod.

In signing this edict in a Rose Garden ceremony, Bush announced to the assembled White House press corps that "this refurbishing of the French chick statue in New York Harbor will greet new immigrants as they make they way across the Pacific Ocean and will let them know that they are welcome as long as they behave, follow precise instructions and do not engage in any behavior that goes against God or the Republican Party. As I always say 'spare the electric cattle prod and spoil the immigrant."

Chloe The Clever Turkey Outwits President Bush

Publisher's note: In honor of Thanksgiving we are republishing the heartwarming story of President George W. Bush and Chloe The Clever Turkey. Enjoy!

Washington, D.C. - In the annals of history there have been great epic contests between the giants of the world stage. There was Alexander and Darius III, Napoleon and Wellington, Grant and Lee, Ali and Fraser, the Celtics and the Lakers, and now added to their ranks is the story of President Bush and Chloe the Turkey.

At first, it seemed an obvious mismatch. After all, how could a flightless bird with a brain the size of a pea compete with the President of the world's mightiest nation. Still, it is these events, where one of the participants comes in as a heavy underdog, that legends are made, and so it is with Chloe the Turkey.

It all began on the day of the traditional White House Thanksgiving ceremony where every year a turkey is saved from an early death by a presidential pardon. However, what isn't commonly known is that there are two turkeys sent to the White House before the ceremony, one to be pardoned and one to be eaten. On this day the two turkeys sent were named Gertrude and Chloe. As fate would have it, Gertrude was selected to be saved while Chloe was selected to be served.

Then, on Thanksgiving morning, after the pardoning of Gertrude, President Bush did what he has done every year since he left home at the age of 42. He dressed up in his old National Guard uniform and prepared to personally slaughter the hapless turkey chosen for the Bush family dinner. As the president entered the kitchen carrying a shiny butcher knife, Chloe caught the glimmer of the sharp steel blade and instinctively knew that the end was close at hand unless decisive action was taken. Seizing the moment, Chloe slipped out of tethered rope keeping her captive and lunged at the startled president who turned and tried to escape from the brave turkey as she fought for her life. As President Bush ran from the kitchen and down the hallway, Chloe was in close pursuit and constantly pecked at his now bloody and raw backside.

Responding to the President's screams for help, secret service agents converged on the scene and began firing their weapons at the ferocious fowl causing White House visitors and employees to flee in panic. In the confusion that followed, Chloe spotted an open window and made her move. In two swift motions, she jumped onto a chair and then out of the window. Running as fast has any turkey has ever run before, Chloe headed towards the sun and was never seen again.

With the Bush family Thanksgiving dinner in jeopardy and no turkey to be found at this late date, Chef Jacques Blovel resorted to a drastic measure he had not used since his early days as a cook in a café in Marseilles. He butchered a stray cat found earlier in the day on the White House grounds and stuffed it with the President's favorite sausage dressing. Served with candied yams and healthy portions of mashed potatoes and gravy, the meal turned into a surprising success.

Said Barbara Bush, the President's mother and matriarch of the Bush clan, "Cat tastes better than I thought it would. I think next year we should try one deep fried."

And so ends the story of Chloe the Clever Turkey. The bravest and smartest turkey the world has ever seen.

The Uncensored Bush Bunker Interview

Publisher's note: Although Virt has still not been able to directly contact us and we have no information on his whereabouts, he was able to send us his full uncensored interview with President Bush that took place deep within the bowels of the presidential bunker. This very important interview which follows arrived at our offices on a mini-cassette that was stuffed inside a Mickey Mouse doll manufactured in China that is commonly sold in most Wal-Marts.

Virt: Mr. President, in order to get this interview with you, I had to go through eight hours of security checks that included full body body searches, intensive interrogation and numerous x-rays. Isn't that a little excessive? You are protected down here in your underground bunker.

Bush: Well, Virty Virt, what you went through is standard protocol for anyone who wants to see me, even Laura and the twins have to go through it.

Virt: That does make me feel a little better. However, the obvious question is why do you feel the need to spend so much time in your bunker sealed off from the rest of the world?

Bush: Me, sealed off? Hardly, I get all the news about the world and stuff from Condi and Dick. For instance, I know that they took Britney's kids away from her, that the economy is booming, that Hillary is a lesbian drug running serial killer, that we are winning in Iraq and that the American people love and respect me.

Virt: Cheney and Rice told you all that?

Bush: Yep, and that I am the greatest president of the United States since Abraham Lincoln and Christopher Columbus.

Virt: Mr. President, Christopher Columbus was an explorer, not a president of the United States.

Bush: Virty Virt, you should know better than to contradict me. I got a diploma from Harvard. I damn well know who was president before me.

Virt: With all due respect, many people say that the only reason you got a diploma from Harvard is because you were a legacy admission who got a free pass and didn't even have to attend classes.

Bush: Oh, I see. You are one of those people who discriminate against children of the super rich just because we have everything handed to us on a silver platter and don't have to struggle like the peons who serve us. Well, let me tell you something. Life is harder for us than you realize. It isn't easy being morally superior and privileged.

Virt: Yes, I can see how that would be a burden for you.

Bush: Was that a sarcastic remark. I hate sarcastic remarks.

Virt: No, Mr. President. It was simply an observation.

Bush: Okay then, that's better.

Virt: Since we are on this topic, I guess it would be a good time to point out that your administration is known as the most anti-science administration in the history of the country. For instance, your approach to global warming is contradicted by virtually all of the experts in the world who are not employed by Exxon Mobil.

Bush: Well, that's just elitist nonsense. Everyone knows that global warming is caused by methane gas produced when Islamofascists fart.

Virt: Mr. President, that is an astounding statement. Do you have any evidence to back up that claim.

Bush: Evidence! I'm the president of the United States. I don't need no stinkin' evidence. If I say it is so, then it is so.

Virt: And that is why your critics say your administration is a throwback to the Dark Ages. Many of them point out that your reasoning concerning global warming echoes the Catholic church's refusal to accept Ptolemy's scientifically reasoned conclusion that the earth revolves around the sun and not Copernicus's view that the sun revolves around the earth. They even imprisoned and threatened to torture Galileo over his confirmation of the Ptolemaic system.

Bush: Whoa, whoa, whoa there, Virty Virt. You're throwing around a lot of mumbo jumbo there. I don't know who these characters, Ptolemy and Copernicus are but I do know one thing for sure and that is that the sun does revolve around the earth. Every moron knows that.

Virt: Hmm, perhaps you are right about that. Maybe we should shift gears with another line of questioning. Mr. President, your attorney general got into some difficulty over his inability to say whether or not waterboarding is torture by claiming that he hadn't had enough time to study the issue. You, on the other hand, have not only had enough time to study the issue but you have been intimately involved in its practice. So, I ask you directly, is waterboarding torture?

Bush: I'm glad you asked me that question, Virty Virt because there has been a lot of dismisinformation out there. First of all, let me state that we don't do torture. Now, to answer your question, is waterboarding torture? Of course not. It is a useful technique in our interrogation arsenal. You have to remember, these evil doers are not people but animals and we have to use all the tools at our disposal to keep America safe. By the way, these enhanced interrogations have been very effective.

Virt: Effective? How has waterboarding been effective?

Bush: Well, it has enabled us to uncover serious plots against the United States before they could be carried out. For instance, through the use of waterboarding we have discovered a terrorist plot to use thousands of Jackalopes to invade America from the Canadian border and that's not all. We have also learned of an alliance between al Qaeda and extraterrestrials that planned to unleash giant spiders from Mars to wreck havoc upon the United States of America.

Virt: Jackalopes, giant spiders from Mars, Mr. President, with all due respect, that is just crazy,

Bush: That's not half as crazy as some things I could tell you but won't because they are classified. Anyway, the point is that with our enhanced interrogation methods we were able to stop these attacks before they occurred. We are even more effective than Jack Bauer.

Virt: But Jack Bauer is a fictional character.

Bush: That doesn't change anything. He is an American hero who has saved countless lives through his split second decisions.

Virt: Mr. President, it is a television program. It isn't real.

Bush: That's your opinion. Anyway, the point is, Jack Bauer is a role model, an American hero. We need more men like him. Men who aren't afraid to crawl into the gutter for their commander-in-chief. That's what I look for in my underlings.

Virt: This is all very fascinating, but I see our time is drawing short as is your time remaining in office. Mr. President, what do you feel your greatest accomplishment will be when your term finally comes to an end in January of 2009?

Bush: Who said anything about my term ending? Dick says I can stay as long as I like.

Virt: Mr. President, the Twenty-Second Amendment to the Constitution limits you to two terms in office.

Bush: Like that's a problem.

Virt: But there is going to be an election in 2008 to select the next president.

Bush: Maybe and maybe not. We haven't decided yet. Anyway, it's not like elections matter. We proved that in Florida and Ohio. What matters is who you got sitting on the Supreme Court, and we're covered there.

Virt: You mean, you've already talked about this possibility with Roberts and other members of the Supreme Court?

Bush: Virty Virt, you are so naive. You don't have to talk about this things. Everything is done with a wink and a nod. Anyway, Scalia and the rest of my boys know what I want and how to give it to me. Look at Florida, you think that was an accident?

Virt: But what about the people and their right to have their votes counted? What about the Constitution?

Bush: The Constitution only applies to wealthy landowners, not the poor, Blacks or any person with a foreign sounding name. That is what the Federalist Society calls strict constructionism and that is why I have filled the judiciary with Federalist society members.

Virt: I would love to explore this further but I see that I only have time for a few more questions. So, I would like to change the topic to Iraq.

Bush: Ah yes, my crowning achievement, ask away.

Virt: Mr. President, contrary to what your advisers may be telling you, Iraq is not a crowning achievement. In fact, because of your invasion of Iraq, an invasion based on lies and fear mongering, hundreds of thousands of people have died, the nation is now bankrupt and America is viewed by the rest of the world with revulsion as an immoral country that has institutionalized torture and betrayed every democratic ideal that the United States once stood for.

Bush: Whoa, wait a minute there, Virty Virt. I can see that you’re a half glass empty kind of guy.

Virt: Actually, sir, I am a realist. Surely, you can see the damage that you have done over the last seven years?

Bush: Damage, what are you talking about? Everything has gone according to plan.

Virt: Plan? You mean you planned for all of this to happen?

Bush: Not all of it. Just the important stuff. You know, oil at one hundred dollars a barrel. No more Constitution, a frightened populace, a cowering opposition party. Yep, that is just as we planned it.

Virt: What about the disaster in Iraq and the horrible shape of the American economy, the complete degradation of the environment?

Bush: Oh, we’ve got a plan for that too.

Virt: Really?

Bush: Yes, and it can be described in one word, Armageddon.

Virt: Armageddon?

Bush: Yep, it’s the answer to all of our problems.

Virt: But Mr. President. Armageddon would mean the end of the world.

Bush: Damn right and that’s the beauty of the plan. I and all of my fellow believers would be welcome into the Kingdom of Heaven while all of the savages and other non-Evangelical Christians would roast in Hell. Anyway, Dick, Karl, Condi and me will ride out the worst of it in the bunker. We’ve already invited the CEOs of Exxon, Halliburton, General Electric, Time Warner, and Disney to join us. They all like the plan and have signed off on it.

Virt: Mr. President, the American people are going to be shocked to hear this.

Bush: Oh, don't be silly. The American public will never hear about this plan.

Virt: Mr. President, I am a reporter. They will hear it from me.

Bush: Oh shit! Dick said you weren’t like Russert, Broder and all the rest of them. He said you wouldn’t play along. Now, I’m gonna have to executive order your ass.

Virt: But Mr. President.

Bush: Dick! Dick! Come quick. We have an emergency.

Virt: Mr. President, who are those men with the black ski masks over their faces? Hey, get your hands off of me. Hey, stop that...

Bush: Remember, Virty Virt, being president is never having to say you're sorry.

Another Excerpt From the Bush Bunker Interview

Publisher’s note: We haven’t heard directly from Virt since he descended into the presidential bunker to interview President George W. Bush. However, he has managed to secret out portions of the interview before they could be screened by government censors. The following exchange is the latest installment we have received from our relentless reporter. We hope to have the full unredacted uncensored version shortly.

Virt: Mr. President, because of your invasion of Iraq, an invasion based on lies and fear mongering, hundreds of thousands of people have died, the nation is now bankrupt and America is viewed by the rest of the world with revulsion as an immoral country that has institutionalized torture and betrayed every democratic ideal that the United States once stood for.

Bush: Whoa, wait a minute there, Virty Virt. I can see that you’re a half glass empty kind of guy.

Virt: Actually, sir, I am a realist. Surely, you can see the damage that you have done over the last seven years?

Bush: Damage, what are you talking about? Everything has gone according to plan.

Virt: Plan? You mean you planned for all of this to happen?

Bush: Not all of it. Just the important stuff. You know, oil at one hundred dollars a barrel. No more Constitution, a frightened populace, a cowering opposition party. Yep, that is just as we planned it.

Virt: What about the disaster in Iraq and the horrible shape of the American economy, the complete degradation of the environment?

Bush: Oh, we’ve got a plan for that too.

Virt: Really?

Bush: Yes, and it can be described in one word, Armageddon.

Virt: Armageddon?

Bush: Yep, it’s the answer to all of our problems.

Virt: But Mr. President. Armageddon would mean the end of the world.

Bush: Damn right and that’s the beauty of the plan. I and all of my fellow believers would be welcome into the Kingdom of Heaven while all of the savages and other non-Evangelical Christians would roast in Hell. Anyway, Dick, Karl, Condi and me will ride out the worst of it in the bunker. We’ve already invited the CEOs of Exxon, Halliburton, General Electric, Time Warner, and Disney to join us. They all like the plan and have signed off on it.

Virt: Mr. President, the American people are going to be shocked to hear this.

Bush: Oh, don't be silly. The American public will never hear about this plan.

Virt: Mr. President, I am a reporter. They will hear it from me.

Bush: Oh shit! Dick said you weren’t like Russert, Broder and all the rest of them. He said you wouldn’t play along. Now, I’m gonna have to executive order your ass.

Virt: But Mr. President.

Bush: Dick! Dick! Come quick. We have an emergency.

Virt: Mr. President, who are those men with the black ski masks over their faces? Hey, get your hands off of me. Hey, stop that...

Sound Off!

Use the comments section below to tell everyone what's on your mind today.

Russert Performs Fellatio On Bush While Screwing Clinton

Washington, D.C. - Today, in a Rose Garden ceremony at the White House, President George W. Bush awarded NBC's Washington bureau chief and host of Meet the Press, Tim Russert, the newly issued Iron Cross and a box of breath mints for his unending servicing of the president and vice president during the last seven years.

In presenting the distinguished medal, Bush referred to the General Electric employee by his personal pet name, "Kneepads Russert," and commended him for "Always being there when Dick and I need political cover or just a simple hummer."

Also heaping praise on Russert was Vice President Cheney who said, "Tim is the pet dog I always wanted as a boy. He knows who the master is and always does what he is told without question. That is one of the reasons why the merger of the Republican Party with General Electric has been so successful."

Cheney then complimented Russert for his eagerness in following White House instructions and Republican Party daily memos in his attacks on Hillary Clinton. Said Cheney, "Tim knows that we want Hillary taken down and he follows our orders smearing her character with the same enthusiasm he displays when the president and I tell him to drop to his knees for a command performance. Yep, no question about it, Tim is our bitch and that is why he is wealthy and famous."

Sound Off!

Use the comments section below to tell everyone what's on your mind today.

Today's Daily Quiz: November 1, 2007

Who will be the presidential and vice presidential candidates for both parties in the election of 2008 (assuming there will be an election)?

Previous DQ: Has the Bush/Cheney regime, with the help of corporate media, turned America into a banana republic?
Answer (thanks to kb): Taking a page out of America Jones' book, I look to Widipedia for a clue, and edit to my heart's content:

Banana republic is a pejorative term for:

1. a small, often Latin American, Caribbean or African country that is politically unstable. [The USA isn't in Latin America.]

2. dependent on limited agriculture, and ruled by a small, self-elected, wealthy and corrupt clique. [We're have plenty of agriculture, but the self-elected wealthy corrupt clique part sounds okay.]

3. In most cases they have kept the government structures that were modeled after the colonial Spanish ruling clique, [not guilty here!]

4. a small, largely leisure class on the top and a large, poorly educated and poorly paid working class of peons [but plenty of similarities here!]

5. Frequently the subject of mockery and humour, and usually presided over by a dictatorial military junta that exaggerates its own power and importance. [flight suit, anyone?]

6. A banana republic also typically has large wealth and income inequities, poor infrastructure, poor schools, a backward economy, low capital spending, a reliance on foreign capital and money printing, budget deficits, and a weakening currency. [We're working on it, we're working on it!]

7. Banana Republics are typically also highly prone to revolutions and coups. [We'll have to wait and see on this one.]