President Bush Consents To Interview With Assimilated Press

Coming soon.

Minutemen Move To Protect Marriage

Colorado Springs, Colorado - Several Minutemen battalions have been moved from the Mexican border to locations in Middle America. The move, explained James Dobson, leader of Focus on the Family, came at the request of his organization, a major group in the Christian Coalition.

"The Democrats have passed their first 100 hours", said Mr. Dobson, referring to the 110th Congressional majority. "Now that they've done all their high-profile activities, they will quietly start to work behind the scenes on their real agenda, which is destroying the American family by promoting homosexuality and other deviant behavior."

Concerned that sponsors of the Marriage Protection Amendment have stated they will not attempt to introduce the constitution altering legislation this year, Mr. Dobson contacted the Minutemen, the border-protection group praised by President Bush.

Supplemented by volunteers from Focus on the Family and other Christian Coalition units, the Minutemen have taken strategic positions around bridal salons, tuxedo rental stores, and bakeries across several midwestern and southern states. DJ's and musicians have been given armed bodyguards and caterers move in armored convoys with Minutemen scanning the road for IEDs and the rooftops for snipers. Florist shops and beauty parlors have been occupied and their owners are being held in re-education Bible camps.

"Flowers do add something to a wedding and the girls wanted their hair to be nice on their special day, so we tried to deal with the florists and hairdressers, but after a while we felt we couldn't trust them to be straight with us", explained a Minuteman field commander.

Mr. Dobson vowed that the Minutemen and Coalition forces will remain in defensive position, "until we are absolutely 100 percent sure marriage is no longer under attack."

Written for Assimilated Press by roving reporter pinko.

District Of Columbia Now Classified

Washington, D.C. - Attorney General Alberto Gonzales has confirmed reports that the Justice Department has placed all of Washington, D.C. under "Top Secret" classification effective immediately. "D.C. is now a classified area. Making D.C. classified is absolutely vital to the safety and security of the American people," said Mr. Gonzales.

Questioned as to how citizens will be able to visit the Capitol Building, congressional offices, the White House or the Supreme Court, Mr. Gonzales answered, "Those with the proper clearances will be allowed to apply for brief visits on a need-to-know basis."

Robert Gates, the new Secretary of Defense, supports classifying the nation's Capitol, citing the need to protect sensitive intelligence information located within the District's confines. When asked if classifying D.C. and making it off-limits to visitors without prior approval by the government was the result of this weekend's protest on the Mall by over 30,000 participants demonstrating for an end to American involvement in Iraq, Mr. Gates replied, "No comment."

Written for Assimilated Press by roving reporter pinko.

Iraq Study Group Released From Guantanamo

Washington, D.C. - The White House announced today that the entire Iraq Study Group has been given a pardon by President Bush and that they have also been released from custody in Guantanamo. A spokesperson for James Baker, former Secretary of State and co-chair of the Iraq Study Group, said "Secretary Baker and the men and women who worked with him on the Iraq Study Group are pleased to have received a pardon and are anxiously looking forward to continuing with their daily lives."

Assimilated Press has been told by sources in the White House that it was felt that their detainment in Guantanamo was no longer necessary since the Iraq Study Group Report has already been effectively silenced and thrown into the dustbin of history by the Bush administration with its latest "surge" policy.

When asked why a pardon was necessary before they could be released, a high ranking Justice Department official said that "James Baker, Lee Hamilton and a number of other members of the Iraq Study Group were subjected to waterboarding, sleep deprivation and nonfatal beatings during their imprisonment and that one of the conditions of their pardon and release was that they would not comment on their treatment in Guantanamo which would only serve to cast the Bush administration in a bad light."

In a related development, pictures taken by guards at Guantanamo that show James Baker, Lee Hamilton and other Iraq Study Group members naked and stacked in a pyramid have been classified as top secret and will not be shown to Congress or the public.

President Bush To Enter Rehab

Washington, D.C. - Taking a page from celebrities Mel Gibson, Lindsay Lohan, Isaiah Washington and the reigning Miss USA, President Bush has decided that the only way to salvage his rapidly disappearing political fortune is to voluntarily commit himself to a rehabilitation clinic from which he will emerge a week later cured of a variety of ailments which are said to include megalomania, a messianic complex and poll ratings which are at record lows.

Sources in the White House have told Assimilated Press that they are confident that this new strategy will reinvigorate the administration and restore public confidence in the president. As one executive from Hill & Knowlton said, "All sins, misjudgments and criminal behavior are washed away in the metaphorically cleansing waters of a brief stint in rehab."

If this strategy does indeed prove successful, Vice President Dick Cheney, Secretary of State Condoleeza Rice and the entire country of Iraq will follow Bush and also enter rehab.

Blair Says He Is Not Bush's Bitch In Candid Interview

London, England - The following interview took place Thursday morning in the Prime Minister's residence at Number 10 Downing Street over tea and scones. There were no restrictions and no ground rules for the conduct of the interview.

Virt: Mr. Prime Minister, as we speak this morning, British and American troops are mired in what appears to be a disastrous war in Iraq, a war that was sold to the British and American people on a series of lies. Knowing what you know now, do you feel that it was the right decision to invade Iraq?

Blair: First of all, your use of the word lies is much too strong. I would not call the justifications for the Iraq war lies. I would call them truths that happened to be untrue or facts that were not actually factual but I most certainly would not call them lies. I am not a liar. I am the prime minister. As to your question, yes, I would make exactly the same decisions knowing what I know today. To say otherwise would be tantamount to admitting I was wrong, that my decisions were tragic errors in judgment and that tens of thousands of people died unnecessarily because I lacked the will and intestinal fortitude to contradict the president of the United States. I could never admit to any such thing.

Virt: But many people do say that you lacked the courage to confront President Bush and moderate his actions. In fact, as you know, you have repeatedly been referred to as Bush's poodle, even by members of your own party.

Blair: I deeply resent your inference on my character. I am not Bush's poodle and I am not his bitch. I tried to reason with the American president but it was like trying to reason with a five year old throwing a tantrum on a sugar high. I can't be blamed for that.

Virt: Then why did you support him so fully?

Blair: Well, that is a very complicated question. Quite frankly, several months before the invasion, I received a call one night from my close friend and patron Rupert Murdoch. He told me that he would view it as a personal favor if I gave my complete and total support to President Bush's plans to invade Iraq.

Virt: A personal call from a media mogul was enough to sway your opinion?

Blair: There are two very powerful men I never refuse. One is God and the other is Rupert Murdoch.

Virt: So, you made your decision to commit British troops and throw in your lot with President Bush's Iraq war plans because it would curry favor with Ruport Murdoch?

Blair: Well, in reality, that was only half of the the reason. The other half was because President Bush and I thought we could have a jolly good crusade. Only this time we would do it better than our predecessors. You know, the last few crusades didn't turn out so well.

Virt: Then this venture into Iraq was never about weapons of mass destruction or imposing democracy?

Blair: Heavens no. For me, it was mostly the whole us versus them thing. You know, good versus evil, Christians versus the unbelievers. That really appealed to me.

Virt: And President Bush, is that what appealed to him as well?

Blair: Yes, very much so. However, in addition, he did have some rather serious psychological issues that this confrontational policy seemed to address. I read your interviews with Saddam Hussein and the First Lady and I think they were both right about the president's motivations for going into Iraq. I would simply add two more things to what they said about this. First, as I said, President Bush was very much into the idea of waging a crusade. In fact, on more than one occasion he mentioned to me that we should have a pre-Armageddon party to celebrate the coming of the Third Kingdom. He even told me that he was saving a bottle of Jack Daniels for the occasion.

Virt: And the second thing?

Blair: Politics, raw naked politics. President Bush, Vice President Cheney and Karl Rove all knew that their extreme agenda would never be accepted by the American public unless they created a climate of perpetual war. I must say, their strategy worked wonderfully. One can hardly recognize America these days. Who would have thought that democracy was such a fragile creation.

At this point in the interview an aide to the Prime Minister entered the room and whispered something into his ear.

Blair: I am sorry but I am going to have to end this interview. It seems that President Bush is on the phone for our daily prayer and war planning session. He gets very upset when I keep him waiting.

Virt: Yes, well thank you for this opportunity to get your views and also for the tea and scones.

Blair: You are most welcome.

As the Prime Minister took the call from the President of the United States I left Number 10 Downing Street and ventured into the greater clarity of the London fog.

Prominent Americans Tied To Terrorists

During its January 19 program the television show Fox and Friends revealed that presidential contender Barak Obama’s middle name is Hussein. This alerted the American public that Obama, whose last name sounds eerily similar to Osama, may actually be a terrorist.

Assimilated Press investigative reporting has unearthed the striking fact that President George Walker Bush shares the same middle name as John Walker Lindh, “the American Taliban”, a known enemy combatant captured in Afghanistan. While terrorist ties between the two Walker men have not yet conclusively been established, at a recent public appearance G. Walker Bush was seen being escorted by armed law enforcement agents and surrounded by heavy security.

The White House, when questioned, declined to comment on the President’s middle name, fueling speculation that there may be compromising family ties between the American Taliban and the American President. The White House also declined to comment on whether G. Walker Bush had any part in J. Walker Lindh’s transfer from a Los Angeles prison to The Federal Transfer Center, an administrative facility in Oklahoma City, Oklahoma, a city known for terrorist activity.

Former President George Herbert Walker Bush, father of the current president, held a press conference today regarding the name Walker. Mr. Bush began the conference by saying, “When Barbara and I named young George, the middle name thing, it seemed like a good idea at the time.” The former President then appeared to be overcome with emotion and was led away from the microphone, weeping. A Bush family spokesman hastily concluded the press conference.

Written for Assimilated Press by roving reporter pinko.

Blair Says "I Am Not A Poodle I Am A Man"

London, England - In an upcoming interview in Assimilated Press, Prime Minister Tony Blair angrily states that he is not Bush's poodle and that his complete subservience to the American president is based on his sycophantic nature and not his canine bloodline. He also claims that he was once in a three-way telephone conversation with the American president and God in which they discussed the war in Iraq and the national health policy. Unfortunately, Blair insisted that he could not divulge the details of this extraordinary conversation because of the risk that strategic information that God shared with both leaders would fall into the hands of the insurgents as well as the Tories and Democrats.

Coming soon, the full interview.

First Lady Laura Bush Bares All In Explosive Interview

Washington, D.C. - The following interview with First Lady Laura Bush took place in the White House late last week. There were no restrictions on the questions asked and, as you will soon discover, the First Lady was anxious to make her point of view known on some very controversial and personal subjects.

Virt: Mrs. Bush, I want to thank you on behalf of the readers of Assimilated Press for this wonderful opportunity to get to know you better.

First Lady: You're very welcome. As the First Lady I am often constrained in what I can say to the public. Quite frankly, I feel like I have been in handcuffs for the last six years. Well, today the handcuffs come off and the world finally gets to see the real Laura Bush.

Virt: Very good. Let's start with the war in Iraq. As you know, the justifications for the war have shifted repeatedly over the last four years and virtually all of them have proved to be either wrong or flat-out lies. In your opinion why did the president invade Iraq?

First Lady: Well, I read your interview with Saddam Hussein and I must tell you, in all honesty, that the reason he gave was only partially true. Yes, George does have a small penis. In fact, it is a very small penis. However, the real reason he invaded Iraq was because Dick Cheney double-dared him and George never backs down from a double-dare.

Virt: You're saying the United States of America went to war with Iraq because Vice President Dick Cheney doubled-dared the president to do it?

First Lady: Yes, that is exactly what I am saying.

Virt: How does that make you feel, knowing that America went to war in response to a childish taunt from the vice president?

First Lady: Well, that's life with George. I'm used to it by now.

Virt: But tens of thousands of lives have been lost, the nation's wealth squandered and the entire region thrown into chaos.

First Lady: George never worries about those things. He sleeps like a baby. He wets his bed like a baby too. But you already know that since you were the one who broke the story. Boy, he was really, really mad when he read that you exposed his life long problem with bed wetting in Assimilated Press. For the first few days he was inconsolable. It wasn't until Brit Hume from Fox News called and told him that he and Sean Hannity were also bed wetters that George finally began to calm down.

Virt: Really? I didn't know that about Brit Hume and Sean Hannity.

First Lady: Oh dear, I guess I shouldn't have let that slip out. Oh well, as they say in Mexico, c'est la vie.

Virt: Speaking of personal foibles, I understand that you have had some problems with drugs.

First Lady: My, you are resourceful. Yes, it is true. If you were married to George W. Bush you would be taking drugs too.

Virt: What type of drugs are you taking?

First Lady: Well, I started with Valium but it just wasn't strong enough so then I switched to Vicodin but that stopped doing the trick for me. Finally, my good friend Rush Limbaugh gave me some Oxycontin and that's what I have been using ever since.

Virt: So, you've taken drugs with Rush Limbaugh?

First Lady: Oh yes, we party all of the time. That Rush is an animal, a fistful of Oxycontin, some Viagra, a little Ted Nugent playing in the background, and we can go at it all night long.

Virt: But the rumor circulating around Washington is that you are having an affair with Vice President Cheney not Rush Limbaugh.

First Lady: Yes, well unfortunately I had to break off the fling with Dick because it was just too embarrassing.

Virt: Because of the gossip?

First Lady: No, not that. The problem with Dick was that he went everywhere with a complete medical crew to monitor his vital signs and provide emergency care whenever necessary. When we had sex there was always two nurses and a doctor present. On more than one occasion, they had to defibrillate him when he got overexcited. I just couldn't take it anymore. All of that machinery and constant medical attention really killed the mood. Say, are you doing anything after the interview? I have some free time before Parade Magazine comes to take some pictures of me for their cover.

Virt: As tempting as that offer is, I'm afraid I have a previous commitment.

First Lady: Too bad. Maybe another time.

Virt: Yes. Now, if I may ask one final question?

First Lady: Of course.

Virt: Will the president attack Iran?

First Lady: Oh yes, most definitely, Iran, Syria, Venezuela, Chad, Tunisia, Cuba, Cameroon and France.

At this point, two secret service agents entered the room and said that the interview was over.

Virt: Unfortunately, it appears that our time is up. Thank you for this very informative interview.

First Lady: You are quite welcome. Please come back anytime. I wouldn't mind continuing this conversation off the record, if you know what I mean.

At that moment a photographer from Parade Magazine entered the room and I exited the White House.

Coming Soon: First Lady Tells All In Shocking Interview

Washington, D. C. - In her most revealing and shocking interview to date, First Lady Laura Bush talks about everything from her drug usage with Rush Limbaugh to the President's life-long bed wetting problem and how his feelings of inferiority led to the Iraq war. Exclusive to Assimilated Press.

Geraldo Rivera Injured In Fight With Keith Olbermann

New York, New York - In a late night confrontation outside of the Carnegie Deli in Manhattan on Thursday, Fox News personality Geraldo Rivera appeared to bite off more than he could chew when he approached MSNBC journalist Keith Olbermann on the sidewalk in front of the legendary eating establishment. With a Fox News television crew in tow, Rivera ran up to Olbermann just as he was leaving the restaurant. Acting like a Cockapoo on crank, Rivera started yelling obscenities and taunts at Olbermann in an attempt to provoke him into a fight. Olbermann, who remained calm throughout the whole incident, seemed amused at the clownish antics of Rivera which only seemed to fuel the Fox News personality's anger.

Enraged at Olbermann's nonchalance, Rivera shouted "I'm gonna turn your face into a god damn pizza."

To which Olbermann laughingly replied, "Pizza! Wow, did you get one of the Fox News writers to jot down that witty line for you? You know what? I think it would work better if you changed the line to 'a portabella asiago calzone.' That is much more poetic and a lot more threatening. You know what I mean? If you had come up to me and said 'I'm gonna turn your face into a god damn portabella asiago calzone' then I would be really, really frightened, but as it is, you just look like a lame asshole who can't mouth a good threatening line."

This comment from Olbermann seemed to send Rivera over the edge. He completely lost control and took a vicious swing at the popular MSNBC anchor who gracefully took a step back to avoid the blow. Unfortunately for Rivera this was not the end of the story. His missed punch caused him to lose his balance. He tumbled forward and in the process threw out his back. The Fox camera crew then rushed to his aid and took the crying Rivera to Mount Sinai Hospital where he was treated and released several hours later.

In a gesture of generosity and good will, Keith Olbermann sent Geraldo Rivera a Prima Donna rose plant and a get well card in which he wrote "Prima Donna roses grow best in manure so this plant should thrive at Fox News."

Bush Calls Surge "Viagra For Iraq-ra"

Washington, D.C. - Trying to turn the latest "new and improved" Iraq war plan into a catchy phrase that can more easily be sold to the American people, White House spin masters have come up with "Viagra for Iraq-ra." While this phrase is grammatically tortured and less than coherent, top officials at both the Pentagon and the Bush administration believe it will give the public something they can rally around. Of course, this marketing strategy fits in well with the president's notorious fascination with phallic imagery which many independent psychologists have attributed to his own personal shortcomings.

In explaining this "Viagra for Iraq-ra" approach, President Bush said "This new plan of mine will bring the Iraq war to a sudden and powerful climax which will greatly satisfy the people of the region who will wake up the next morning with respect and admiration for the firmness and staying power of the United States of America."

Huffington Post Censures Investigative Reporter

Los Angeles, California - One of the most respected investigative reporters in the world, Virt of Assimilated Press, found out today that he has been banned from The Huffington Post. No reason was given and there was no warning or indication of this radical move on the part of The Huffington Post to stifle debate on the Internet. Shocked by this Soviet style behavior, Assimilated Press conducted an examination of Virt's postings to The Huffington Post which showed that he has not engaged in profanity or flaming which makes this particular move on their part both mysterious and troubling.

Sources at The Huffington Post have told Assimilated Press that higher-ups in the organization were feeling a great deal of pressure from many of the sacred cows that Virt has skewered over the past few months and decided that censuring his voice would be preferable to having to displease so many powerful people. These sources also said that The Huffington Post has concocted a cover story in order to deflect the harsh criticism that will result from this action to silence the voice of dissent. They will say that Virt was engaged in blogwhoring for simply including links to important breaking stories. This is certainly hypocritical as a fact check has shown that many people who post or comment at The Huffington Post are selling or promoting something, including the beautiful and talented Arianna Huffington.

Assimilated Press hopes that The Huffington Post will see the error of their ways and will not follow the old Soviet Union style of information management but will instead open their windows so that the sun can shine in and Virt's voice can once again be heard at The Huffington Post.

Saddam's Last Interview

Baghdad, Iraq - The following interview with Saddam Hussein took place in the American secured Green Zone in Baghdad just moments before Saddam was transfered from the custody of American troops into the hands of a gang of hooded gunmen claiming to be representatives of the Iraqi government.

Virt: Saddam Hussein, you have been tried and sentenced to death. Do you have any thoughts you would like to share with the readers of Assimilated Press about your trial and impending sentence?

Saddam: Yes, but before I begin, do you have any Doritos corn chips? I have developed quite a taste for them and I finished the last bag my American guards gave me earlier today.

Virt: No, I'm sorry. I don't have any.

Saddam: Ah, that's too bad. Doritos are very, very good. You know, I signed a contract with Frito-Lay last week, a very big endorsement deal. I am their new spokesman. In fact, we shot a commercial this morning. Do you want to hear how it goes?

Virt: Well, there are other matters that may be more important in our limited time.

Saddam: Please, I am a condemned man. Indulge me. this will only take a moment.

Virt: Uh, OK.

Saddam: (Pretending that he is holding a bag of Doritos) Doritos are so good that I requested them for my last meal. Now, I can go to the gallows with a smile on my face.

Virt: Well, that should sell quite a few bags.

Saddam: Yes, and my surviving children will get a share of the profits on each bag sold.

Virt: Yes, now back to my question.

Saddam: About the trial?

Virt: Yes.

Saddam: Well, first of all, I was very flattered that you Americans have copied the system of justice used by Iraq during my reign of power. You Americans are very good at borrowing from other cultures. That is what makes America a great nation.

Virt: What do you mean?

Saddam: Well, for instance, during my American run trial three of my defense attorneys were assassinated, the original judge was removed when he was shown to be to fair and replaced with another judge who said I deserved to die even before he heard a word from my defense team. And, most important of all, evidence that clearly showed that the first Bush along with Reagan, Cheney and Rumsfeld were accomplices in my so-called crimes of mass murder was never allowed. Now, I modeled Iraq's justice system after the system Joseph Stalin created in the Soviet Union and obviously Mr. Bush modeled your American justice system, as shown in my trial, on my copy of Stalin. What is that saying? Oh yes, plagiarism is the highest form of flattery. I'm sure Stalin would be very proud as well if he were still with us.

Virt: You mentioned the first President Bush, George Herbert Walker Bush. Why do you think there is so much animosity between you and the Bush family?

Saddam: Ah, a very good question and I will give you an answer I know to be true. You see, once George Herbert Walker Bush and I were very good friends. When I gassed the Kurds he said to me "Saddam, you are one tough guy. I wish I could do something like that to the Democrats in Congress." And when I went to war with Iran and killed hundreds of thousands with more chemical weapons, it was my good friends Bush, Rumsfeld and Cheney who gave me the go-ahead and the valuable intelligence that allowed me to do these things. These were the actions of close friends, but all of that changed one day.

Virt: Was that the day you invaded Kuwait?

Saddam: No, no, no. It had nothing to do with the invasion of Kuwait. My relationship with Bush soured because of a harmless little joke.

Virt: A joke?

Saddam: Yes, you see, the first President Bush and I enjoyed each other's company the way powerful men often do. One day, after we played racquetball, we took a shower together and I noticed that he had an extremely small penis. I mentioned this to Secretary of State James Baker. In fact, I said to him "Isn't it funny that the leader of the most powerful country in the world has a teeny tiny penis?" Obviously, this got back to the first President Bush and before you could say "Baba Ghannouj" Iraq was being bombed.

Virt: You believe that President George Herbert Walker Bush bombed Iraq and pushed you out of Kuwait because you said he had a small penis?

Saddam: Yes, I am sure of it.

Virt: And how would this explain the decision of the current President Bush to invade Iraq and depose you?

Saddam: Obviously, he must have heard what I said about his father and I am betting that he has a very small penis as well. After all, like father like son.

Virt: But that is very hard to believe. So many deaths, so much suffering, all because of a harmless joke.

Saddam: Ah, you are just a young journalist. You know nothing of the ways of the world. Yes, many reasons are given for war, arguments over borders, religious rivalries, ethnic hatred. But, the main reason leaders go to war is to prove that one has a larger penis than his adversary. Look at your own President Bush posing on that aircraft carrier in a flight suit complete with a codpiece used to enhance his rather minuscule manhood. That is what I am talking about. If President Bush had a normal size penis the Iraq war would never have occurred. That is a fact.

At this point in the interview four American soldiers entered Saddam's cell to transfer him into the custody of his executioners

Virt: Saddam Hussein, is there anything you would like to say to the world before you go to the gallows?

Saddam: Yes, there is. To George W. Bush I say, thank you. Once I was a mass murderer and now you have remade me into a martyr. After all of my crimes against humanity even I did not think that was possible but you, George W. Bush, have accomplished this with my trial and soon to be hanging. Thank you a thousand times for this great gift. To the rest of the world I say, buy Doritos. They are a delicious snack and now they are made without any trans fats for those who are on a health conscious diet.

With that last comment, Saddam Hussein was escorted from the cell and within an hour he was dead.

Coming Soon: Interviews With Famous Politicians & Celebrities

Assimilated Press will soon be going to locations all over the country and the world to bring you ground breaking interviews with famous politicians and celebrities that you will not get anywhere else. As always, we will fearlessly be pursuing the real stories that no one else dares to publish.

Fox News Switches to All-Clown Format In Ratings Gambit

New York, New York - In an increasingly desperate attempt to appeal to an ever dwindling audience, Fox News is set to introduce its latest gambit to attract viewers and increase its ratings. Starting tomorrow, Fox News on-air personalities will forsake suits and dresses and replace them with clown outfits.

Explaining this radical departure from normal decorum, Rupert Murdoch, head of Fox News parent company News Corp, said "When you are the captain of a sinking ship you do things that would have been unimaginable in better times. If putting Sean Hannity into big floppy shoes and a giant red nose while he sprays seltzer in his pants boosts our ratings than I've done my job and the shareholders are happy."

Assimilated Press has learned that part of the motivation for this dramatic change was due to research gleaned from internal focus groups that showed that average Americans had an extremely low opinion of Fox News personalities. Specifically, they found that Bill O'Reilly makes children cry. Sean Hannity gives people indigestion. Brit Hume makes viewers vomit, and Geraldo Rivera gives everyone the creeps. Fox News hopes that presenting them in clown outfits will soften their images and make them more acceptable to a general audience.

Unfortunately for Fox News, this change has not been greeted with universal approval. In particular, The International Union of Clowns is furious with the decision and is afraid that it will tarnish the beloved image of clowns as adorable characters whose purpose is to make people laugh and have a good time. Bozo Macdonald, President and CEO of the International Union of Clowns, said "Being a clown is a serious profession. It's not as easy and simple-minded as reading from a teleprompter. It takes intelligence and timing. Besides, O'Reilly is not funny. He's venal. And this so-called comic, Dennis Miller is about as humorous as a prostate examination. You know, Clowns are supposed to make people happy. They aren't supposed to make them want to commit suicide."

If this latest move does not improve their ratings, it is rumored that Fox News will switch to an all-mime format.

Bush To Send Rambo & Terminator To Iraq

Washington, D.C. - Hoping to prevent what appears to be an inevitable devastating political and military defeat in Iraq, President Bush has decided on a last desperate attempt to win on the battlefield so that he can have one more "mission accomplished" moment before he leaves office. In announcing this strategic shift, Bush introduced the secret weapons that he believes will reverse his humiliating loss and ensure a swift victory. These secret weapons are Rambo and the Terminator who have been instructed to immediately prepare for deployment to Iraq.

This controversial decision to send two of America's most famous movie heroes is not universally endorsed within the administration. While Vice President Dick Cheney and Secretary of State Condoleeza Rice agree with the president that this is a winning strategy, others such as Secretary of Defense Robert Gates and the entire Joint Chiefs of Staff feel that it has little, if any, chance of success. These opponents of the plan tried to explain to the president why it wouldn't work. Unfortunately, Bush could not be convinced that Rambo and the Terminator are fictional characters and not a real-life human being and cyborg that possess phenomenal powers.

After he signed the activation orders for Rambo and the Terminator, President Bush stated to the members of his cabinet, "Everything is going to be fine. Now that Rambo and the Terminator are on board, I can see the light at the end of the tunnel."

Happy New Year!

Don't forget to set your calendar back to January 1, 2003.