Thursday, January 31, 2008

A Town With Gumption

Brattleboro, Vermont - Send an e-mail to Brattleboro, Vermont, the little town that has more guts than all our elected officials in Washington D.C. put together.

A citizen of Brattleboro, VT submitted the following petition: "Shall the Select board instruct the Town Attorney to draft indictments against President Bush and Vice President Cheney for crimes against our Constitution, and publish said indictments for consideration by other authorities and shall it be the law of the Town of Brattleboro that the Brattleboro Police, pursuant to the above-mentioned indictments, arrest and detain George Bush and Richard Cheney in Brattleboro if they are not duly impeached, and prosecute or extradite them to other authorities that may reasonably contend to prosecute them?"

The town's Select board voted 3-2 to allow the petition to go to ballot as the petition had greater than the required 5% of residents' signatures. Voting will be on March 4th. While the measure is purely symbolic and would have no legal force in that the town attorney has no authority to write the indictment and the police have no authority to arrest Bush or Cheney, news on the Internet prompted angry outsiders to e-mail the town. Some of the e-mails suggested the town as a target for terrorism and that elected officials should be harmed, with one e-mailer hoping they be kidnapped and beheaded. Some Brattelboro elected officials are feeling threatened and the local sheriff's office has had to divert time and resources, concerned about the safety of the town.

Let's counterbalance the outsider angriness with some outsider praise. Send an e-mail and say "You go, Brattleboro!"

Written for Assimilated Press by pinko

Tuesday, January 29, 2008

Cheney Scarecrow Curdles Milk

Athens, Greece - Athenos Feta Cheese announced today that it is installing large numbers of Cheney scarecrows in its dairy operations in Greece. The scarecrow, modeled after U.S. Vice President Richard B. Cheney, has been found to be highly effective at curdling milk. Under the new scarecrow curdling technique cows exposed to nanosecond glimpses of the Cheney scarecrow produce sour milk straight from the udder. Tucker Yappopulous, head of Athenos production, said that the cheese company hopes that the installation of the Cheney scarecrows “will greatly cut curdling time and increase production, as soon as we manage to get cow mortality rates down to acceptable levels.”

The scarecrow installation work began early this morning but had to be suspended by noon as scores of Athenos dairy workers were rushed to local hospitals after falling prey to a mysterious ailment. The ailment, of unknown origin, appears to cause paranoid hallucinations, copious oily sweat and an overwhelming urge to shoot someone in the face.

Written for Assimilated Press by roving reporter pinko

Monday, January 28, 2008

Wal-Mart Introduces The Cheney Scarecrow

Bentonville, Arkansas - Hoping to make up for poor holiday sales, America's largest retail chain has introduced a new product that it feels will become an indispensable commodity for the nation's farmers. Modeled after the vice president of the United States, it is called the Cheney Scarecrow and it is already in stores everywhere across the country.

Wal-Mart Stores, Inc. CEO and President, Lee Scott, issued high praise for the new product at its official unveiling at the companies headquarters in Bentonville when he said, "it is with great pride that I present to the American public our new flagship product, the Cheney Scarecrow. I predict that it will do for Wal-Mart's stock what Viagra did for millions of elderly men who suddenly found that they could get a few more miles out of the old car, so to speak."

Consumer Reports, after running extensive tests on the Cheney Scarecrow, came to the conclusion that "The Cheney Scarecrow is amazingly effective at scaring crows. Unfortunately, we have also discovered that it terrifies small children, puppy dogs and kittens. In addition, we found that whatever benefits farmers will receive from using the Cheney Scarecrow to protect their crops is more than outweighed by the fact that at the same time it is repulsing crows, it is actually attracting rats, locusts and cockroaches in extraordinarily large numbers. Therefore, we, at Consumer Reports, are afraid that instead of promoting bountiful crops, the Cheney Scarecrow will create widespread pestilence and famine resulting in wide stretches of devastation from coast to coast."

When informed of the Consumer Reports study, Lee Scott replied, "Some days the sun shines and some days it rains. Sometimes you get to kiss the pretty girl and sometimes you go home with the person who's standing next to you when the bar closes."

The Cheney Scarecrow is Made of post-industrial waste and is assembled in China.

Thursday, January 24, 2008

Democratic Party No Longer Exists

Washington, D.C. - Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid, with the backing of Senator Jay Rockefeller and many other Democrats, today agreed with President Bush and Vice President Dick Cheney that America is no longer a nation of laws and that those with money and access are free to commit any criminal activity as long as they have the prerequisite financial resources to buy amnesty from congress.

Said Reid, "Our complete obedience to President Bush and Vice President Cheney and our disregard for the rule of law, the system of checks and balances and the Constitution itself, makes the Democratic Party irrelevant. Therefore, I am today acknowledging what everyone already realizes. The Democratic Party is dead. However, we will stay here in congress so that we can continue to pick up our checks from transnational corporations and also get that great free healthcare we voted for ourselves. As for the American people, they can go fuck themselves for all I care."

Breaking: Senator Reid Tells American People To "Go Fuck Yourselves"

More details soon.

Bush Excels At One Thing - Lying

935 Iraq Falsehoods

Wednesday, January 23, 2008

Reid & Pelosi Named Republicans Of The Year

Washington, D.C. - Today, in a ceremony at the Heritage Foundation, the Republican Party officially expressed their gratitude to their two favorite politicians in Washington, Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid and Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi, by naming them "Republicans of the Year."

In presenting the award, President George W. Bush said, "You know, when the Democrats first took over Congress I was kind of concerned. But hell, they've serviced me even better than the Republican Congresses did. They gave me even more money for war, which of course went mostly to my two favorite charities, Halliburton and the Carlyle Group. They didn't enforce their subpoenas and they didn't hold me or any of my staff and agencies accountable in any way. They even ended up supporting my policies of torture. Hell, this is the best God damn congress any Unitary Executive could ever hope for. And that's not all. Every single time I said 'boo' they wet their pants and folded like an obedient cowering dog. And last but not least, Harry Reid and Nancy Pelosi showed that they are true Republicans when they and their follow Democrats took fistfuls of cash from the telecommunications companies in exchange for granting them amnesty for their crimes against the American people. Along those same lines, they are also to be congratulated for their willingness to take bribes from a few transnational corporations in return for letting these corporations write the new so-called patent reform law. That is true republicanism, benefiting the wealthy few against the interests of the general public and I congratulate the Majority Leader and Speaker of the House for showing that greed and corruption truly is a bipartisan affair in Washington."

Unfortunately, Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid and Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi were unable to attend the awards ceremony because of a previous engagement at Morton's Steak House where they were scheduled to pick up their weekly checks from various lobbyists and transnational corporations. Joining them at Morton's were Senators Jay Rockefeller and Patrick Leahy who were there to receive bonus checks for their work on telecom amnesty and "patent reform" which is also known as the "Screw the Inventor and Small Business in Order to Enrich Transnational Corporations Bill."

Sunday, January 20, 2008

House To Vote On Resolution 666

Washington, D.C. - On December 06, 2007 Rep. Steven King (R-IA) introduced House Resolution 847 that "recognizes the Christian faith as one of the great religions of the world; expresses continued support for Christians in the United States and worldwide; acknowledges the international religious and historical importance of Christmas and the Christian faith; acknowledges and supports the role played by Christians and Christianity in the founding of the United States and in the formation of the western civilization; rejects bigotry and persecution directed against Christians, both in the United States and worldwide; and expresses its deepest respect to American Christians and Christians throughout the world."

Soon after on December 18, 2007, Rep. James Forbes (R-VA) introduced House Resolution 888 "Affirming the rich spiritual and religious history of our Nation's founding and subsequent history and expressing support for designation of the first week in May as `American Religious History Week' for the appreciation of and education on America's history of religious faith." Recently, other religions have been getting into the affirmative mood as well.

House Resolution 5768 "affirms that Judaism is the basis of monotheism and the foundation of both Christianity and Islam; encourages and supports the study of Judaism in all public schools, including state universities; expresses support for the designation of the last week of April as "Foundations of American Religious History Week."

House Resolution 70 "affirms that Islam forbids bacon and therefore lowers cholesterol; recognizes that Islam has done more to protect virginity than any other major world religion thus significantly lowering world-wide HIV incidence; expresses support for Islam to be designated 'The Healthy Faith' and for the posting of the Five Pillars of Islam and explanatory text in all school gymnasiums and classrooms where health education instruction occurs."

House Resolution 1947 "affirms that Hinduism has more world-wide adherents than Christianity and Islam combined and therefore expresses support that Hinduism is declared the 'We're Number One! Faith;' recognizes that all sessions of Congress shall begin with a Vedic incantation as befits a pluralistic nation."

House Resolution 666 "affirms Satan, being a major figure in Christianity, is acknowledged as having a formative role in the establishment of the slavery that provided the economic basis for the founding of the United States of America; recognizes that Satan continues to aid the American economy through alcohol sales, tobacco sales, gambling profits, illegal drug trafficking and prostitution, along with other manners of vice; therefore, the day currently known as 'Saturday' shall be renamed 'Satanday,' such terminology change to be effective on all government calendars January 1, 2012."

Written for Assimilated Press by roving reporter pinko

Saturday, January 19, 2008

Today's Daily Quiz: January 19, 2008

On January 20, 2009 we will have a different president, which means we are 365 days away from the end of the Bush Administration. We need a good name for the countdown process/home stretch – do you have one?

Today's DQ courtesy of pinko

Click here to see the previous Daily Quiz with answers

Friday, January 18, 2008

Ronald Reagan's Corpse On Nationwide Tour For Republicans

Simi Valley, California - Republican Party officials today carried out an order from Supreme Court justice Antonin Scalia to have the body of Ronald Reagan exhumed in the hope that the former president can provide some help to the beleaguered Republicans in the next election.

To improve their chances, Republican candidates for president as well as for congressional house and senate seats will have their pictures taken with Reagan's corpse as it tours the country. Top donors who contribute more than five thousand dollars will also receive a photograph of themselves shaking hands with the long dead chief executive.

Concerns about the Gipper's appearance after years of decay prompted Republican officials to bring in top makeup experts from Hollywood to work on the presidential corpse to make it appear as lifelike as possible and to restore that famous Reagan charm. Commenting on this effort was the leader of the cosmetics team, Leopold of Beverly Hills, who said, "You know, I thought this was going to be a difficult task but it turns out he needed less makeup dead than when he was alive. Go figure."

At the end of the campaign, Reagan's body will be returned to its resting place in Simi Valley until it is needed in the next election.

The 2008 Ronald Reagan Corpse National Tour is being sponsored by Exxon Mobil. All proceeds will go to the Republican Party and the Exxon Mobil General Fund.

Wednesday, January 16, 2008

Today's Daily Quiz: January 16, 2008

We haven’t heard or seen anything about the Veep in quite a while, which gives Americans the same uneasy feeling parents of young children have when realizing “Uh, oh….things are too quiet.”

Where’s Cheney and what is he doing so quietly?

Today's DQ courtesy of pinko

Previous Daily Quiz:To commemorate the final year of the Bush Administration we need a new category of greeting cards, "Oops!", to send on those occasions when you really don't know what to say because you're speechless. Examples of some Oops! cards might be: "Congratulations! Heard You Finally Found the E-mails!", "Thinking of You and the Thought Police," "My Sympathy To You and Yours on the Death of Democracy," "Sorry to Hear You're Still Under the Weather in New Orleans," and "Happy Presidential Sentence Commutation Anniversary!" What are some other Oops! cards?
Answer: All were great. Check them out here.

Sunday, January 13, 2008

Jack Bauer Wins South Carolina Republican Primary

Columbia, South Carolina - In a stunning victory, fictional television character Jack Bauer has won the Republican Presidential Primary in South Carolina with an overwhelming write-in vote. Coming in a distant second was Mike Huckabee followed by John McCain and Mitt Romney. Rudy Giuliani came in last only a few votes behind Jefferson Davis.

The losing candidates, sensing that the Republican electorate wants their nominee to be even more tough, unaccountable and insane than the present occupant of the White House, quickly vowed to bomb Canada, Mexico, Brazil, France and Mauritania to demonstrate American resolve to use military force and they also unanimously agreed that torture should not only be allowed in public schools but that it should be mandatory.

Following his win in South Carolina, instant polls now show that Jack Bauer is the clear front runner to win the nomination as the Republican candidate for president.

Thursday, January 10, 2008

Today's Daily Quiz: January 10, 2008

To commemorate the final year of the Bush Administration we need a new category of greeting cards, "Oops!", to send on those occasions when you really don't know what to say because you're speechless.

Examples of some Oops! cards might be: "Congratulations! Heard You Finally Found the E-mails!", "Thinking of You and the Thought Police," "My Sympathy To You and Yours on the Death of Democracy," "Sorry to Hear You're Still Under the Weather in New Orleans," and "Happy Presidential Sentence Commutation Anniversary!"

What are some other Oops! cards?

Today's DQ courtesy of pinko

Wednesday, January 09, 2008

Bush Knows Meaning Of 'Accountability'; Nation Shocked

Washington, D.C. - There is a mood of puzzlement in the U.S. today after President George W. Bush revealed that he understands the concept of "accountability." At a recent speech given at Horace Greeley Elementary School in Chicago, Illinois discussing the No Child Left Behind Act, President Bush said, "Look, I recognize some people don't like accountability. In other words, accountability says if you're failing, we're going to expose that and expect you to change. Accountability also says that when you're succeeding you'll get plenty of praise."

Many people in the nation were stunned to find out that the President knows
what 'accountability' means.

Tucker Yap, communications specialist at Worldwide Talking Forum (WTF) explained, "This, after all, is the man who awarded the Congressional Medal of Freedom to people who conspicuously screwed up, who told the head of FEMA he was doing a 'heckuva job' while people were dying, and who couldn't admit to ever making a mistake. This is the same president who publicly vowed to fire anyone in his administration connected in any way to leaking the name of CIA agent Valarie Plame Wilson to the press but then refused to discuss the leak, never fired anyone connected with the leak and pardoned the one guy found to be guilty of trying to cover up the leak. This is the president who said that he doesn't pay attention to abysmally low poll numbers, but then refers to 'plenty of praise' as an indication that someone is doing a good job. This is the man who refuses to alter direction for any reason in Iraq, the man who blames the media when the news is bad, now standing up in front of a crowd of people and saying that failure should be exposed and followed by change."

Asked his own reaction to the knowledge that the president does understand, at least at some level, the concept of "accountability", Mr. Yap said, "My wife finally drove me to a hearing specialist because all day long I kept saying "What?? What!! What????!!!!!"

Written for Assimilated Press by roving reporter pinko

Monday, January 07, 2008

Shredded Documents From White House Fill Grand Canyon

Washington, D.C. - The National Park Service today announced that Grand Canyon National Park will no longer be open to the public and is, in fact, no longer a canyon. The reason for this was explained by the director of the National Park Service Reginald Killtree, a former lobbyist for Pacific Lumber.

Said Killtree, "Seven years ago, the National Park Service reached a secret agreement with the Bush administration which allowed White House officials to use the Grand Canyon as a dumping ground for their shredded documents. We had expected this to take up one small stretch of this national treasure but to our surprise the volume of shredded documents was so great that it has completely filled the canyon and now the Grand Canyon is no longer a canyon. In addition, the sheer mass of paper filling the canyon has absorbed all of the water from the Colorado River like a giant paper towel which has led to the closure of the Boulder Dam due to the inability of its turbine engines to produce energy. This, in turn, is leaving us no choice but to order the immediate evacuation of Las Vegas which will not be able to sustain itself without power. However, things are looking up. We have found another storage facility for the administration's shredded documents which we feel will meet its needs until the end of its term. This storage facility is called North Dakota."