Drunken Scalia Begs Nation For Forgiveness

Enid, Oklahoma - Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia, in town to address a national gathering of the Federalist Society, probably wishes he had stayed home instead. According to several eyewitnesses, the evening began to take a turn for the worse when Scalia engaged in heavy drinking at the festivities that followed the meeting. Apparently, after his sixth or seventh Jack Daniel's, the Supreme Court justice became increasingly belligerent and finally stormed out of the convention center when a cocktail waitress refused his advances.

Several hours later, Enid City Police found his abandoned rental car smashed against a light pole and immediately began a city-wide search to find the intoxicated jurist before he harmed himself or anyone else. Their search came to an end a short time later when they found Scalia on the steps of the Church of St. Francis waving his arms wildly and shouting at a group of people gathered on the street.

According to the police report, Scalia was asking these strangers for absolution for his sins against the Constitution and the people of America that resulted from his guiding role in the Bush versus Gore decision. As tears ran freely down his face, Scalia said, "I thought putting George W. Bush in the White House was my duty as a Republican and a Christian. I was so, so wrong. I put my own partisan beliefs above the Constitution and betrayed the country. Forgive me. Please, forgive me."

No charges have been filed against Justice Scalia and there has been no comment from the White House concerning his public outburst.

Bush Plans To Move New Orleans To North Dakota

New Orleans, Louisiana - While visiting New Orleans on the one year anniversary of Katrina, Bush disclosed a novel plan he and his closest aids have developed for the reconstruction of the fabled city. Under this new Bush plan, the entire city of New Orleans will be rebuilt on vacant land thirty miles outside of Fargo, North Dakota.

Halliburton and Bechtel have already been given no-bid contracts totaling 12 billion dollars to begin work on the project. Once the initial phase is completed, displaced residents of New Orleans will be bused to North Dakota where each family will be given a spacious one-room apartment complete with a kitchenette in exchange for an agreement to work for seven years at a nearby Wal-Mart nationwide distribution facility that is yet to be built. Once they have satisfactorily completed their seven years of service, they will be given ownership of their apartments and full citizenship in the newly constructed city which will go by the name New New Orleans.

In explaining the virtue of his plan, President Bush said, "This here is what we call a win-win situation. The government doesn't have to build a new expensive levee system and the people made homeless by Katrina will have a nice place to live and work in beautiful North Dakota where they won't have to worry about hurricanes no more."

In related news, the old city of New Orleans has been sold to a Dubai firm that will run the valuable port facilities and also maintain a small stretch of Bourbon Street as a historical artifact and tourist attraction.

Newborn Babies To Be Slapped With Liens To Cover Debt

Washington, D.C. - The Treasury Department announced today that, starting at the beginning of next year, all newborn babies will be served with liens to cover the accumulated national debt that has reached record levels under the Bush administration's financial leadership. These liens will cover all future earnings of the babies upon whom the burden of the debt will now fall.

Secretary of the Treasury Henry M. Paulson, Jr., while acknowledging that some may view this as unfair to the generations of Americans who are yet to be born, said "Of course, we could craft a policy that would balance the budget, provide health care for all Americans, revitalize the nation's infrastructure and restore fairness to the internal revenue system, and we could do it now. But, let's be realistic, that would mean no tax cuts and no more wars. That just isn't going to happen."

As details of the plan were being released, critics of the new policy marched in front of the Treasury building bearing signs that said, "I'll gladly pay you tomorrow for a hamburger today." Within a few minutes, police arrived and escorted the protesters to the nearest free speech zone at the Washington, D.C. Correctional Facility.

Cheney Spends Vacation Clubbing Baby Seals

Miramichi, New Brunswick - Vice President Cheney, while vacationing in the picturesque Canadian community of Miramichi, decided he could use some relaxing recreation so he joined a group of local hunters on a outing to harvest the pelts of baby seals.

Using a club bearing the vice presidential seal, Cheney took to the task with relish and, in the course of the afternoon, personally clubbed to death 14 baby seals. In one particularly impressive display of clubbing skill, the vice president, with a single swing of his club, dispatched a mother harp seal that was attempting to protect her young pup. Then, with another swing of his club, he knocked the pup unconscious whereupon its pelt was removed.

Obviously pleased with his performance, a blood-stained Cheney joined the other hunters in the time-honored tradition of eating the liver of their prey as a sign of their prowess. Said Cheney, "Eating raw liver from a freshly clubbed baby seal whose heart is still beating is one of the greatest joys in the world. It just doesn't get any better than this."

The vice president is planning to turn this into an annual event and next year will take his wife and daughters along so they can make it a family affair.

Pluto Suffers Major Slap Down

Prague, Czech Republic - First it was called tiny, frigid and distant. Now, in a stunning rebuke from the International Astronomical Union, Pluto has received the unkindest cut of all. It has been relieved of its position as a full fledged planet and downgraded to the humiliating status of a dwarf planet.

How much ignominy must one frozen rock of ice and gas be forced to endure? Well, that depends on whether or not this decision stands. Already, there are several groups forming to defend what they call "Pluto's rightful place in the universe." One organization that has given itself the name Friends of Pluto has sworn that they will do whatever it takes to reverse this decision.

Celeste LeMonde, an amateur astrologist and fragrance therapist who is leading the movement to reinstate Pluto to its former glory, said "Yesterday there were nine planets and now there are only eight. This is just wrong. Who do these scientists think they are, toying with us like this? What will they tell us next, that the universe is just an illusion, a gathering of ethereal gases coalescing into a collective consciousness that has become fragmented through the diffusion of expansion? Well, they can kiss my milky way."

Friends of Pluto and other similar organizations plan to hold major demonstrations this weekend in Europe and the United States to show their support for the much maligned celestial body. Astronomers plan to hold counter-demonstrations at the same times and locations. No violence is expected but authorities will be prepared in the event emotions get out of hand by providing a larger than usual police presence.

USA Flooded With 290 Million Illegal Immigrants

Plymouth, Massachusetts - Archivists in the Massachusetts State Library announced the discovery of a legally binding contract dating from March of 1621 in which William Bradford, leader of the Pilgrims, and Chief Massasoit, leader of the Wampanoag tribe, entered into an agreement that clearly stipulated that the Pilgrims and any immigrants that followed them would only be allowed temporary residency as visiting workers during which time they could cut trees to build houses and till the land to plant crops. However, all Pilgrims and any immigrants who followed would only be permitted to stay for a period of ten years, after which they must return to their country of origin.

It is thought that William Bradford entered into this ironclad contract that limited the extent of their rights and length of residency because he was fearful that without the help of the Wampanoag tribe all of the Pilgrims would perish from cold and famine. For his part, Chief Massasoit took pity on the new arrivals and did not want to see them suffer, although he did not want them to stay any longer than was necessary.

Legal scholars who have studied the document state, without exception, that the agreement between the Pilgrims and the Wampanoag tribe is binding and still enforceable to this day. Professor Lawrence Higgins of the Yale Law School said, "Chief Massasoit was very smart in his use of language. This is a superbly crafted contract that is sure to be upheld in court. Of course, this means that over 290 million Americans will now be classified by law as illegal immigrants and will be subject to immediate detention and deportation to their ancestral country of origin since only the Wampanoag tribe and other native Americans can be considered full citizens now that this document has emerged."

White House press secretary Tony Snow appeared unprepared and refused to answer any questions on this subject during today's press briefing. Also, Karl Rove was said to be meeting with Republican leaders to discuss how this will change their strategy for the fall elections.

Dead Zone Surrounds Crawford, Texas

Crawford, Texas - A group of students from Baylor University accidentally stumbled upon a dead zone centered in Crawford, Texas and the surrounding vicinity. The students were trying to capture honey bees in order to measure the infiltration rate of African killer bees into the local colonies. When they failed to find a single bee within a four mile circumference they grew suspicious. They then began to realize that there were no birds singing, no squirrels climbing trees and no ants crawling on the ground. Furthermore, all of the bushes and plants in the area had lost their foliage and appeared dry and brittle. Upon reporting their findings to their project supervisor, Baylor University dispatched a group of scientists who confirmed that this was indeed a dead zone.

An environmental anomaly, dead zones are areas that are almost completely absent of life and are generally found near scenes of natural or man made catastrophes. It is extremely rare to find one like this where there is no record of any unusual biological occurrence.

Professor Pixly Quigins, a leading expert in advanced biology at Baylor University, postulated that "There appears to be a negative energy at play here, an energy that is inhospitable to all living things. It is almost as though there is an evil presence that is keeping all of God's creatures away. In four days of intense searching all we have been able to find is a diseased rat and two cockroaches."

Christmas Canceled For 2006

Washington, D.C. - In a move that is sure to disappoint millions of children everywhere, perennial gift giver and suspected socialist, Santa Clause, has been placed on the no-fly list and will not be allowed to use American air space. This action has the immediate effect of canceling Christmas for 2006.

The official reason being given by Homeland Security is that Santa is carrying too many packages of a suspicious nature. However, the real reason many people believe Santa has been banned from his yearly aerial mission is his suspected ties to left-leaning groups that believe toys should be freely distributed to children. In fact, recent memos leaked to Assimilated Press show that toy industry lobbyists have been putting pressure on the Bush administration for years to end Santa's yearly toy giveaway. Morgan T Fairweather of the Toy Industry Trade Association said, "Santa has gone too far with this crazy yearly give away of toys. What is he, some kind of socialist nut? We've got toys to sell and Santa is making us look bad."

White House press secretary Tony Snow admitted that President Bush has met repeatedly with top executives of the toy industry. However, Snow said, "the decision to ban Santa from the skies of America was based on security needs alone and has nothing to do with the millions of dollars given to George W. Bush and the Republican party by the powerful toy associations and their lobbyists."

Assimilated Press has also learned that the US Air Force has been given orders to take Santa out if he tries to violate the no-fly ban. As of press time, there has been no comment from the North Pole.

Aspirins For The Sick & Blankets For The Dead

Washington, D.C. - President Bush and several leading Republican members of Congress today unveiled the President's new health care legislation which they say is both compassionate and fiscally sound. Crafted under the guidance of the Heritage Foundation, this plan was formulated to provide a minimum level of coverage for the tens of millions of Americans who can not afford health insurance and end up in hospital emergency rooms or without treatment.

As described by proponents, the plan is very simple and only entails two elements. The first is free aspirin for the sick. The second is free blankets to cover the dead who succumb to their disease or injury. In explaining the benefits of the legislation, acting Surgeon General Kenneth P. Moritsugu said "Aspirin is a very effective treatment for fevers, minor pains and muscle aches. By providing this wonder drug free of charge to all uninsured Americans we will be guaranteeing that, no matter what they are suffering from, they will have a certain degree of comfort. Of course, this will not be much help to those suffering from more severe ailments such as broken bones, heart disease or cancer, but with the war in Iraq and budget constraints the way they are, this is the best we can do."

President Bush, adding to the comments of the acting Surgeon General said, "We Americans are a compassionate people. We don't want to see bodies lyin' in the streets exposed for everyone to stare at. That is why we are providing free blankets to cover the dead so they can be treated with some dignity until they are picked up for disposal by local sanitation crews."

Free aspirins for the sick and blankets for the dead will be available to the uninsured at most post offices and libraries once the legislation is passed by Congress and signed into law by the President.

Bush Announces Amnesty Program For Democrats

Washington, D.C. - In a rare display of generosity and magnanimity to his political opponents, President Bush today announced a general amnesty for all Democrats who are willing to renounce their party affiliation and become Republicans. Democrats who accept this amnesty will have their NSA dossiers deleted and will no longer be subject to random surveillance by the FBI or auditing by the IRS. In addition, reformed Democrats will immediately become eligible for the 10 percent Republican party discount at Wal-Mart.

This program also applies to current members of congress as well as ordinary citizens. Democratic senators and representatives who accept the amnesty offer will retain their seniority and will also receive lucrative positions on the board of Exxon Mobil when they retire. Senators Lieberman, Pryor, and Landrieu are the first to accept this amnesty. More senators and representatives are expected to follow.

As a result of this amnesty offer, Republicans are now expected to maintain their hold on both houses of Congress in the November elections.

Pharmaceutical Giants Reach Agreement With Drug Overlords

Whitehouse Station, New Jersey - A conglomeration of the nation's largest pharmaceutical companies today announced that they have formally reached agreement with the world's leading drug overlords on a lucrative distribution deal that they say will streamline operations and maximize profits.

Through this contractual arrangement with the major drug cartels, Merck, Pfizer, GlaxoSmithKline and Lilly ICOS will now have access to a whole new sales channel and will be able to expand their distribution network to the street level. Orin Philpot, vice president of Pfizer, said "These drug cartels get a lot of bad publicity but what people don't realize is that they are very good businessmen. They have set up a distribution network that is superior to the standard pharmacy approach in almost every way. With this agreement, we now have access to their extensive network of dealers who are experts in the art of one-on-one retail and are able to reach large numbers of people in their communities. Without a doubt, this is going to be very good for our profits and will definitely please our shareholders."

For their part, the global drug cartels will now be able to expand their product offerings beyond the usual limited selection of cocaine and heroin to include such drugs as Viagra, Xanax, and Celebrex. This will improve their image and dramatically increase revenue.

Reaction to the announcement has been overwhelmingly favorable with Forbes Magazine calling it the perfect deal and the Wall Street Journal hailing the leaders of the pharmaceutical industry as visionary.

Mississippi River Becomes Ronald Reagan River

Washington, D.C. - After years of intense lobbying by supporters of former President Ronald Reagan, Congress today passed a bill that officially changes the name of the Mississippi River to the Ronald Reagan River.

This historic action is, to date, the most impressive achievement of the Ronald Reagan Project which has overseen the renaming of airports, monuments and natural wonders in every state of the union in order to honor the man they consider to be the greatest leader the world has ever known.

However, not everyone is pleased with the passage of this bill. School administrators and teachers say that the new law mandates that money now being used for school lunches and heating will have to be redirected for the purchase of new books, maps and atlases that have the updated name changes. Alicia Harding, a teacher in Chicago said, "I guess taking food out of the mouths of poor little children for the benefit of a dead rich white guy is a fitting tribute for Ronald Reagan after all." Laurence Reginald Reynolds, of the Reynold's aluminum fortune and acting head of the Ronald Reagan Project, dismissed criticism of the bill by saying, "These kids need to learn that there is no such thing as a free lunch. You've got to start young and work hard. Why, by the time I was 21, I was already a vice president at Reynolds Aluminum."

What's next for the Ronald Reagan Project? Only time will tell, but word is they've got their eyes set on Mount Rushmore, the ten dollar bill, and the American flag.

Microsoft's New Operating System Records Brain Waves Of Users

Redmond, Washington - Windows Vista, Microsoft's new operating system which is scheduled for release early next year, is already causing a great deal of controversy because of a very unusual feature that allows Vista to record the brain waves of users as they work on their computers. Implementation of this revolutionary technology is the primary reason why the release of Windows Vista has been repeatedly delayed. However, scientists at Microsoft are now confident they have worked out the bugs and initial beta tests have produced positive results. This unique feature is called the "Neural Collector" although Microsoft technicians have nicknamed it the "brain sucker" because of its extraordinary ability to gather the thoughts and general neural activity of Vista users.

By design, the Neural Collector functions automatically and is completely transparent to the user. Upon startup, Windows Vista will activate a series of electromagnetic sensors that will establish a connection with the cerebrum of the user. Once a stable connection is verified, brain waves will be collected and recorded. This raw neural information will then be sent to Microsoft's central data collection center where it will be deciphered and analyzed for later use.

Many civil libertarians are alarmed at the pervasive nature of this new technology and have called it an unprecedented breach of individual privacy rights that will allow Microsoft to gain access to the most intimate thoughts of computer users. Microsoft, in reply, says it is simply a neat new feature that will allow it to adjust its marketing to suit the needs of each individual. Bill Gates, Chairman of Microsoft Corporation, said "I don't know what all the commotion is about. Privacy is just a seven letter word."

As explained in the user's purchase agreement for Windows Vista, all recorded brain waves are the sole property of Microsoft Corporation.

God Fires Jerry Falwell, Pat Robertson And James Dobson

Colorado Springs, Colorado - In an announcement that took many by surprise, God today demanded the immediate resignations of Jerry Falwell, Pat Robertson and James Dobson as his self-proclaimed spokesmen.

In a personal fax sent to each of these quasi-religious representatives, God stated that "Because the three of you have consistently misstated and perverted my teachings for your own aggrandizement I am forced to order each one of you to cease and desist using my name for your personal profit. This command is effective immediately. Any violations will be dealt with severely."

Authenticity of the faxed document was verified by several scholars who said that it produced a divine brightness that was not of this world and could only have come from the Creator. Professor Richard T. Fenwick of Harvard University's School of Divinity said, "There is no doubt that it is original. We can tell this by the masterly use of language and the heavenly calligraphy. Clearly, this came from the Man Himself."

Upon reading this document, witnesses report that Falwell, Robertson and Dobson all turned ghostly white and dropped to their knees while begging forgiveness for being wanton scam artists who prey on the ignorance and prejudices of the public.

Liberty University, Focus on the Family and the Christian Broadcasting Network will all be having going-out-of-business sales at the end of the month.

Citing National Security Bush Revokes Ned Lamont's Citizenship

Washington, D. C. - Ned Lamont of Connecticut was informed today that President Bush has revoked his citizenship through the use of an executive order. This action was taken shortly after Lamont defeated Senator Joe Lieberman in the Connecticut Democratic Primary and it has the immediate effect of disqualifying Lamont from the general election in November since all members of the senate are required by the Constitution to be citizens of the United States. As a consequence of this sudden vacancy on the ballot, incumbent Senator Joe Lieberman, by default, will be declared the official candidate of the Democratic party.

White House sources said President Bush took this extraordinary action only after it became clear that the Democratic voters of Connecticut has severely compromised the security of the nation with their support of the outsider Lamont. Speaking to reporters as he left for his summer vacation in Crawford, Texas, Bush said "Votin' is an awesome responsibility and it's got to be done right. If it's not done right, it's done wrong, and that's not right." Bush then explained how a vote for Lamont is really a vote in support of terrorists everywhere and that it was important for him, as commander in chief, to make sure that Democrats did not continue to harm the safety and security of the country with recklessly cast votes that provide aid and comfort to the enemies of America.

Senator Lieberman, appearing on the Fox News program Hannity & Colmes said, "I am deeply gratified to be on the ballot as the Democratic nominee and I plan to continue working closely with President Bush and the Republican party to protect America from misguided Democratic voters who are out to destroy America." Lieberman then went on to thank Sean Hannity, Bill O'Reilly, Ann Coulter, Michelle Malkin, Karl Rove and Dick Cheney for their support.

Mosquitoes As Big As Pigeons Escape Lab & Terrorize Community

Research Triangle Park, North Carolina - Technicians at Bayer CropScience admitted today that a large number of mosquitoes used in research for the development of new pesticides have escaped from their laboratory and have entered the surrounding community where they are reproducing rapidly and spreading at an alarming rate. Adding to the anxiety over the introduction of these pests into the outside environment is the fact that these specially bred blood suckers are the size of pigeons and can drain a half pint of blood in one bite. They are also known to carry an extremely virulent strain of the West Nile virus.

Executives at Bayer CropScience admitted that the situation is urgent and said it is likely that these super-sized mosquitoes will gradually infest the entire country from coast to coast. Fortunately, Bayer CropScience has just received approval from the government for a new extremely potent pesticide called MuchoMuerte™. Floyd Fleewell, a spokesperson for Bayer CropScience, said, "We are prepared to ramp up production so that we can make sure there is enough MuchoMuerte™ to sell to communities as they become infested and, to show our commitment to these affected areas, we will offer MuchoMuerte™ at a substantial discount."

MuchoMuerte™ can be sprayed from trucks with specially mounted equipment or from the air by plane. MuchoMuerte™ is classified as nontoxic to humans but, as a precaution, residents are encouraged to remain indoors with their windows closed for a period of three to five weeks after application.

The Devil In Miss Coulter

Sherman Oaks, California - Hoping to cash in on her notoriety as an ultra-offensive right-wing pundit, Ann Coulter has branched into the world of adult films with her first feature length pornographic movie entitled The Devil in Miss Coulter.

In this extremely graphic triple X release, Miss Coulter performs an astonishing variety of politically charged sex acts that are meant to convey her conservative values while also appealing to fans of hardcore entertainment. In one scene, Coulter performs oral sex on a group of Minute Men vigilantes as they hunt illegal immigrants along the border with Mexico. In another striking scene, filmed in the Capital Building with the assistance of the Republican caucus, Coulter replicates Messalina's famous palace orgy in which Messalina wins a bet by servicing more men than Rome's leading prostitute.

Moreover, true conservative cinema buffs are sure to be thrilled by the films climactic ending which features a fivesome with Dick Cheney, Bill O'Reilly, Sean Hannity and Joe Lieberman as you've never seen them before.

Michael Medved, film critic and radio host, said after viewing The Devil in Miss Coulter, "Wow! I never in my life thought I would recommend a pornographic movie but this has got everything, excitement, a story, pathos, and very, very hot sex. This has got to be the best film I've seen all year."

The Devil in Miss Coulter is being distributed by 20th Century Fox and is scheduled for wide release in September.

Claiming Manifest Destiny US Demands Saskatchewan From Canada

Washington, D.C. - Dick Cheney, Vice President of the United States and former head of Halliburton, today demanded that the government of Canada cede the province of Saskatchewan to the United States. Cheney gave Canada three days to meet this demand or face the consequences.

With Attorney General Alberto Gonzales at his side, Cheney cited as legal precedent the concept of Manifest Destiny. Said Cheney, "Saskatchewan has lots of energy resources and we need them. Therefore, Saskatchewan belongs to us. End of discussion. If you've got a problem, take it up with God."

Canadian officials were caught off guard by Cheney's demand and have not yet formulated an official response. However, with American military forces massing on the border with Saskatchewan in Montana and North Dakota, Canada's options appeared limited and eventual capitulation is expected.

Armageddon USA Opens In South Carolina

Charleston, South Carolina - Families can now enjoy the fun, thrills and excitement of Armageddon in an amazing reenactment of the violent destruction of the world at America's newest amusement park, Armageddon USA. At this state of the art facility, visitors will be treated to graphic displays of nonbelievers being torn to pieces by pitchfork toting angels bent on heavenly revenge. And, the children will cheer as mighty crusading armies of righteousness slay all in their path as they march forever forward to the golden gates of the New Kingdom.

Fortunately, the fun doesn't stop there. This 45 acre park comes equipped with plenty of rides, such as the very popular Holy Moses roller coaster that parts the Red Sea as you flee from Pharaoh's army. Of course, no trip to Armageddon USA would be complete without getting your very own personally signed autograph from the animatronic likeness of Jesus Christ, sure to impress all of your friends and family.

Finally, after a long day of rides and general merriment, you can stop at the End Times Bar & Grill for a nice meal before heading home. A word of advice, for dessert, skip the devil's food cake and order the paradise peach pie instead.

Larry King Interviews A White House Press Release

New York, New York - Tonight, Larry King made television history by spending the entire hour of his show interviewing a press release from the White House. This ground breaking program was originally supposed to be an interview with President Bush and his wife Laura. However, at the last minute, President Bush decided that he would rather watch a rerun of Gilligan's Island on Nickelodeon instead. So, in place of the President and First Lady, the White House sent a two-page press release with all of their talking points.

At first, King seemed uncomfortable talking to the two-page press release but he quickly warmed to the task with his usual charm. Said King, "Wow! What an experience! I asked the press release a question and then my crack crew would highlight the answer from the press release and put it on the television screen. It was exciting. I am still shaking from the experience."

Tom Shales, television critic for the Washington Post, called it a defining moment in modern media in which the last vestiges and pretenses of true journalism were finally put to rest in the course of a single hour. Said Shales, "When you realize that there is really no substantive difference between Larry King talking to the President or Larry King talking to two sheets of paper, you start to understand everything that is wrong with the media, with the public and with America. God help us."

Tomorrow, Larry King plans to interview a half-eaten piece of fried chicken that was discarded by Dick Cheney.

President Bush Is A Bed Wetter

Washington, D.C. - A new shocking tell-all book by George W. Bush's childhood nanny claims that the president wet his bed throughout his entire adolescence and beyond. In fact, evidence has been produced that shows Bush's bed wetting continued unabated throughout his college years. At Yale, his problem was so severe that his fraternity brothers gave him the nickname "Pee Wee Wee" which they jokingly used to mock him about his small stature and propensity for soiling sheets.

Bush's nanny, Cynthia Johnson, said, "He was an awful bed wetter. I don't think a morning went by that he didn't wake up in his own urine. It just drove his mother Barbara crazy. Why, I remember her hanging his soaking wet sheets out of his window to try to shame it out of him. It didn't work. nothing worked. He was born a bed wetter and he will die a bed wetter."

Johnson's words seem to be accurate as sources close to the First Family have informed Assimilated Press that Laura Bush has not slept in the same bed with the president for many years due to his affliction. Laura was once heard to remark to a close friend, "You don't know what it's like to wake up next to a man who is drenched in his own piss. I just couldn't take it any longer."

When asked about this controversy, White House Press Secretary Tony Snow said he could not comment out of concern for national security.

Pledge Of Allegiance Now Mandatory In USA

Washington, D.C. - Today, the Congress passed and the President signed legislation requiring every man, women and child in the United States to begin each and every day with a recitation of the Pledge of Allegiance. This new law is meant to instill in Americans of all ages the importance of liberty and of being able to freely state your love and undying obedience to the country.

As required by the new act, schools and places of employment will set aside a few minutes each day for their students and employees to stand in unison for the pledge. Failure to stand and recite the pledge will lead to a one-week suspension from school for students. Employees who fail to stand and recite the pledge will be docked one week's wages. Repeat violations will lead to an extended stay at the nearest Halliburton Luxury Resort & Spa.

Also, to ensure universal enforcement, citizens who report the noncompliance of this law by their neighbors, friends and relatives will receive a substantial financial reward. If you know someone who is failing to recite the Pledge of Allegiance on a daily basis please contact the Office of Allegiance at the United States Department of Justice in Washington, D.C. Your identity will be kept secret and all rewards will be paid within 30 days.

End Of World To Occur On Tuesday

Lynchburg, Virginia - Biblical scholars at Liberty University announced today that, after a careful analysis of scripture, they have come to the conclusion that the world will end this Tuesday at 4:33 PM Eastern Standard Time. The end, they say, will begin with an army of avenging angels descending from Heaven for the purpose of culling the nonbelievers from the faithful. All nonbelievers will be immediately consigned to Hell where they will be subject to nonstop parties, sexual permissiveness and bacchanalian festivities that would make Dionysus jealous.

The remaining faithful, according to these scholars, will be carried on the wings of angels to Heaven where they will find no nudity, no sex, and no libations. Recreation will consist solely of eating twinkies while listening to a special CD collection of The 100 Best Sermons of Jerry Falwell.

Theodore Johnson, a student at Liberty University, after hearing the announcement said, "Is it too late for me to get into Hell? I don't want to die a sober virgin with the voice of Jerry Falwell ringing in my ears."

The Resurrection Of Mel

Malibu, California - On the third day after his arrest, Mel Gibson has arisen from his drunken hate-filled, obscenity-laced, misogynistic, anti-Semitic rants as a new man, reborn, repentant and cleansed of all sin. This new improved Mel, formulated, processed and fabricated by Hill & Knowlton, one of the best known marketing and public relations firms in the world, is a vastly upgraded version that no longer carries the baggage of his pre-resurrection life.

The freshly arisen Mel, in a gesture of solidarity with the Jewish people, has been circumcised and has taken to drinking Manischewitz wine in place of Tequila. He has also adopted a strict kosher diet with a particular fondness for kreplach. Furthermore, in his next project he will play Tevya in a Malibu production of Fiddler on the Roof.

Said Victoria Clark of Hill & Knowlton, "That Mel, he is such a mensch."

Mel Gibson Claims He Is Being Crucified

Malibu, California - A visibly agitated Mel Gibson today struck out against the media for reporting the facts of his arrest and said that he was being crucified simply because he is a hate-filled, misogynistic, anti-Semite with delusions of omnipotence. Said Gibson to the assembled news organizations gathered outside his ocean front residence, "F*** you all! You're all F***ing Jews. You too, sugar tits. You're nailing me to the f***ing cross just like you did Jesus. Yeah, I'm a hate-filled, misogynistic, anti-Semite with delusions of omnipotence. So f***ing what?"

When a reporter informed Gibson that Jesus was a Jew as was Mary, Gibson appeared momentarily stunned and then said "Well, f*** Jesus then! And f*** Mary too!"

In a related development, the Malibu police department denied that there was any favoritism or corruption involved in the preferential treatment Gibson received. Said Sheriff Lee Baca, "Mel Gibson was treated the same way every millionaire who gives me thousands of dollars is treated."